- Submitted by Emily

As you know, Etsy hand-picks a muted selection of desaturated creaminess to feature on their front page, using a very specific selection method. And by specific selection method, I mean throwing corn on a keyboard, and going with whatever the chicken pecks out.

Here’s today’s featured item, hand pecked by the Etsy Hipster Chicken.

PEOPLE WHO LIKED BED OF LIGHT ALSO LIKED:

CHAIR OF DARK

COUCH OF CONTRAST

LENS FLARE ON ATM

This post first appeared on Regretsy in October of 2011

As you know, Etsy does almost nothing to promote its eleventy billion sellers, because really, once you start acknowledging the people who keep you in kombucha, where do you stop? Better to just pretend your Prius came from fairies.

However they do offer two flaccid attempts at diddling you, both of which generate boring content for them! So really, lose/lose.

1. Etsy’s “Handmade Portrait”
A tedious, desaturated video showing you hot gluing shit to other shit while you talk about yourself in the smallest voice possible

2. Esty’s Front Page
A never ending carousel of overpriced blandness, sorted by color

While the portrait is a bigger payoff, they don’t make a lot of them (probably because they can only get the rights to so many Zooey Deschanel songs). So for most poor bastards, the front page is the closest you’ll get to a reach-around.

To ensure that each front page selection is thoughtfully chosen, Etsy throws some corn on a keyboard, and runs with whatever the chicken pecks out.

Here are a pair of front page stunners the Etsy chicken pecked out this week:

I know what you’re thinking. It’s a stick. Obviously, you don’t speak chicken.

This is actually a $10 reclaimed spalted maple shim hair stick shawl pin. Made from weathered wood and photographed on weathered wood, just to give it that “weathered wood” feeling.

And before you ask, yes, people really do put twigs in their hair and on their clothing. I saw it once in National Geographic. They also pay for livestock with salt.

DIY TIP: Get the look for less by rolling around on the ground at a petting zoo.

Well, now you’re talking – a couple of rocks with string on them! You can add them to your collection, provided you collect rocks with string on them. And how cool is it that the colors change depending on the light? Not too many things you can say that about!

The question is, do you want her to trim the twine or not? That’s a toughie. I mean, what if it’s too short? Then what? You can’t uncut the twine. But then again, if it’s too long it might get caught in your nose ring. Oh well! I guess that’s why she’s on the front page, and you’re just slowly drinking yourself to death.

Whatever you choose, remember that twine-covered rocks are a calming element. Just thinking about the fact that someone got on the front page with this horse shit should put you in the fetal position.

DO NOT TAKE THE ROCK OUTSIDE

- This post originally appeared on Regretsy on May 11, 2011

As you know, the elves at Etsy handpick an assortment of lovely num-nums to feature on their front page, using a very specific selection method. And by specific selection method, I mean throwing corn on a keyboard, and going with whatever the chicken happens to peck out.

Here’s a recent featured item:

A brick.

For $25.

Plus $24 shipping.

Which is fair.

But you have to give the seller points for sitting it on its side and calling it a bookend. That takes balls of steel. Which will be on the front page tomorrow, in a Mason Jar.

I don’t have to tell you that putting a brick on the front page generated some discussion on Etsy. And I also don’t have to tell you that discussion on Etsy is frowned on, unless it’s this discussion:

“Your stuff is cute!”
“Thanks! I <3 your store!"

But God bless the sane ones. They just keep asking questions, hoping for a breakthrough.

Oh they’ll enlighten you, all right. They’ll have to, because clearly you are too coarse and unaware to appreciate how beautiful the brick is.

Seriously, what’s the confusion? It’s fashionable. It’s also gorgeous and cool and vintage. Did I say cool yet? Because it’s also cool. Super cool. Kind of amazing you missed that, but oh well. Maybe you should be buying your bricks from a big box store since you obviously don’t get it. DOWN WITH BIG MORTAR!

Okay, maybe it is a piece of rubble you could find in a vacant lot. But it’s cool rubble and they want it really, really bad. Which is why it’s been up there for a month and nobody’s bought the fucking thing.

And that’s when help arrives.

I realize you might not have meant anything by asking a question, and maybe you were just wondering why valuable front page real estate is being used to promote horse shit like this, when you’re up all night knitting until your fingers are bleeding. But asking questions is getting a little close to wanting an answer, so just to be on the safe side, shut the fuck up. Thanks! <3

First they called out the brick sellers,
and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a brick seller.

Then they came for me
and there was no one left to speak out for me, because they had all been muted.

PEOPLE WHO LIKE CRUMBLING BRICK ALSO LIKE:

UPDATE: after 6 months of hearts and likes, this piece of crumbling rubble finally did sell. Whoever bought it, bless your heart.

As you know, the good folks at Etsy put an assortment of super special items on their front page, hoping to fool you into thinking that’s what they sell there. These items are chosen in a very deliberate and careful way, and by that I mean they throw some corn on a keyboard, and post whatever their chicken pecks out.

Case in point: a delicious, sunny, citrusy, honey-mustard coated treasury of yummy nummy handpicked fuckery that appeared on Etsy’s front page Sunday night.

Isn’t that so… orange? And it’s French too! I mean, I don’t know why it’s french, but they say that it is, and there’s a little Eiffel Tower in one of the pictures, so… je t’adore!

And of course, everyone loves this treasury, because that’s what people do on Etsy – they talk about how super cute and great and awesome everything is.

These are actual quotes. Only the names and avatars have been changed to protect the craftards

That’s right! The brown paper package tied up with string on the front page of Etsy isn’t even an actual object. IT’S JUST A SHIPPING OPTION.

But it’s a really cute shipping option! OMG it’s so cute, you guys! Super cute. I don’t know why your shipping option is on Regretsy, I think it’s cute. I heart your shipping option and added it to my favorite shipping options. You can’t get cute shipping options like this at the big box stores.

And here’s the best part of this clusterfuck: you can’t sell something like this on Etsy. It’s against their Terms of We Can’t Find Our Ass With a Map. They’re using front page real estate to promote something you aren’t allowed to sell. So if you can’t buy it and you can’t sell it, why is it on the front page?

BECAUSE IT’S THE RIGHT COLOR. That stupid fucking box matches the rest of this merde bébé collection, and that’s good enough for them.

In fact, it could have looked like this:

It reminds me of an article I read once, about how people who are mentally defective or schizophrenic make decisions based solely on color. And isn’t that what we’re really talking about? A building full of adults using giant phones, drinking out of toy cups and wearing their clothes backwards?

MAYBE THIS WHOLE THING IS A CRY FOR HELP