If I walked in on my future wife and she was hitting this thing with a stick, I would try to get my deposit back on the hall.

So you’re saying it gets floppy if you play with it? BECAUSE THAT’S NOT HOW MY WAND WORKS

BONUS: HAPPY HOLIDAYS

- More things that look like penises here

- Still more things that look like penises here

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE

You know, if I wanted bedding with sperm on it, I’d go to the Marriot.

Well, let me rephrase that. I love looking at men in strange underpants. The weirder and more inexplicable the design, the more I like it. It’s not a sexual thing, it’s more that I can’t believe someone thinks that looks sexy.

One of my favorites in this category was the Heartbreak Clown Thong:

Is that fantastic or what? I’m not even going to talk about cream pies and squirting flowers. You can fill all that in for yourself. No, I liked this because I enjoyed pretending it was Dane Cook, and it was the only job he could get after Good Luck Chuck.

But more importantly, who the hell would buy something like this?

Oh wait, never mind.

And then there was this little number, which goes by the name of “Balls Out.” It’s designed to allow your nutsack flop out so you look like an old guy on the bus, going to his proctologist appointment.

IS IT HOT IN HERE OR IS IT YOU

But today I have one for you that is so special I can barely put my enthusiasm into words. May I present… THE CHANGED MAN BIKINI:

How about that action? I expect these to sell out pretty fast. After all, who doesn’t want their balls look like a baboon’s ass?

The manufacturer refers to this as their “best selling vagina-style suit,” and says it allows you to get in touch with your feminine side by “creating a virtual pussy out of your cock.” Trés Matrix!

First of all, what is “vagina-style?” Is that the opposite of “Big Willie Style?” And where would you wear this, exactly? The gym? Maybe your neighbor’s Labor Day party? How about just lounging around the pool at the Sheraton? That wouldn’t be weird, would it?

I’m not getting it. Maybe a closer look will give you an idea.

Me neither.

I guess I’m not the target market, but I don’t see anything remotely hot about crushing your junk with an elastic strap so it looks like you have an enormous, inflamed camel toe.

Maybe it’s a Halloween thing. I hear Kim Kardashian is a pretty hot costume this year.

- Buy your own Changed Man suit here. I dare you.

BONUS:

- More things that look like penises here

- Even more things that look like penises here

Drinking champagne from a bronze codpiece sounds delicious, but I’m going to wait until after you’ve had your sweaty nutsack in there all day so I get the full blazing effect.

See the original post (plus a rearview) here

From Shop His Trunks.com:

Heartbreak Clown Thong Outfit
$15.00

“Candyman’s Heartbreak Clown Costume features a pair of underwear that is best described as a cross between a cheeky brief and a thong. The back of the underwear features more material than is typically associated with a thong, but not enough to be a brief. Features suspenders and a large bow tie to go along with the clown face motif featured on the pouch of the brief.”

AND THEN THIS HAPPENED

From: Dave
Date: Mon, Aug 8, 2011 at 3:11 AM
Subject: For the gallery

It wasn’t Etsy, I know. But it was an instant classic, and I had to own it.

Since I’ve became one with my new skin, my life has begun anew. In His Squeaky Red Nose, all answers are revealed.The Clown inhabits me, and acts through my groin.

SPECIAL UPDATE FOR REGRETSY READERS: Justin, the hanging brain of Shop His Trunks, was so pleased with your response to this story, that he has created a special discount coupon just for you! Just enter REGRETSY at checkout, and you’ll receive 20% off any K’Mando product.

This is not a sponsored post. I gain nothing from this, except the hope that someday you may also get as drunk as Dave, and decide to send me a picture like this.

This reminds me of a party I went to in college.

UPDATE: I just saw this posted in the comment thread.