“My wife Patricia got her cookie reward from her Kickstarter pledge, and she graciously allowed me to nibble on a little piece of one. Delicious! She had to break the penis up into little pieces before she could eat it.”
Well Stuart, the important thing is that she swallowed it.
“I received my book today! I took it out of the mailbox and right after I ripped open the package I thought, “Uh oh, I have to shit.” So I ran into the bathroom with the book to do my business. Long story short, I ended up with my ass cheeks asleep and a stitch in my side from laughing so hard!”
Is there an author on earth who doesn’t live to hear this? I got your book and immediately had to take a shit. Now I know how Tom Brokaw feels.
What’s all this praise about?
Why, it’s about this:
REGRETSY’S BIG BOOK OF FABRICATED FOLKTALES FROM FINLAND
If you’re new here, you may not know about the ridiculous book I wrote about Finland recently, which contains nothing but lies, stereotypes and completely made-up shit about a country I had never even seen until last week.
But every silver lining has a cloud. And for me, that cloud is the living hell of shipping, damaged merchandise, lost packages and misprinted books. Plus a host of other issues too tedious to recount, as opposed to everything I just said, which is absolutely spellbinding.
Let me just put it this way. We are entirely too simple-minded to take on a task like this, and you should have never given us money. We took it to Finland and drank it all.
But you’ll be happy to know that the BANDmade books are here and we are shipping them out now! They look incredible!
These are the books that were handmade by Pam DeLuco, using paper she made herself. The fiber for this paper comes from two fantastic sources; a sex-soaked futon belonging to the bass player from CAKE, and my beloved horrible dog caftan.
Not only that, but parts of this book were dyed with dung, making it even more festive! IT’S A VERY SANTORUM CHRISTMAS, CHARLIE BROWN
Almost all of the BANDmade books went out today, but we are waiting on a few of you to answer an important Kickstarter survey we sent out last night (we have to make a substitution on part of your order, and we need you to tell us your preference). As soon as we hear from you, your book will be on its way.
Now here’s the status of everything else:
REGRETSY COOKIES FROM PINWHEEL BAKERY
All cookies have been shipped.
Most pill organizers have been sent out already, and the rest are being sent out tomorrow.
Most Hellephant USB drives have been sent out already, and the rest are being sent out tomorrow.
AUDIO BONUS TRACK WITH ROB PAULSEN
The audio bonus with Rob Paulsen is ready for delivery! I am just trying to figure out how to send it to you, since it’s ENORMOUS. We are working on that now and should have it figured out by tomorrow.
Here’s a sneak peek:
All flasks have been shipped.
All pins have been shipped.
REGULAR PRINTED BOOK
If you are waiting for a regular old printed book, we have good news and bad news.
The bad news is, we are currently out of books, and the damaged books we had reprinted have been lost in transit. According to the printer, the reprinted books were delivered while we were in Finland, and were signed for by CUSTOMER WOMAN. So apparently Tarzan was here that day, and accepted the delivery for us.
The good news is, well, there isn’t any good news, but if I told you that upfront you wouldn’t have gotten this far.
Well, no there is some good news.
I’M GETTING 500 MORE BOOKS!
Yes, I decided that since I have to get these books printed up again, I might as well get some more. So if you wanted the book but it was sold out, THIS IS YOUR CHANCE! Of course, they won’t be done for a few weeks, so that means you’ll be spending Christmas sobbing by the tree. But you were going to do that anyway.
As soon as I have confirmed that the printing is in progress, I’ll start taking orders for the second run.
Now what does this mean for you, one of the 71 people who have already ordered a book and have dick all to show for it?
Well, we have a few options for you.
1. We can send you a Hellephant preloaded with the e-book (a $22 value – only 50 available)
2. We can email you the e-book and the audio track (a $30 value)
3. We can email you the e-book book and mail you a signed deck of Regretsy Tarot cards (a $25 value – only 10 available)
4. You can give us an additional $30 and upgrade to a BANDmade book (only 10 available)
5. You can put on your big boy jock and wait it out, tough guy. January is only a heartbeat away.
IF YOU ORDERED THE BOOK VIA OUR PAYPAL STORE AND YOU HAVE NOT RECEIVED IT, you may be one of the lucky 71 who aren’t getting shit for Christmas. Please email us right away and let us know what you would like to do.
MORE GOOD NEWS
In addition to the 500 books, we may have these available to sell:
WTF pill organizers
Regretsy Tarot cards
We may also have extra Bandmade books, but we’re going to give those lucky 71 first crack at everything.
We are also still sending e-books for $5, and we’re getting ready to sell the audio bonus with Rob Paulsen as well, but that will be next week. If you want an e-book, click here:
I will put all the extras up on the site this weekend. If you buy it by Monday, I will ship it on Monday, which means we might just make the Christmas delivery thing.
And then I’m going to snuggle up with a big bottle of Xanax and some canned Daiquiris and have the best Christmas ever.