When you’re at the craft store, squeezing yarn balls and wondering which one will make more “fleshy” knitted placentas, it’s time to start asking yourself the hard questions.

How does this happen? How do you sew this and dye it, and photograph it and list it, and never at any point in the process say, “Wow this really looks like someone shit themselves”? How do you miss that? I mean this isn’t like one of those magic eye things that you have to look at for 10 minutes before you see the dolphin. If you can’t see a giant diarrhea smear on your thong, you might want to start hitting the lutein.

Oh, honey. If you had a beer can, you wouldn’t need this pillow.

“I was just admiring your necklace.”

“Oh, thank you! Did you do VBAC?”

“No, I’ve never been to Canada.”

“Oh, it’s not a mountain. It means ‘Vaginal Birth After Cesarean’. I delivered two babies from my vagina after my C-section!”

“Okay…”

“Some people don’t want vaginal births after Cesareans because during labor, the uterus can split open along the old C-section scar. But I didn’t have a uterine rupture or an infection or a bowel injury! I rock!”

“Will you excuse me? I need some more meatballs.”

I can’t believe no one has stolen the woolen vagina bike seat you’ve been sitting on for a year. You must live in a great neighborhood.

Just lazer your labe, babe
Vajazzle your pud, bud
Tidy your box, Fox
And I’ll make you a bowl
Just powder your flaps, chaps
And neaten the crack, Jack
Perfume your bits, Fritz
And show me your hole

- Paul Hymen

This is so bad I can’t even tag it NSFW. If your boss saw this over your shoulder, he’d just think you were looking at Hitler smoking a Marlboro.

Oh it’s impressive and all, but it really would have been something if she’d painted a picture of a vagina with her vagina. Then she could have framed the whole thing in tampons and called it “Herotica”, and Sarah Lawrence would have bought it for the Fallopian Studies building.

I realize there are lots of people in Fairyland that think this is adorable, but in the real world, you just don’t run errands with a life-sized vagoo around your neck. This isn’t Womyn’s Studies, it’s the dry cleaner, and the girl behind the counter doesn’t make enough to have to look at your needle felted cooter.

You know what else is a perfectly natural bodily function? Explosive diarrhea after eating bad clams. But I don’t see anyone memorializing that on upcycled fake wood paneling.

Although, I could be using the wrong keywords.