More Cagecrafting here

Now, I want to say something to all of you fat bastards on the East Coast, who looked at the photos of our Los Angeles Meet-Up a few weeks ago (password: CF4L) and felt like the whole thing was just unfair.

It was. It was terribly unfair.

We have nice weather, great Mexican food, and all our women have gigantic implants and no pubic hair. And what do you have? Trash strikes, rats the size of housecats and Jets fans. You don’t even have hookers in Times Square anymore.

Well friends, we ’bout to flip the script (I got that from Queen Latifah. Don’t judge me). The first annual NEW YORK CITY REGRETSY MEET-UP is on its way, and it will make the West Coast sushi shitfest look like a Lutheran potluck. I’m not even sure what that means, and I’m still excited!

What does this meet-up have that Los Angeles didn’t have?

• DRAG QUEENS
• CHINESE FOOD
• A GUY WHO MAKES X-RATED BALLOON ANIMALS
• LAP DANCES
• FRIED FOOD
• TWICE AS MANY FAT JEALOUS LOSERS

And there was something else… what was it?

Oh yes

PETJA!

Petja first came to our attention on a Finnish fashion site that captures stylish people on the streets of Helsinki, on their way to do typically Finnish things (get drunk). We featured Petja’s picture here, and he instantly became an object of adoration in the Regretsy community.

Because Finland is only inhabited by about 12 people, Petja soon became aware of the feature, and began to post here and in our forums. Things got even better when he agreed to meet us in Helsinki, and we wound up golfing with beer cans and getting drunk in an igloo.

It’s a long story. But if you want to read about it, start here and click through the next few posts (password: CF4L).

The important thing is that Petja is coming all the way from Helsinki in his vest and monocle and weird-ass beard, just to show all of us the true meaning of drinking like a Finnish bastard.

It’s a once in a lifetime chance to drink and dine with the legend, while a drag queen gives someone a lap dance.

Not me of course, but someone.

WHAT HAPPENS AT A CHINESE RESTAURANT DRAG SHOW STAYS AT A CHINESE RESTAURANT DRAG SHOW

UPDATE: 2/2/12

WE ARE SOLD OUT!

If you aren’t attending but still want to help get Petja to NYC, consider donating a little something to his travel fund. Every dollar you give us is being matched by WePay, so we can get him and his wife to NYC in half the time!

I’m throwing in all kinds of incentives, like autographed books, and a limited edition, 2 gig, Petja Head USB drive designed by Risa Rocksit:

PERKELE!

Last December, I asked you to predict the hottest Etsy trends of 2011.

You came up with some astonishingly good ideas, like flannel hot pants with detachable dinosaur heads, mammy-patterned menstrual pads and of course, gloves that are just fingers.

But if you look carefully at the list of write-in suggestions, you’ll notice something else.

Oh, it was funny all right. But it was just a silly joke! No one would ever actually make such a thing.

Or would they?

Butt plug – human hair

This is a unique piece made as part of a “wedding gift”. A girlfriend gave us her hair shortly after her wedding. She wanted it turned into a flogger. He was enchanted with her offering and decided to take it a step further. We turned her gorgeous locks into a butt plug for his “filly”; to complete the look.

Isn’t that beautiful? It’s like that old Christmas story; she sold her hair to buy him a buttplug, and he sold his ass to buy her a comb.

The hand-turned butt plug is of canary wood. The hair was inserted and sealed into the plug. If you would like to offer you own hair for this or similar products, just give us a call.

Yes, it looks like you people have done it again. True, it’s not on Etsy. But there’s always Monday.

It just goes to show you that whatever ridiculous shit you can think of, someone else is already working on it. And when they’re done, they’re going to stick it up their ass.

Once again, you called it.

I can’t believe someone is actually making these things. It’s indefensible. There is no purpose for this except to be a pain in the ass. I mean come on, she’s wearing these with wrist warmers for God’s sake. Hand covers and finger covers are basically gloves. This is gloves. You are wearing gloves, only in pieces. Because you’re high.

Just tell me what the point is. That’s all I want. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Tell me why these areas need ventilating. Are you in danger of your hand exploding from the intense heat generated by your nail beds? Do people often remark that they would be more comfortable if their fingertips and metacarpal ligaments were exposed? Or do full gloves just make it too hard to play “This is the church and this is the steeple?”

I mean Jesus, how much area are we talking about? I’m entirely too stupid to do the math, but if I could, it would look something like this:

Hey, you know what would look great with three-quarters of a glove?

Typically, the featured seller has created something especially noteworthy, like recycled cereal box magnets, or a lamp made from plaster casts of their vagina.

But for my money, it’s the interview that offers up the real entertainment. The self-absorbed, introspective bullshit spewed by these people is comedy gold, as far as I’m concerned. So you can imagine my delight when I saw this:

You have to admit, it’s an incredible start.

Now let’s see what the readers have to say!

