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PETJA PALOOZA, BITCHES
It’s finally here!
Tonight, over 200 fat jealous losers will converge on a New York Chinese restaurant staffed by drag queens in a cross-cultural celebration of fuckery, Finland and fried rice. And of course, nothing good will come of it.
Bronc and I have been here all week preparing for the big event, and when I say preparing, I mean doing jack shit. The important thing is that we hired someone else to do everything, and that has allowed us to focus on the important business of drinking. So we’ve got that under control.
One of the many delights in store for attendees this evening is a gift bag of majestic proportions. The bag is filled with over 40 insane pieces of fuckery, from Regretsy lollipops to custom sex toys from our friends at Extreme Restraints. As Mark Twain once said, “It wouldn’t be Chinese food without vibrating cock rings!”*
* Might actually be Maya Angelou
And speaking of extreme, look who we had lunch with yesterday!
Yes, our own beloved Petja is here in NYC, fresh from the herring-laden shores of Suomi!
We’re happy to report that New York is just as fascinated by this Finn-stud as we are. In fact, we were only able to walk about half a block before stunned onlookers stopped to take pictures of the Grandmaster Flash of Helsinki, resplendent in red knee socks and walking stick.
And just to make it all that much more exciting, Petja and I spent the afternoon autographing 100 books and 200 postcards for all of you who donated to his travel fund!
Here we are, signing postcards. You can see a stack of them next to me on the table.
I thought it was important to show you photographic proof of this event, because housekeeping managed to throw away all 200 postcards this afternoon. Fortunately, they left the styrofoam cups full of two-day old coffee on the desk, so at least we have that going for us. Look for those on Ebay later this week.
In any case, here are some important pieces of information for those of you coming to Petja Palooza tonight:
• 5:00 PM: The bar opens and the X-rated balloon man arrives. We suggest you bring cash for your drinks so the restaurant doesn’t have to process 200 credit cards.
MAKE SURE YOU BRING YOUR TICKET!
• 6:00 PM: Dinner is served. Insane drag show commences.
• 9:00 PM: Get the fuck out.
I’m told that there is a special treat in the works for one of the FJLs involving a lap dance, but you didn’t hear it from me.
See you tonight!
INSTRUCTIONS
1. Position your dog between your knees and force the gown over her head.
2. The dog will immediately express her anal glands on the skirt and run under the couch.
3. Enjoy your $3,000 Swiffer.
