- Submitted by Emily

As you know, Etsy hand-picks a muted selection of desaturated creaminess to feature on their front page, using a very specific selection method. And by specific selection method, I mean throwing corn on a keyboard, and going with whatever the chicken pecks out.

Here’s today’s featured item, hand pecked by the Etsy Hipster Chicken.

PEOPLE WHO LIKED BED OF LIGHT ALSO LIKED:

CHAIR OF DARK

COUCH OF CONTRAST

LENS FLARE ON ATM

I think we all knew that Petja Palooza was going to be special.

But it wasn’t until I actualy saw Petja on the streets of Manhattan last week, that I knew we were talking about a whole other level of Dafuq?

There really are no words to describe what the hell happened last weekend, so instead, I’ll share some of the more tasteful images, and let you draw your own conclusions.

One thing we do need to talk about is the gift bag. This bag had more fuckery per square inch than any bag could reasonably be expected to contain. And we had one for everybody, meaning that every seller who participated donated well over 200 pieces of merchandise for your fat, jelaous pleasure.

Here is a list of people who donated to our swag bags, filling them with everything from handmade jewelry to vibrating naughty things:

The School Locker
Beanie Gee
Music for the Goddess
Naffrodisia
Wendy’s Origami
Epic Blossoms
Blue Cat Books
Ravenshold Creations
Simply Smiss
Xjaeva
Princess Buzzkill’s Crying Glitter Eagle’s Emporium of Whimsy
Bound in Chain
Rainy Day Paperback Exchange
Wylie Elise Beckert
Epic Toy Chest
This Charming Candy
Gabbus
Found Philosophy
Lux Soap
Creative Heart’s Design
Live Clay
Risa Rocks It
Gallardo Works
Misfit Dynamo
Jewel Renee
L and K Beads
Catbird Craft
Nebbish Without a Cause
Lil Gypsy Treasures
Donna The Dead
Extreme Restraints
Diana Voisin
Bloodstream City
Third Half Studios
Arsenal Soap Works

If you contributed to the bag and you are not credited, please let me know

That right there is a list of approved fuckery vendors, so please visit their shops when you’re looking for something wonderful that hasn’t been imported from Bali.

And by the way, we have about 15 extra gift bags, and we’ll be offering those for sale in the next day or so. Proceeds will benefit Bronc’s AIDS Ride, June 3rd – 9th.

Finally, I’d like to thank someone very special for putting this all together.

That’s the heartstoppingly awesome Patrick McNaughton, preparing to give me a lap dance at Lucky Cheng’s.

Patrick is an event designer and Regretsy fan in NYC, and we were able to hire him to coordinate everything for us before we got out there. This poor bastard did everything from choosing the menu to packing up the gift bags and transporting them all to the venue.

By himself.

With no help from us.

Because we suck.

And after all that, he still had time to dance seductively for me while I shook my balloon penis at him. Try getting that kind of action from human resources.

So if you’re looking for an event designer in New York, email this bastard immediately.

Honestly, if I were looking for a full time employee in NYC, I would hire this guy so fast it would give new meaning to New York minute. And you know I’m sincere, because I never say anything good about anyone.

A sincere heartfelt thanks to everyone who contributed to the bags, to Petja’s travel fund and the incredibly wonderful event that was Petja Palooza.

It still gets me, right here.

- Click here to buy Wylie Elise Beckert’s incredible Petja Palooza poster

People ask me if I buy anything on Etsy. And when they ask me that, I laugh and laugh, and then I start to cry, because I have blown a fortune over there. After all, I spend at least 5 days a week looking at crap on Etsy, which means I am basically shopping all week. It’s not good.

Sometimes I see tweets go by where stupid girls with duckface avatars say things like, “OMG, get me off Etsy I am addicted LOL” and I think, fuck you. I’ve bought more shit since breakfast than you have all year. Go ask your mama if you can use her Paypal account, you sorry little weekender.

The end result of all this shopping is, of course, a house full of fuckery. I have crap in every room, mocking me like the ghost of dollars past. “Hey shit for brains”, it whispers, “I’m the down payment on that house you wanted!” And then I have another drink, and the voices get quiet again.

So the next time you wonder why Etsy lets me do what I do, just remember that I’m practically keeping them in business. Well, me and the Chinese resellers.

5. FAKE CHOCOLATE CAKE POSTCARD

This thing is incredible. It looks exactly like a piece of chocolate cake. I have no idea what it’s made of, but it’s perfect. And the idea of getting a piece of cake in your mailbox on your birthday is completely brilliant.

I sent this to my sister for her birthday last May, and she loved it. She took pictures of it at the laundromat.

4. STAR WARS CAKE PLATE SET

People submit this seller to me almost every day as a WTF feature, clearly unaware of the fact that I’ve bought so many of her pieces, I had to have a plate rack built in my kitchen.

But there you go. One man’s Regretsy is another’s obsession, and Beat Up Creations is one of mine. I love contrast, so the way she juxtaposes pop culture icons with traditional antique china really pleases me.

As much as I adore the Star Wars set, I really love the custom Judge Judy plate I had made a few months ago. She sits comfortably between Mr. Spock and Mr. T, as she probably does every day in the commissary.

3. FLEECE DOG CAFTAN

Someone posted this on the Regretsy Facebook page, and I bought it the moment I saw it. In fact, I’m wearing it right now.

Not only is it warm and cozy and very well made, it is easily the most hideous fucking thing I have ever seen in my life. I mean witheringly ugly. It virtually screams, I GIVE UP. The multi-colored pattern is great for hiding food stains, and it looks great with gray roots and a bottle of Motrin.

And it’s not just lounge wear! You can wear it around town and look just as chic. It’s perfect for running out to the liquor store for a bottle of Baileys and some lottery tickets.

I frequently check the seller’s store, but have yet to see anything as horrendous as this. She does claim to do custom work, so I’m keeping my eyes open for some “horses running in the surf” throws at the gas station.

2. HAND SCULPTED MINIATURE DOGS

For Christmas, my friend Diana had my dogs made in miniature by Anna Vanover. They are so amazingly detailed and accurate, right down to their little spots.

When I opened the box and saw how special and perfect they were, I decided to commission one for my best friend, whose dog Woody passed away during the summer. I sent pictures to Anna, including one with Woody sitting by some potted flowers. Within a day, she had finished the sculpture and mailed it, and he received the gift on Christmas eve. She even included the flowers.

1. BLESS THIS HOUSE CROSS STITCH

This is easily my favorite purchase of the year. It hangs in my kitchen, where visitors make the same pop-eyed, slack-jawed face I made when I first saw it.

Like everything in Steotch’s store, it is exquisitely executed and profoundly strange. And for my money, that’s Etsy at it’s best: well crafted and wildly creative objects you just can’t find anywhere else.

Well, until Anthropologie sees this.

I wonder if they get House in India.