This post first appeared on Regretsy on February 16, 2011

Once again, you called it.

I can’t believe someone is actually making these things. It’s indefensible. There is no purpose for this except to be a pain in the ass. I mean come on, she’s wearing these with wrist warmers for God’s sake. Hand covers and finger covers are basically gloves. This is gloves. You are wearing gloves, only in pieces. Because you’re high.

Just tell me what the point is. That’s all I want. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Tell me why these areas need ventilating. Are you in danger of your hand exploding from the intense heat generated by your nail beds? Do people often remark that they would be more comfortable if their fingertips and metacarpal ligaments were exposed? Or do full gloves just make it too hard to play “This is the church and this is the steeple?”

I mean Jesus, how much area are we talking about? I’m entirely too stupid to do the math, but if I could, it would look something like this:

Hey, you know what would look great with three-quarters of a glove?

From time to time, Etsy chooses some dirty hippie or ukelele-playing hipster from their legion of unemployed, and elevates them to the lofty position of Etsy Featured Seller. Etsy then publishes a feature on the newly-minted Hot Glue Czar, and everyone in Cupcaketown turns out to slobber over their wet-felted overlord.

Typically, the featured seller has created something especially noteworthy, like recycled cereal box magnets, or a lamp made from plaster casts of their vagina.

But for my money, it’s the interview that offers up the real entertainment. The self-absorbed, introspective bullshit spewed by these people is comedy gold, as far as I’m concerned. So you can imagine my delight when I saw this:

You have to admit, it’s an incredible start.

Now let’s see what the readers have to say!

I AM SO FUCKING HIGH RIGHT NOW

COOL STORY BRO

INORITE

I BET THEY HARDLY SMELL AT ALL

AND THEN I WOULD GO DOWN ON YOU LIKE A CHEAP PAIR OF SPANX

???

Now, if you’re wondering why there aren’t any sane people commenting on this story, you may not be familiar with Etsy’s commenting policy:

AWWWW SNAP

This post first appeared on Regretsy on January 26, 2011

This morning, I breathlessly told you all about my custom clay portrait purchase from Sharie’s Craftworld on Etsy.

This is the photo I sent:

And this is the finished product I received.

I don’t mind teling you that this is among the very greatest things I have ever purchased. I would save this in a fire.

I sincerely hoped that people would avail themselves of Sharie’s clay portraiture services, but I wasn’t sure anyone would. I mean, I’d certainly pay upwards of $100 for a 3-D portrait of myself as Verne Troyer, but not everyone has as refined a palate as I do.

It turns out that many of you have now invested in these heirloom quality portraits, and have been kind enough to send me your results. Here are a few of my favorites.

First, there’s Paul.

This is the picture Paul sent:

And this is the finished product:

I like the bright red lips and the fact that he appears to be kissing a golf club. I also take great pleasure in the nose, which looks to have been imported from a portrait of Jamie Farr.

Then there’s Talia.

She wanted a portrait of her fiance’ for his birthday gift. This is the photo she sent:

And this is the final product:

Talia likes everything about his portrait, including the fact that their cat is now Chinese.

Then there’s Kim, who sent in this picture:

And in return, got a portrait of Kim Jong Il:

Next, we have Connie, who sent this picture:

And received this stunning portrait of Jennifer Tilly and Bruce Willis:

Then there was Ash, who sent this photo:

And got this in return:

Finally, there’s Rachel, whose husband sent in this photo:

And lovingly presented her with this on Christmas day:

Click here to order your own custom clay pile