This post first appeared on Regretsy on March 1, 2011

This past Saturday, the good folks at Etsy threw some organic fair trade corn on a keyboard, and let their pet chicken peck out their featured seller! Here’s what the old girl came up with.

Don’t think of this as three worthless pieces of crap.

I mean it is, but don’t think of it that way.

Think of it as an instant collection of vintage/natural found objects. Doesn’t that sound muted and creamy and architectural? Sure it does! I’m getting all yummy and repurposed just thinking about it!

I don’t know when a feather and a spoon became currency, but welcome to Happyland. It’s like when a kid tries to pay the ice cream man with leaves. It’s cute when you’re three, but when you’re an adult, it’s a cry for help.

But someone will buy this. Someone will look at this and think, “Shit, I really want that feather.” And you know why? Two words.

Barn wood.

It’s true. Barn wood is the hipster aphrodisiac. It’s sustainable porn. They can’t resist it. It stimulates the pleasure center like a linseed-oiled finger. All over Brooklyn, skinny men with wispy mustaches are jerking off to lumber catalogues.

You want to sell that chicken bone from lunch? Just shoot it on a piece of old barn wood, and some goofball will buy it. It doesn’t matter how worthless it is. If it’s on barn wood, someone will want it so they can put it next to their empty birdcage.

I TAKE WEPAY

As you know, Etsy does almost nothing to promote its eleventy billion sellers, because really, once you start acknowledging the people who keep you in kombucha, where do you stop? Better to just pretend your Prius came from fairies.

However they do offer two flaccid attempts at diddling you, both of which generate boring content for them! So really, lose/lose.

1. Etsy’s “Handmade Portrait”
A tedious, desaturated video showing you hot gluing shit to other shit while you talk about yourself in the smallest voice possible

2. Esty’s Front Page
A never ending carousel of overpriced blandness, sorted by color

While the portrait is a bigger payoff, they don’t make a lot of them (probably because they can only get the rights to so many Zooey Deschanel songs). So for most poor bastards, the front page is the closest you’ll get to a reach-around.

To ensure that each front page selection is thoughtfully chosen, Etsy throws some corn on a keyboard, and runs with whatever the chicken pecks out.

Here are a pair of front page stunners the Etsy chicken pecked out this week:

I know what you’re thinking. It’s a stick. Obviously, you don’t speak chicken.

This is actually a $10 reclaimed spalted maple shim hair stick shawl pin. Made from weathered wood and photographed on weathered wood, just to give it that “weathered wood” feeling.

And before you ask, yes, people really do put twigs in their hair and on their clothing. I saw it once in National Geographic. They also pay for livestock with salt.

DIY TIP: Get the look for less by rolling around on the ground at a petting zoo.

Well, now you’re talking – a couple of rocks with string on them! You can add them to your collection, provided you collect rocks with string on them. And how cool is it that the colors change depending on the light? Not too many things you can say that about!

The question is, do you want her to trim the twine or not? That’s a toughie. I mean, what if it’s too short? Then what? You can’t uncut the twine. But then again, if it’s too long it might get caught in your nose ring. Oh well! I guess that’s why she’s on the front page, and you’re just slowly drinking yourself to death.

Whatever you choose, remember that twine-covered rocks are a calming element. Just thinking about the fact that someone got on the front page with this horse shit should put you in the fetal position.

DO NOT TAKE THE ROCK OUTSIDE

As you know, the elves at Etsy handpick an assortment of lovely num-nums to feature on their front page, using a very specific selection method. And by specific selection method, I mean throwing corn on a keyboard, and going with whatever the chicken happens to peck out.

Here’s a recent featured item:

A brick.

For $25.

Plus $24 shipping.

Which is fair.

But you have to give the seller points for sitting it on its side and calling it a bookend. That takes balls of steel. Which will be on the front page tomorrow, in a Mason Jar.

I don’t have to tell you that putting a brick on the front page generated some discussion on Etsy. And I also don’t have to tell you that discussion on Etsy is frowned on, unless it’s this discussion:

“Your stuff is cute!”
“Thanks! I <3 your store!"

But God bless the sane ones. They just keep asking questions, hoping for a breakthrough.

Oh they’ll enlighten you, all right. They’ll have to, because clearly you are too coarse and unaware to appreciate how beautiful the brick is.

Seriously, what’s the confusion? It’s fashionable. It’s also gorgeous and cool and vintage. Did I say cool yet? Because it’s also cool. Super cool. Kind of amazing you missed that, but oh well. Maybe you should be buying your bricks from a big box store since you obviously don’t get it. DOWN WITH BIG MORTAR!

Okay, maybe it is a piece of rubble you could find in a vacant lot. But it’s cool rubble and they want it really, really bad. Which is why it’s been up there for a month and nobody’s bought the fucking thing.

And that’s when help arrives.

I realize you might not have meant anything by asking a question, and maybe you were just wondering why valuable front page real estate is being used to promote horse shit like this, when you’re up all night knitting until your fingers are bleeding. But asking questions is getting a little close to wanting an answer, so just to be on the safe side, shut the fuck up. Thanks! <3

First they called out the brick sellers,
and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a brick seller.

Then they came for me
and there was no one left to speak out for me, because they had all been muted.

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