As you know, the good folks at Etsy put an assortment of super special items on their front page, hoping to fool you into thinking that’s what they sell there. These items are chosen in a very deliberate and careful way, and by that I mean they throw some corn on a keyboard, and post whatever their chicken pecks out.

Case in point: a delicious, sunny, citrusy, honey-mustard coated treasury of yummy nummy handpicked fuckery that appeared on Etsy’s front page Sunday night.

Isn’t that so… orange? And it’s French too! I mean, I don’t know why it’s french, but they say that it is, and there’s a little Eiffel Tower in one of the pictures, so… je t’adore!

And of course, everyone loves this treasury, because that’s what people do on Etsy – they talk about how super cute and great and awesome everything is:

These are actual quotes. Only the names and avatars have been changed to protect the craftards

That’s right! The brown paper package tied up with string on the front page of Etsy isn’t even an actual object. IT’S JUST A SHIPPING OPTION.

But it’s a really cute shipping option! OMG it’s so cute, you guys! Super cute. I don’t know why your shipping option is on Regretsy, I think it’s cute. I heart your shipping option and added it to my favorite shipping options. You can’t get cute shipping options like this at the big box stores.

And here’s the best part of this clusterfuck: you can’t sell something like this on Etsy. It’s against their Terms of We Can’t Find Our Ass With a Map. They’re using front page real estate to promote something you aren’t allowed to sell. So if you can’t buy it and you can’t sell it, why is it on the front page?

BECAUSE IT’S THE RIGHT COLOR. That stupid fucking box matches the rest of this merde bébé collection, and that’s good enough for them.

In fact, it could have looked like this:

It reminds me of an article I read once, about how people who are mentally defective or schizophrenic make decisions based solely on color. And isn’t that what we’re really talking about? A building full of adults using giant phones, drinking out of toy cups and wearing their clothes backwards?

MAYBE THIS WHOLE THING IS A CRY FOR HELP

This past Saturday, the good folks at Etsy threw some organic fair trade corn on a keyboard, and let their pet chicken peck out their featured seller! Here’s what the old girl came up with.

Don’t think of this as three worthless pieces of crap.

I mean it is, but don’t think of it that way.

Think of it as an instant collection of vintage/natural found objects. Doesn’t that sound muted and creamy and architectural? Sure it does! I’m getting all yummy and repurposed just thinking about it!

I don’t know when a feather and a spoon became currency, but welcome to Happyland. It’s like when a kid tries to pay the ice cream man with leaves. It’s cute when you’re three, but when you’re an adult, it’s a cry for help.

But someone will buy this. Someone will look at this and think, “Shit, I really want that feather.” And you know why? Two words.

Barn wood.

It’s true. Barn wood is the hipster aphrodisiac. It’s sustainable porn. They can’t resist it. It stimulates the pleasure center like a linseed-oiled finger. All over Brooklyn, skinny men with wispy mustaches are jerking off to lumber catalogues.

You want to sell that chicken bone from lunch? Just shoot it on a piece of old barn wood, and some goofball will buy it. It doesn’t matter how worthless it is. If it’s on barn wood, someone will want it so they can put it next to their empty birdcage.

I TAKE PAYPAL

As you know, the people at Etsy hand-pick a selection of super special items to go on their front page every day. These usually include a bridal gown from a Chinese reseller, a busted toy in a jar, 15 year old dry cleaning bags and an upcycled KFC bucket full of pine cones.

You may also know that I believe everything is chosen by the Etsy chicken. I really do. I think the people at Etsy just throw a handful of corn on a laptop and watch him go. Whatever he pecks out goes right on the front page, and then they all go back to listening to Modest Mouse on the ironic 80′s boombox.

Because I can’t think of any other way to explain this.

Welcome to my farm! I’m Farmer Fuckwad and I cook up ribbons every day in my tiny cottage with Shrug, the pint-sized talking horse! Gotta go! I’m expecting a rainbow delivery!

Jesus H. Macy, I just hate this crap. I really do. Everywhere you look people are pretending to pick earrings off of trees or knit with birds or find fairies under rocks. Etsy is like a mental hospital, only with paler colors.

And you know why this forced whimsy is spreading like a flesh-eating bacteria? Because Etsy suggests it. This is actually one of their business tips. Make a story! Create a wonderland! Tell a riveting tale about your $2 worth of cheap shit on a clothespin, and YOU CAN QUIT YOUR DAY JOB!

Isn’t it exciting? Pretty soon you’ll be able to pay your mortgage with those bedazzled plastic cups, because they came from the magical land of Solo, where hot things stay hot and cool things stay cool!

Can you imagine being an actual artisan, someone who blows glass or paints or hand sews clothing, and waking up to this pile of horse shit? I would personally walk over to Etsy’s Honeycomb Hideout and break all their mustaches on sticks.

ETSY: YOUR ONLINE MARKET PLACE TO BUY RIBBON SOMEONE PRETENDED TO MAKE IN A CROCKPOT

As you know, Etsy selects their “handpicked” items by throwing corn on a laptop, and just posting whatever the hell their pet chicken pecks out.

Here’s one of the latest featured items, as chosen by PBR, the Etsy hipster chicken.

Here’s what I want to say to the person who made this.

I get it.

Some people might see a piece of wood and a pencil, but I see an incredibly thought provoking and challenging piece of work. There’s more happening here than we can consciously perceive. And it is exactly that complexity that makes this so important, and well worth the $100 asking price.

Oh wait, no that’s not what I meant. “Fuck you.” That’s what I meant.