I AM SO FUCKING HIGH RIGHT NOW

COOL STORY BRO

INORITE

I BET THEY HARDLY SMELL AT ALL

AND THEN I WOULD GO DOWN ON YOU LIKE A CHEAP PAIR OF SPANX

???

Now, if you’re wondering why there aren’t any sane people commenting on this story, you may not be familiar with Etsy’s commenting policy:

AWWWW SNAP

This is the photo I sent:

And this is the finished product I received.

I don’t mind teling you that this is among the very greatest things I have ever purchased. I would save this in a fire.

I sincerely hoped that people would avail themselves of Sharie’s clay portraiture services, but I wasn’t sure anyone would. I mean, I’d certainly pay upwards of $100 for a 3-D portrait of myself as Verne Troyer, but not everyone has as refined a palate as I do.

It turns out that many of you have now invested in these heirloom quality portraits, and have been kind enough to send me your results. Here are a few of my favorites.

First, there’s Paul.

This is the picture Paul sent:

And this is the finished product:

I like the bright red lips and the fact that he appears to be kissing a golf club. I also take great pleasure in the nose, which looks to have been imported from a portrait of Jamie Farr.

Then there’s Talia.

She wanted a portrait of her fiance’ for his birthday gift. This is the photo she sent:

And this is the final product:

Talia likes everything about his portrait, including the fact that their cat is now Chinese.

Then there’s Kim, who sent in this picture:

And in return, got a portrait of Kim Jong Il:

Next, we have Connie, who sent this picture:

And received this stunning portrait of Jennifer Tilly and Bruce Willis:

Then there was Ash, who sent this photo:

And got this in return:

Finally, there’s Rachel, whose husband sent in this photo:

And lovingly presented her with this on Christmas day:

Click here to order your own custom clay pile

On Monday, I told you about a Regretsy meet-up happening in Los Angeles on January 21.

The organizers have chosen a ridiculous sushi bar that’s fairly famous around here for dancing waiters, lip synching sushi chefs and a general atmosphere of alcohol-fueled insanity. It’s like Vegas meets Mardi Gras by way of every pill in your mom’s medicine cabinet.

The venue allows us to have up to 100 people. We really didn’t think we were going to get anywhere near that many fat bastards to come down and drink Sake Bombs in the bowels of the San Fernando Valley, so we just started making a list of people who said they’d be showing up.

We now have over 200 people on that list.

So here’s what you need to do.

In order to guarantee yourself a place at the party, you must pay in advance. So far only about 80 people have prepaid, so there are still seats available, but I really think this is going to sell out pretty fast. There will be a list at the door, and if you aren’t on it, you won’t be able to get in.

The dinner is $20, including tax and tip (a serious deal), and you also get a gift bag full of cool things from artists in the Regresty community. Drinks are not included, but I will be buying as many rounds as I can until Visa cuts me off.

To pre-pay, use this link.

See you there!

By now you may know that some Regretsy fans have been putting together a meet-up in Los Angeles. It started out pretty small, but then I pimped it out on Facebook yesterday, and now it’s… a thing.

Due to the number of people responding, the organizers have booked a private party at one of the most bizarre places I’ve ever been to in Los Angeles.

I honestly have no words to describe it. It’s a loud, tacky sushi dive, where the chefs routinely break into insanely choreographed dance numbers while lip synching to the Backstreet Boys. None of it makes any sense, of course, but by the time you’ve figured that out, you’re standing on your chair and doing your third Sake Bomb.

Normally, dinner is $25, but the organizers have talked them down to $15 per person, which is amazing (closer to $20 including tax and tip). Drinks are not included, but I will be buying as many rounds as I can before the nice people at Visa ask the management to cut up my card.

if you’d like to join us, email me and I will ask the organizers to send you an Evite.

REGRETSY MEET-UP: Los Angeles
Saturday, January 21, 2012
$15 for dinner, free drinks until my credit runs out

Besides the financial aspet, there is also the very real issue of managing your hoard. If not displayed artfully and culled regularly, you will soon find yourself sleeping on a pile of laundry in the garage.

My piles of craft are manageable for three reasons:

1. I tend to give a lot of things away. A robbery at the age of 20 left me with absolutely nothing but a card table and a black and white TV, and having survived that, I developed a completely different relationship with objects. I have my attachments to certain treasures, but ultimately I understand that life would go on without them.

2. I’m borderline OCD, which means I am forever putting things away and trying to create surfaces. The bonus there is you never really grasp how much shit I have in this house. The downside is that no one will ever intervene, so I have to rent my own dumpsters.

3. I am discriminating about what I buy, though it may not appear that way. Everything that calls to me has something special going for it; a weird intangible that makes it the cream of the crap. You may see Phil Spector on velvet, but I see a painting that will reduce my guests to stunned silence, allowing me to talk more.

So without further ado, here are my 5 favorite purchases of 2011.

5. SCOTTY QUILT

Jesus Christ. I love this so much I’m actually jealous, and I own it.

