10. SHOUT IT OUT

Laundry day has never been more glamorous
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9. WAVES OF NAUSEA

This necklace was so bad, the seller had to add an annex to hold all the ugly
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8. GIVE PEAS A CHANCE

This reminds me of the time I got food poisoning on Thanksgiving
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7. COSTUME DROOLERY

Everything in your grandma’s jewelry box at once, coated with saliva
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6. MAHALO

Someone upcycled the Hawaiian visor they got on their Carnival cruise
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5. WUTHERING SHITE

“My lilian asterfield label embodies the independent spirit of an english country manor, wild adventures in the forest, horse back rides, scraped knees hidden by billowing skirts atop laced boots, and a tumbleweed of raven hair.”
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4. DR. HORRIBLE’S STRING ALONG BLOB

Raggedy Ann’s placenta
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3. FLAVOR FLAV GOES TO CLOWN COLLEGE

Also available in black for all your formal circus needs
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2. DANCES WITH PLASTIC

NATIVE AMERICAN CULTURE: YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG
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AND THE NUMBER ONE HORRIBLE NECKLACE IS . . .

1. WEAVE IT TO BEAVER

Jennifer Lopez washes hers in Evian

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Screen caps:

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10

10. WI-FIDO

This looks like something you found under your desk when Make it Work came over to hook up your router.

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9. SHOUT IT OUT

It’s more of a shart than a scarf.
 
 

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8. STAY OUT OF MY BEADS

That damn cat is going to kill herself one of these days.
 
 

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7. $85 CHOCOLATE NECKLACE

I guess the groom is supposed to eat them right off your neck. Hopefully it’s not an outdoor wedding.
 

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6. CALL THE DOCTOR

I think she should rename these Hepatitis Drops.
 
 

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5. LORENZO’S COIL

Coincidentally, “Smooth Cherry Cordial” is also a new Metamucil flavor.
 
 

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4. HAPPY EASTER

Here comes Peter’s Diaper Pail!
 
 

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3. DANGLEBERRIES

“Travelers would stack cairns, or piles of stones on trails to let others know the way, so put on these earrings and lead the way! “
 

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2. OW OW OW

Well, maybe if you ate something other than Taco Bell every once in a while, you wouldn’t have these problems.
 

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AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT LOOKS LIKE A TURD IS . . .

1. I’M NOT PICKING THAT UP

Why do they always do it when you don’t have a plastic bag?

10. WHIMSY!

When you care enough to give someone an old jar full of shit you found. Don’t shake it too hard!

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9. LE CRAPTIQUE

Sorry your gift smells like a goat’s ass. ______________________________________________

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8. CRAPPY PATTIES

Yes, everyone loves Spongebob! Maybe you should try making one next time.______________________________________________

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7. FALLING FOR YOU

Forced, witless irony never gets old. ____________________________________________________________

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6. EXTREME SEXY AND GORGEOUS

For that stunny erotical feeling. __________________________________________

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5. BEAVER 2000

Because there’s nothing more refreshing than washing yourself with the genitals of a dead teenager.

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4. ULTRA-WRONG

I <3 ZYGOTES _____________________________________________________

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3. HEART HANGER

“I remember long ago when we did not have a home with room for a real dungeon how frustrating it was to find a really nice, strong ‘hard’ anchor point for attaching playmates securely.”

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2. ME ME ME

Totally worth the money if you’re into complete strangers with jacked-up teeth. _____________________________________________________________

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AND THE NUMBER ONE REGRETTABLE VALENTINE IS . . .

1. WHO LOVES EWE BABY

Nothing gets a woman hotter than a lamb’s heart nailed to a board.

10. SANTA ON A STICK

It takes a special kind of person to look at a shard of rotted wood and see Santa Claus. And that person is drunk.

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9. FELT UP

What this lacks in technical proficiency, it more than makes up for in lack of imagination.

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8. SMITTEN

Finally, a use for all those gloves you find on the street , besides making Cthulhu dolls.

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7. PHILADELPHIA FREEDOM

The perfect accessory for those times when you want to look like you dropped a cream cheese appetizer on your jacket.

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6. CLAMMY CLAUS

Craft Tip: Try al dente linguine noodles for a fresh twist on Tinsel!

NOT RECOMMENDED FOR HOMES WITH CATS

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5.THINSPO SANTA

Let Manorexic Santa keep you away from the holiday treats this year! You don’t deserve to eat anyway, you’re disgusting.

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4. EXHUMATION CLAUS

Relive family tragedies with a Santa that looks like it was buried with that cousin no one talks about.

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3. THE SOD COUPLE

The good news: you get two of them. The bad news: now you have to decide which one to break first.

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2. SANTASAURUS

Convo me for the eight tiny pterodactyls

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AND THE NUMBER ONE REGRETTABLE SANTA IS . . .

1. KRIS KRAPPLE

Because anything looks like Santa if you put a hat on it