By now you probably know that today is the last day of school around here. At midnight, the site becomes an archive, allowing me to get down to the important business of drinking myself to death.

Naturally, this has put me in a reflective mood. And as I look back on the last three and a half years, I notice a pattern emerging; a pattern of rage, butthurt and cranky pants.

There are three subjects on Regretsy that have caused the most furor and gnashing of teeth. This was not something I knew before the posts went up, but I would be lying if I didn’t tell you that I enjoyed the reflexive, knee-jerk shitpouts and histrionics more than a little bit.

So here they are, and I can only hope another fight breaks out to top them all. In fact, I have reactivated our Facebook page for one day, just to allow the maximum amount of ugliness to blossom. If you’re blocked over there for being an asshole, you’re unblocked now. Assholes are exactly what we’re looking for today, so get it all out while ye may.

Ready?

THE 3 MOST INCENDIARY TOPICS ON REGRETSY

1. BREASTFEEDING

I never really thought much about breastfeeding, because I’m not a mother. And while I think it’s great if you can breastfeed, it doesn’t make you a hero. It also doesn’t make you a cretin if you can’t breastfeed and have to find another way to nourish your child.

This one got nearly 1,000 comments the first time, and another 600 when I reposted it. My position then, as it is now, is that no one but lactivists and Jenny McCarthy cares how you feed your kid, and wouldn’t it be a nicer world if everyone was more like me and stayed out of your fucking face? I think so, too.

BONUS: BRING ON THE BATSHIT

2. CIRCUMCISION

This one caught me totally by surprise. I honestly had no idea that this was such a big issue for people, because as I said, I am not a mother. The few complaints I had heard in the past about circumcision were from men lamenting a loss of sensation, but I had never heard people refer to it as “mutilation.”

My position then, as it is now, is that your baby’s penis is none of my business. I also pointed out that circumcision is a part of being raised as a Jew, and that we don’t live in a country where your religious practices are subject to the approval of Etsy sellers. The latter landed me in a great deal of hot water, and I received thousands of emails from people telling me, yes, we do have a right to stop you from practicing your religion if we so choose, because Jews are evil.

I shit you not.

This post got 647 comments, and over 1,200 on Facebook. It also got me a stalker, who attempted to advance the idea that I was “a proponent of genital mutilation.” Only on the internet can “it’s not my business” mean “I am in favor of maiming children.”

3. FEMALE BODY HAIR.

I have put up a few posts commenting on a model’s obvious body hair, because why not? As soon as you lift you arm and make your hairy pits part of your sales pitch, I get to have a reaction. Don’t like it? Save your bush for the co-op.

This is perhaps my favorite bullshit topic, because the people who are the most vocal are the biggest hypocrites and assholes.

EVERYONE HAS A RIGHT TO CHOICE! Well, everyone except you. You don’t get a say in whether you like body hair or not, because…

NAZI!

Where was I?

Oh yes, body hair on women is a matter of taste, and taste is entirely subjective. Unless you prefer a woman who shaves or waxes, in which case you’re a pedophile.

I never tire of women who leap to the defense of a woman’s right to choose her own appearance, only to follow up with a nasty crack about implants and too much make-up.

And so I leave you today with one last joke; a joke I have never had the balls to post, but one that has made me laugh like an asshole every time I found it in my drafts.

Something tells me this one might have topped them all in terms of outcry and meltdown, but I guess we’ll never know. All I know is that there’s a bottle of Nyquil with my name on it, and you were the greatest lay I ever had.

- HK

IF MY HAIR LOOKED LIKE THAT I’D HIDE TOO

Sometimes we come across a seller that is so special, we simply have to check out every listing in their shop. It’s not that we want to, it’s more that we can’t look away.

Today we’re showcasing one such seller, whose store is so jam-packed with… something or other, we just can’t choose our favorite piece. And so we’re going to share our top 5, and hope that you will also appreciate whatever the hell is going on here.

Hats off to NUSADUA2003, whose vision is equaled only by her compulsion to sew shit together for no apparent reason.

- See all 175 creations here

(Ed. note – Everyone here has the flu, so you’ll be getting flashbacks for the next couple days)

From time to time, Etsy chooses some dirty hippie or ukelele-playing hipster from their legion of unemployed, and elevates them to the lofty position of Etsy Featured Seller. Etsy then publishes a feature on the newly-minted Hot Glue Czar, and everyone in Cupcaketown turns out to slobber over their wet-felted overlord.

Typically, the featured seller has created something especially noteworthy, like recycled cereal box magnets, or a lamp made from plaster casts of their vagina.

But for my money, it’s the interview that offers up the real entertainment. The self-absorbed, introspective bullshit spewed by these people is comedy gold, as far as I’m concerned. So you can imagine my delight when I saw this:

You have to admit, it’s an incredible start.

Now let’s see what the readers have to say!

I AM SO FUCKING HIGH RIGHT NOW

COOL STORY BRO

INORITE

I BET THEY HARDLY SMELL AT ALL

AND THEN I WOULD GO DOWN ON YOU LIKE A CHEAP PAIR OF SPANX

???

Now, if you’re wondering why there aren’t any sane people commenting on this story, you may not be familiar with Etsy’s commenting policy:

AWWWW SNAP

Merry Christmas and happy holidays, from all of us at Regretsy.