This is less of a quilt than a quilted panel, and someday I hope to incorporate it into a much larger piece. The hard part is going to be finding pieces worthy of being joined to this for all eternity. Like say, this one, which I completely missed, and still drink to forget.

- Scotty Quilt by The Alligator Bride on Etsy, who doesn’t make enough stuff as far as I’m concerned

4. SPOCK COOKIE JAR

This was one of those things that simultaneously stimulated my pleasure center and kitsch zone, like a pop culture shocker. Yes, I was three fingers deep when I saw this baby, which now sits comfortably in my kitchen, surrounded by other sacred objects.

This cookie jar is also noteworthy as it represents the first and only time I broke my cardinal rule about not buying anything edible on Etsy. I’ve shown you enough hairy candy and dirty countertops to make my point about buying food from a stranger’s kitchen.

But a reader linked this in the comments, and I decided to give it a try:

This was one of the best buying experiences I ever had on Etsy, and believe me, I’m as surprised as you are. The cookies were delicious, the packaging was beautiful and sturdy (not one broken cookie), and the seller was perfectly professional and accommodating.

These cookies arrived while Bronc was at Burning Man, and it was extremely difficult not to eat them all while he was gone. Fortunately, the seller included a bunch of samples and a few extra cookies, so no one had any idea how many I actually put away that week.

SCORE

- Spock cookie jar by Neatorama
- Star Trek cookies by All Things Exquisite on Etsy

3. A TIE!

A) O’CLAMA

I bought this thing before I even put this post up in March. I normally don’t like to do that, because I believe in giving others a chance to own these masterpieces. But the idea of anyone other than me owning this and proudly displaying it in their office made me extremely cranky.

Besides, this one is still available. But I would act fast, if I were you. The 4th photo down is getting to me.

B) CUSTOM PERLER PORTRAIT

I originally purchased a custom Perler portrait as a prize for this contest, but I was so delighted by the work that I bought one for myself.

- Osama clam by Pineconeman on Etsy
- Perler portrait by PXL8R on Etsy

2. HELLBOY ON VELVET

I’m not a big collector of velvet paintings, but I have a few. They just have to be very special, which means I get sweaty when I see it and make a gurgling sound.

When I saw Velvet Geek’s work, I was both thrilled and dismayed. Thrilled, because Hellboy was still available, and inconsolable that I had missed so many great pieces (this, for example, hangs in some other asshole’s house). But I’ll always have Hellboy, and the memory of Ron Perlman blowing me off at Nordstrom’s when I tried to get his autograph.

- Hellboy on velvet by The Velvet Geek

1. CLASSIC WRECKS

On a bookcase in my office, I have a collection of junker cars by Classic Wrecks on Etsy. These are hand built model cars, made to look like rusted old junkers.

The detail is incredible. The doors are off, there’s “rust” on the fenders and if you look carefully, you can see that the car in the middle has a tiny “hanger” as an antennae.

When I first saw this shop, I only intended to buy one of these models, and wound up with 6 or 7. The seller, who was extremely pleasant to deal with, asked me if I was “building a junkyard.”

If he only knew.

- Junker cars by Classic Wrecks on Etsy

Hail Barbie,
Full of Win,
The Lord is awesome!
Blessed art thou among 11″ fashion dolls,
and blessed is thy Porsche
which is sold separately.
Malibu Barbie,
Sister of Skipper,
play with us now,
and at the hour of 3:00,
when we get home from school.

ZOMG.

Level 4 Cat style.

A lot of you have been sending me this link, because I actually played Miss Finster on Recess (in my other life, I’m a voice actress, and have been doing cartoons for a thousand years).

When I saw the video this morning, I remembered a gag reel I got when Recess wrapped production. A gag reel, for those of you who don’t know, is a collection of mistakes and outtakes collected over the years, all edited together in a 5 or 10 minute track.

These gag reels are usually very vulgar, because nothing amuses cartoon actors more than making their characters say dirty things. Unfortunately, since this reel was going to be given to the kids in the cast, they had to really tone it down. They still left a few choice bits in from Pamela Segal Adlon (she played Spinelli, but you might know her better as Bobby Hill). Pam has the dirtiest mouth of anyone I know, and coming from my family, that’s really saying something.

I went out into the garage and dug around, and after about a hour, I unearthed the Recess gag reel. I also found a few other stunners from my CD collection (three words: Hulk Hogan sings), so my Christmas playlist will be very special this year.

You’ll hear a lot of interesting stuff, like Robert Goulet (who was Mikey’s singing voice), Dabney Coleman, Martin Mull, Tress MacNeille, Jeff Bennett, Allyce Beasley, The Ashleys as well as all the kids in the cast. You’ll also hear the director, Paul, and the assistant director, Allison.

Best of all, you’ll hear a few lines from Burt Reynolds, who was the original villain in the Recess movie. He was so insane that they had to replace him with James Woods. And when you’re so crazy that people would rather work with James Woods, you are a very, very special crazy indeed.