Maybe you should register at Home Depot so someone can buy you a fucking level.

This post appeared on Regretsy on December 31, 2009

What bride doesn’t dream of being photographed in a bib at her reception? It’s like a fairy tale; The Princess and the Baby Back Ribs. Then at the end of the night, you can gather your bridesmaids around and throw a bucket of cole slaw.

This post first appeared on Regretsy in September of 2011

You know where this would work? A pretend wedding in a mental hospital. You can carry a bouquet of buttons, and the groom can wear a top hat made out of an oatmeal box. Then you can exchange onion rings and spend the night in your couch fort.

Here’s an idea; just throw $100 in singles at your bridesmaids. You save $25 and there’s less chance of blinding someone.