You know, if these two would just go into business with each other, EVERYTHING WOULD BE FINE

PEOPLE WHO LIKED CAMPBELL’S SOAP ALSO LIKED:

This post first appeared on Regretsy on March 1, 2011

This past Saturday, the good folks at Etsy threw some organic fair trade corn on a keyboard, and let their pet chicken peck out their featured seller! Here’s what the old girl came up with.

Don’t think of this as three worthless pieces of crap.

I mean it is, but don’t think of it that way.

Think of it as an instant collection of vintage/natural found objects. Doesn’t that sound muted and creamy and architectural? Sure it does! I’m getting all yummy and repurposed just thinking about it!

I don’t know when a feather and a spoon became currency, but welcome to Happyland. It’s like when a kid tries to pay the ice cream man with leaves. It’s cute when you’re three, but when you’re an adult, it’s a cry for help.

But someone will buy this. Someone will look at this and think, “Shit, I really want that feather.” And you know why? Two words.

Barn wood.

It’s true. Barn wood is the hipster aphrodisiac. It’s sustainable porn. They can’t resist it. It stimulates the pleasure center like a linseed-oiled finger. All over Brooklyn, skinny men with wispy mustaches are jerking off to lumber catalogues.

You want to sell that chicken bone from lunch? Just shoot it on a piece of old barn wood, and some goofball will buy it. It doesn’t matter how worthless it is. If it’s on barn wood, someone will want it so they can put it next to their empty birdcage.

I TAKE WEPAY

As you know, I am gearing up to visit all my Finnish fans in a few weeks, and from what I understand, both of them will be in Helsinki when I get there.

To that end, I have begun searching Finnish fashion sites to see how the hipster Finns – or Finsters, as I like to call them under my breath – dress in public. I just want to make sure I fit in, because I’m told Finns have a practice of chasing down strangers and throwing suet on them.

Here are some pictures of Finsters on the streets of Helsinki from the appropriately named Hel-Looks. These are actual Finns, just walking around in everyday clothes, on their way to get drunk. It’s hard to say who their fashion icons are, but they appear to be heavily influenced by Poison and Cirque de Soleil.

Perkele!

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