All through my sphincter
You met resistance
I kept my prostate
Don’t keep your distance

But you wouldn’t expect that kind of thing on Etsy, would you? Of course not! After all, Etsy and Ebay are two totally different things. One baits people into paying exorbitant prices for worthless goods from China, and the other is an auction site.

But it turns out that gratuitous imagery is very much alive and well on Etsy. In fact, Etsy is the World’s Most Vibrant Handmade Spank Bank!™

And Etsy sellers are good at it. Maybe too good at it. Because sometimes the imagery is so extreme, you don’t even know what people are selling.

So here’s a short quiz for you. These are all Etsy listings for something, but what? take your best guess, then click on the image for the answer.

This audio track is an overly dramatic reading of THE CURSE OF THE VOWEL OWL; a story from Regretsy’s Big Book of Fabricated Folktales from Finland. It was originally available only as a reward on Kickstarter, but we’re making it available now on Regretsy.

I recorded this track with the amazing Rob Paulsen. We met many years ago on GOOF TROOP (he played my son, P.J.), and I have been crushing pretty hard ever since. He is one of the most versatile and well loved actors working in animation, and I am so lucky he allows me to waste his time on crap like this. He is not only talented, but incredibly kind and charitable, and does a lot of good for many organizations.

Proceeds from this track will be split between Regretsy’s Charity Fund and one of Rob’s favorite charities; The Wounded Warrior Project. This program offers emotional and physical rehabilitation to injured veterans, and helps equip them for new, successful careers.

Here’s a sneak peek:

When you purchase the track, a download code will be generated and emailed to you. If you have any difficulty downloading or playing the track, send an email to downloads@regretsy.com for support.

Oh yeah! Ain’t nothing like a little black — oh, you said croc.

But we’ve somehow been led to believe that Etsy is classier than Ebay. It’s a bigger idea, a loftier ambition, “a beautiful experiment in restoring community and culture to our commerce.” And by “culture,” they mean tits. Lots of tits. And tattoos. And tattooed tits. And snarling, pierced faces that dare you to look at their tattooed tits. Yes, Etsy is like Suicide Girls, only hairier.

It’s disconcerting when you discover that the noble crafters of Etsy are serving up beaver shots to unload their smelly thrift store finds, and shoving their asses in your face to sell nail polish. But then, Etsy is a global marketplace, and everyone speaks Taco.

So what are you waiting for? There are so many gratuitous spread-eagled panty pics and hipster tits that you could spank yourself for months before your wife figures out you’re not really into pottery.

Pull up a kleenex and start putting the crotch in crochet. After all, everything is better when you do it by hand!

This reminds me of one of my favorite audio tracks ever. Click the player below, and make sure you have the sound way up if you’re at work.

Well, you fartknockers continue to back Regretsy’s Big Book of Fabricated Folktales from Finland on Kickstarter, and for that I can only thank the relaxed marijuana laws.

If you’ve missed my previous posts about this, I should tell you that I’m trying to raise enough money to print a book of completely made-up Finnish folklore. Sales of the book will underwrite my goodwill tour of Finland this winter, where I’ll immediately set about apologizing for having written a book of completely made-up Finnish folklore.

With a little more than 2 weeks to go, we are now 42% funded! It’s very exciting of course, but we can’t stop now. No, we can’t. And here’s why:

Kickstarter is an all or nothing proprosition. If we don’t reach the entire funding goal, we get nothing. “Dick all,” as they say in church. Your credit card will not be charged, I will not write the book, we will not go to Finland, vodka and reindeer meat will be left to spoil, children will weep and Christmas will be canceled.

DO YOU WANT THAT ON YOUR HANDS

Last week I added two new premiums to the fundraiser:

$25 REWARD

Along with a pdf of the book, you’ll get an audio track of one of the stories! Rob Paulsen, who you know best as Pinky (Pinky and the Brain) and Yakko (Animaniacs) will be supplying the voices along with me, and it should be the most magical piece of audio since Garrison Keillor forgot to take his wireless microphone off in the mens room.

$40 REWARD

A signed, printed version of Regretsy’s Big Book of Fabricated Folktales from Finland, a handwritten thank you note from my private stash of Regretsy notecards and a set of ten handmade collector pins by Autumn’s Antics on Etsy, featuring Regretsy and CF4L artwork! This is a limited quantity reward and no more of these sets will be made available after these sell out.

BARN WOOD NOT INCLUDED

And now, I’m announcing three more rewards that make everything else look like the crap it truly is.

$6.00 REWARD:

For a $6 pledge, you’ll get the official Regretsy winter holiday card, signed and personalized by me and Bronc Drywall, mailed to the person of your choosing (domestic and international shipping included). We’ll also include some bonus stickers! It’s the perfect way to say, “I care about you, but not that much.”

$60 REWARD: EDIBLE FUCKERY

A signed, printed version of Regretsy’s Big Book of Fabricated Folktales from Finland, a handwritten thank you note from my private stash of Regretsy notecards and – are you sitting down? A half dozen specially created Regretsy cookies from the amazing Pinwheel Bakery! The cookies are still being designed, but we’ve settled on three that will be included in your assortment:

Missing ear elephant (from this post)

Regretsy panty-liner bookmark, (based on the work of HiBird)

Level 4 Cut-Out Cat (from this post)

And if that’s not enough – and it never is with you people – you also get a set of 4 Regretsy sport cups to fill with ice cold milk. Or gin.

NOTE: There are only 24 of these rewards available, and they are only available for domestic shipping. JUST ONE MORE REASON TO HATE CANADA

And finally…

$160 REWARD: PUTTING THE WTF BACK IN CHRISTMAS

All right, just hold on. Just hold on. Seriously, hold on.

