It’s no secret at this point that I enjoy looking at men in their underpants.

Well, let me rephrase that. I love looking at men in strange underpants. The weirder and more inexplicable the design, the more I like it. It’s not a sexual thing, it’s more that I can’t believe someone thinks that looks sexy.

One of my favorites in this category was the Heartbreak Clown Thong:

Is that fantastic or what? I’m not even going to talk about cream pies and squirting flowers. You can fill all that in for yourself. No, I liked this because I enjoyed pretending it was Dane Cook, and it was the only job he could get after Good Luck Chuck.

But more importantly, who the hell would buy something like this?

Oh wait, never mind.

And then there was this little number, which goes by the name of “Balls Out.” It’s designed to allow your nutsack flop out so you look like an old guy on the bus, going to his proctologist appointment.

IS IT HOT IN HERE OR IS IT YOU

But today I have one for you that is so special I can barely put my enthusiasm into words. May I present… THE CHANGED MAN BIKINI:

How about that action? I expect these to sell out pretty fast. After all, who doesn’t want their balls look like a baboon’s ass?

The manufacturer refers to this as their “best selling vagina-style suit,” and says it allows you to get in touch with your feminine side by “creating a virtual pussy out of your cock.” Trés Matrix!

First of all, what is “vagina-style?” Is that the opposite of “Big Willie Style?” And where would you wear this, exactly? The gym? Maybe your neighbor’s Labor Day party? How about just lounging around the pool at the Sheraton? That wouldn’t be weird, would it?

I’m not getting it. Maybe a closer look will give you an idea.

Me neither.

I guess I’m not the target market, but I don’t see anything remotely hot about crushing your junk with an elastic strap so it looks like you have an enormous, inflamed camel toe.

Maybe it’s a Halloween thing. I hear Kim Kardashian is a pretty hot costume this year.

- Buy your own Changed Man suit here. I dare you.

Let me get this straight. You want beverages and a ride in your own car? And I’ll get babysitting money? I’ll be right there, Mrs. Brady!

Jesus Christ. Even on drugs, lesbians are boring.

This site is no accident, though it may appear that way. It takes many hours of sitting around looking at shit to make this dream a reality, and I am only too happy to do it. And after almost two years, I am happy to report that I’m now fused to my chair, and have to be washed by an aide.

But if you stop and think about what I write (which is more than I do), you’ll realize that I am basically shopping all day long. Almost everything I see is for sale, and I have Paypal. YOU DO THE MATH

There are consequences to doing this of course, and my house is the end result. In fact, last Wednesday I realized that my shopping for awesome had reached critical mass: I am now regularly purchasing at least one completely unnecessary object every week. Fortunately, I’m a little OCD about tidying and organizing, so it’s not really hoarding. It’s not like I have dead cats in my kitchen. I have them in the craft room, organized by color.

Here then, is today’s Awesome Purchase of the Week™, which just arrived yesterday.

I’m not able to fully articulate the majesty of this fucking thing. So I’m not going to try. All I can say is that I need to figure out what kind of cookies should go in Spock’s torso, so if you have any ideas about that, let me know.

While we’re in the kitchen, let me show you some of my other prizes.

This is “F. Scott Fetchgerald,” from Chet Phillips’ Literary Pets Collection. Sully, my own Boston Terrier, can’t write novels. Which is just as well, because they’d all be about smelling the oven door and throwing up in the hallway.

Chet Phillips is magical. We bought a pack of his Union of Superlative Heroes trading cards for a friend last Christmas, and it was very difficut to part with them. I am currently eyeing his portrait gallery of Steampunk Monkeys.

This is a magnet mosaic on the side of our refrigerator (we got tired of looking at coupons for Bed Bath & Beyond, and art by children whose parents we don’t like). It’s made from thousands of magnetized squares that can be arranged like pixels to look like a variety of different people and objects. This particular set can also be used to make Audrey Hepburn, Jack Nicholson from The Shining, the Mona Lisa and Gene Simmons.

And finally, two treasures I would save in a fire:

First, a jewel in my novelty cross stitch collection, which I originally bought as a gift for a friend.

Fuck him. I don’t need friends that bad.

And last but not least, my hopping Bill Nighy toy. Artist John Larriva makes these by sculpting a realistic head, topping it with a tiny, handmade wig, and affixing it to the inner workings of an old wind-up toy. The result is purely horrfying.

- See a video of this thing in action here, and don’t say I didn’t warn you

I’m currently trying to decide whether I should buy everything Larriva makes or buy food for my dogs. I figure as soon as Sully finishes his manuscript, he’s on his own.

Shopping Guide:

• Spock cookie jar by Neatorama
• F. Scott Fetchgerald print by by Chet Phillips
• Refrigerator magnet artwork set by Motifo
• Stripping sampler by Stitch Out Loud
• “Billgoblin” hopping Bill Nighy toy by Larriva

Aubrey Longley-Cook is an Atlanta based artist working in animation and embroidery. He created this animation by editing together images of 15 embroidered pieces. He used his own dog, Gus, as the model.

See more awesome work on his website, Spool Spectrum.