This audio track is an overly dramatic reading of THE CURSE OF THE VOWEL OWL; a story from Regretsy’s Big Book of Fabricated Folktales from Finland. It was originally available only as a reward on Kickstarter, but we’re making it available now on Regretsy.

I recorded this track with the amazing Rob Paulsen. We met many years ago on GOOF TROOP (he played my son, P.J.), and I have been crushing pretty hard ever since. He is one of the most versatile and well loved actors working in animation, and I am so lucky he allows me to waste his time on crap like this. He is not only talented, but incredibly kind and charitable, and does a lot of good for many organizations.

Proceeds from this track will be split between Regretsy’s Charity Fund and one of Rob’s favorite charities; The Wounded Warrior Project. This program offers emotional and physical rehabilitation to injured veterans, and helps equip them for new, successful careers.

Here’s a sneak peek:

When you purchase the track, a download code will be generated and emailed to you. If you have any difficulty downloading or playing the track, send an email to downloads@regretsy.com for support.

Oh yeah! Ain’t nothing like a little black — oh, you said croc.

By now we all know that the best way to unload your worthless crap online is to show your tits. God knows it’s a time-honored tradition on Ebay, where people routinely find ways to shoehorn their sloppy jugs into their listings.

But we’ve somehow been led to believe that Etsy is classier than Ebay. It’s a bigger idea, a loftier ambition, “a beautiful experiment in restoring community and culture to our commerce.” And by “culture,” they mean tits. Lots of tits. And tattoos. And tattooed tits. And snarling, pierced faces that dare you to look at their tattooed tits. Yes, Etsy is like Suicide Girls, only hairier.

It’s disconcerting when you discover that the noble crafters of Etsy are serving up beaver shots to unload their smelly thrift store finds, and shoving their asses in your face to sell nail polish. But then, Etsy is a global marketplace, and everyone speaks Taco.

So what are you waiting for? There are so many gratuitous spread-eagled panty pics and hipster tits that you could spank yourself for months before your wife figures out you’re not really into pottery.

Pull up a kleenex and start putting the crotch in crochet. After all, everything is better when you do it by hand!

REGRETSY’S BIG BOOK OF FABRICATED FOLKTALES FROM FINLAND

Well, you fartknockers continue to back Regretsy’s Big Book of Fabricated Folktales from Finland on Kickstarter, and for that I can only thank the relaxed marijuana laws.

If you’ve missed my previous posts about this, I should tell you that I’m trying to raise enough money to print a book of completely made-up Finnish folklore. Sales of the book will underwrite my goodwill tour of Finland this winter, where I’ll immediately set about apologizing for having written a book of completely made-up Finnish folklore.

With a little more than 2 weeks to go, we are now 42% funded! It’s very exciting of course, but we can’t stop now. No, we can’t. And here’s why:

Kickstarter is an all or nothing proprosition. If we don’t reach the entire funding goal, we get nothing. “Dick all,” as they say in church. Your credit card will not be charged, I will not write the book, we will not go to Finland, vodka and reindeer meat will be left to spoil, children will weep and Christmas will be canceled.

DO YOU WANT THAT ON YOUR HANDS

Last week I added two new premiums to the fundraiser:

$25 REWARD

Along with a pdf of the book, you’ll get an audio track of one of the stories! Rob Paulsen, who you know best as Pinky (Pinky and the Brain) and Yakko (Animaniacs) will be supplying the voices along with me, and it should be the most magical piece of audio since Garrison Keillor forgot to take his wireless microphone off in the mens room.

$40 REWARD

A signed, printed version of Regretsy’s Big Book of Fabricated Folktales from Finland, a handwritten thank you note from my private stash of Regretsy notecards and a set of ten handmade collector pins by Autumn’s Antics on Etsy, featuring Regretsy and CF4L artwork! This is a limited quantity reward and no more of these sets will be made available after these sell out.

BARN WOOD NOT INCLUDED

And now, I’m announcing three more rewards that make everything else look like the crap it truly is.

$6.00 REWARD:

For a $6 pledge, you’ll get the official Regretsy winter holiday card, signed and personalized by me and Bronc Drywall, mailed to the person of your choosing (domestic and international shipping included). We’ll also include some bonus stickers! It’s the perfect way to say, “I care about you, but not that much.”

$60 REWARD: EDIBLE FUCKERY

A signed, printed version of Regretsy’s Big Book of Fabricated Folktales from Finland, a handwritten thank you note from my private stash of Regretsy notecards and – are you sitting down? A half dozen specially created Regretsy cookies from the amazing Pinwheel Bakery! The cookies are still being designed, but we’ve settled on three that will be included in your assortment:

Missing ear elephant (from this post)

Regretsy panty-liner bookmark, (based on the work of HiBird)

Level 4 Cut-Out Cat (from this post)

And if that’s not enough – and it never is with you people – you also get a set of 4 Regretsy sport cups to fill with ice cold milk. Or gin.

NOTE: There are only 24 of these rewards available, and they are only available for domestic shipping. JUST ONE MORE REASON TO HATE CANADA

And finally…

$160 REWARD: PUTTING THE WTF BACK IN CHRISTMAS

All right, just hold on. Just hold on. Seriously, hold on.

This is the very special Regretsy Christmas Assortment and Happy Pack™.

In addition to a signed, printed copy of the book bound in unsustainable, earth hating plastic, you also get a handwritten holiday card addressed to anyone of your choosing, a worthless bonus item AND…. one of 100 handmade editions by BANDmade books; maker of fine, hand bound art book on very special hand made paper.

But before I tell you about the paper being made for this edition, here’s a short video of BANDmade founder Pam DeLuco at work, making paper out of blue jeans for a Levis art book project.

So now you’re asking yourself, what could you possibly be making the paper out of that would make this book so God damned valuable?

Well, two things.

First of all, the bass player for the band CAKE is donating his futon to use as fiber for the paper. And if you can imagine the kind of action that happened on that futon, you’re already looking at a priceless heirloom.

And I’m donating something too:

Yes, we’re using my precious dog caftan to make paper out of. So every page you turn will be infused with rock and roll sex and the ugliest fucking garment ever created.

YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET THIS KIND OF ACTION ON HANDEMADEOLOGY

So that’s it. I can’t do better than that. If you don’t send me to Finland now, you may have to sleep on the couch for a while.

Remember, you can always change your reward selection if I make another premium available that you’d rather have.