“A staggering 55% of women, irrespective of age, size or weight, experience camel toe at some point.”

“After all, being a woman is hard enough and having a Smooth Groove in your underwear drawer will make it just that little bit easier!”

Well thank God, is all I can say. Thank God someone is looking out for women in a positive, empowering, Occupy My Walls kind of way. Because being a woman is some seriously tough shit.

There’s the threat of sexual violence, the fashion industry imposing an impossible standard of beauty, fighting for equal compensation and opportunity in the workplace and trying to keep your giant, sloppy vagina from unravelling in your pants like a loose bragioli.

Fortunately for us gals, there’s the Miracle Polymer Clam Smoothie™. Now you can shove a $30 piece of plastic in your thong, stand up in front of your male counterparts and make that important presentation, without worrying that everyone is gawking at that engorged, rubbery poon of yours.

YOUR COOTER IS TOO BIG TO FAIL

Get your own Miracle Mound Snapper Spackle™ here

It’s no secret at this point that I enjoy looking at men in their underpants.

Well, let me rephrase that. I love looking at men in strange underpants. The weirder and more inexplicable the design, the more I like it. It’s not a sexual thing, it’s more that I can’t believe someone thinks that looks sexy.

One of my favorites in this category was the Heartbreak Clown Thong:

Is that fantastic or what? I’m not even going to talk about cream pies and squirting flowers. You can fill all that in for yourself. No, I liked this because I enjoyed pretending it was Dane Cook, and it was the only job he could get after Good Luck Chuck.

But more importantly, who the hell would buy something like this?

Oh wait, never mind.

And then there was this little number, which goes by the name of “Balls Out.” It’s designed to allow your nutsack flop out so you look like an old guy on the bus, going to his proctologist appointment.

IS IT HOT IN HERE OR IS IT YOU

But today I have one for you that is so special I can barely put my enthusiasm into words. May I present… THE CHANGED MAN BIKINI:

How about that action? I expect these to sell out pretty fast. After all, who doesn’t want their balls look like a baboon’s ass?

The manufacturer refers to this as their “best selling vagina-style suit,” and says it allows you to get in touch with your feminine side by “creating a virtual pussy out of your cock.” Trés Matrix!

First of all, what is “vagina-style?” Is that the opposite of “Big Willie Style?” And where would you wear this, exactly? The gym? Maybe your neighbor’s Labor Day party? How about just lounging around the pool at the Sheraton? That wouldn’t be weird, would it?

I’m not getting it. Maybe a closer look will give you an idea.

Me neither.

I guess I’m not the target market, but I don’t see anything remotely hot about crushing your junk with an elastic strap so it looks like you have an enormous, inflamed camel toe.

Maybe it’s a Halloween thing. I hear Kim Kardashian is a pretty hot costume this year.

- Buy your own Changed Man suit here. I dare you.

Let me get this straight. You want beverages and a ride in your own car? And I’ll get babysitting money? I’ll be right there, Mrs. Brady!

Jesus Christ. Even on drugs, lesbians are boring.