This is the very special Regretsy Christmas Assortment and Happy Pack™.

In addition to a signed, printed copy of the book bound in unsustainable, earth hating plastic, you also get a handwritten holiday card addressed to anyone of your choosing, a worthless bonus item AND…. one of 100 handmade editions by BANDmade books; maker of fine, hand bound art book on very special hand made paper.

But before I tell you about the paper being made for this edition, here’s a short video of BANDmade founder Pam DeLuco at work, making paper out of blue jeans for a Levis art book project.

So now you’re asking yourself, what could you possibly be making the paper out of that would make this book so God damned valuable?

Well, two things.

First of all, the bass player for the band CAKE is donating his futon to use as fiber for the paper. And if you can imagine the kind of action that happened on that futon, you’re already looking at a priceless heirloom.

And I’m donating something too:

Yes, we’re using my precious dog caftan to make paper out of. So every page you turn will be infused with rock and roll sex and the ugliest fucking garment ever created.

YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET THIS KIND OF ACTION ON HANDEMADEOLOGY

So that’s it. I can’t do better than that. If you don’t send me to Finland now, you may have to sleep on the couch for a while.

Remember, you can always change your reward selection if I make another premium available that you’d rather have.

Click here to get your own rant from Sam Cornwell on fiverr

A few months ago, our butt plug bills were through the roof! It seems like I was constantly buying new ass toys to go with everything in my closet. And forget back to school shopping; the kids always want the cool new butt plugs everyone else is wearing!

Thanks, Fawx Tails™!

- Helen Killer, Sherman Oaks

Etsy listing here

This site is no accident, though it may appear that way. It takes many hours of sitting around looking at shit to make this dream a reality, and I am only too happy to do it. And after almost two years, I am happy to report that I’m now fused to my chair, and have to be washed by an aide.

But if you stop and think about what I write (which is more than I do), you’ll realize that I am basically shopping all day long. Almost everything I see is for sale, and I have Paypal. YOU DO THE MATH

There are consequences to doing this of course, and my house is the end result. In fact, last Wednesday I realized that my shopping for awesome had reached critical mass: I am now regularly purchasing at least one completely unnecessary object every week. Fortunately, I’m a little OCD about tidying and organizing, so it’s not really hoarding. It’s not like I have dead cats in my kitchen. I have them in the craft room, organized by color.

Here then, is today’s Awesome Purchase of the Week™, which just arrived yesterday.

I’m not able to fully articulate the majesty of this fucking thing. So I’m not going to try. All I can say is that I need to figure out what kind of cookies should go in Spock’s torso, so if you have any ideas about that, let me know.

While we’re in the kitchen, let me show you some of my other prizes.

This is “F. Scott Fetchgerald,” from Chet Phillips’ Literary Pets Collection. Sully, my own Boston Terrier, can’t write novels. Which is just as well, because they’d all be about smelling the oven door and throwing up in the hallway.

Chet Phillips is magical. We bought a pack of his Union of Superlative Heroes trading cards for a friend last Christmas, and it was very difficut to part with them. I am currently eyeing his portrait gallery of Steampunk Monkeys.

This is a magnet mosaic on the side of our refrigerator (we got tired of looking at coupons for Bed Bath & Beyond, and art by children whose parents we don’t like). It’s made from thousands of magnetized squares that can be arranged like pixels to look like a variety of different people and objects. This particular set can also be used to make Audrey Hepburn, Jack Nicholson from The Shining, the Mona Lisa and Gene Simmons.

And finally, two treasures I would save in a fire:

First, a jewel in my novelty cross stitch collection, which I originally bought as a gift for a friend.

Fuck him. I don’t need friends that bad.

And last but not least, my hopping Bill Nighy toy. Artist John Larriva makes these by sculpting a realistic head, topping it with a tiny, handmade wig, and affixing it to the inner workings of an old wind-up toy. The result is purely horrfying.

- See a video of this thing in action here, and don’t say I didn’t warn you

I’m currently trying to decide whether I should buy everything Larriva makes or buy food for my dogs. I figure as soon as Sully finishes his manuscript, he’s on his own.

Shopping Guide:

• Spock cookie jar by Neatorama
• F. Scott Fetchgerald print by by Chet Phillips
• Refrigerator magnet artwork set by Motifo
• Stripping sampler by Stitch Out Loud
• “Billgoblin” hopping Bill Nighy toy by Larriva

You know, some days my “organic 11 and a half inch non flammable cum” keyword search really pays off.

Well, that kind of behavior might fly over there, but Ebay and Etsy are two totally different things: One of them is full of cheap crap from China, and the other is an auction site.

The point is, we’ve somehow been led to believe that Etsy is classier than Ebay. It’s a bigger idea, a loftier ambition, “a beautiful experiment in restoring community and culture to our commerce.” And by “culture,” they mean tits. Lots of tits. And ass. And big, hairy, hippie bush.

It’s a little disconcerting when you first discover that the noble crafters of Etsy are not above serving up a beaver shot to unload some smelly vintage leotard, or showing their asses to sell a headband. But then, Etsy is a global marketplace, and poon is the universal language. There are so many gratuitous spread-eagled panty pics and hipster tits that you could spank yourself for months before your wife figures out you’re not really shopping.

So come on! Pull up a Kleenex and let’s get started. After all, everything is better when you do it by hand!

- Submitted by Anna

Boy, you’re going to learn a lot from a polyfill ass. Once you master the button prostate and the elastic sphincter, you’ll be ready to start cornholing H.R. Pufnstuff.

Maybe I’ll just have the soup.