This post first appeared on Regretsy on January 27, 2011

All through my sphincter
You met resistance
I kept my prostate
Don’t keep your distance

By now we al know that sex sells. This is particularly true on Ebay, where women routinely find ways to shove their jugs into their listings.

But you wouldn’t expect that kind of thing on Etsy, would you? Of course not! After all, Etsy and Ebay are two totally different things. One baits people into paying exorbitant prices for worthless goods from China, and the other is an auction site.

But it turns out that gratuitous imagery is very much alive and well on Etsy. In fact, Etsy is the World’s Most Vibrant Handmade Spank Bank!™

And Etsy sellers are good at it. Maybe too good at it. Because sometimes the imagery is so extreme, you don’t even know what people are selling.

So here’s a short quiz for you. These are all Etsy listings for something, but what? take your best guess, then click on the image for the answer.

This audio track is an overly dramatic reading of THE CURSE OF THE VOWEL OWL; a story from Regretsy’s Big Book of Fabricated Folktales from Finland. It was originally available only as a reward on Kickstarter, but we’re making it available now on Regretsy.

I recorded this track with the amazing Rob Paulsen. We met many years ago on GOOF TROOP (he played my son, P.J.), and I have been crushing pretty hard ever since. He is one of the most versatile and well loved actors working in animation, and I am so lucky he allows me to waste his time on crap like this. He is not only talented, but incredibly kind and charitable, and does a lot of good for many organizations.

Proceeds from this track will be split between Regretsy’s Charity Fund and one of Rob’s favorite charities; The Wounded Warrior Project. This program offers emotional and physical rehabilitation to injured veterans, and helps equip them for new, successful careers.

Here’s a sneak peek:

When you purchase the track, a download code will be generated and emailed to you. If you have any difficulty downloading or playing the track, send an email to downloads@regretsy.com for support.

Oh yeah! Ain’t nothing like a little black — oh, you said croc.