Thanks to NPR for including me in today’s story on Etsy. I’m always happy to sprinkle a little truth on Chad Dickerson’s cupcake.

- Click here to listen

Last year, I asked you to help me raise enough money to buy gifts for 100 needy kids in the Regretsy community. You responded with such enthusiasm that we were able to help 200 kids. We bought gifts for every child, shipped them on time and got a cash gift to each family in time for Christmas.

And when I say “we,” I of course mean other people, as I was drinking myself to death in Helsinki. And we all know there are no Toys ‘R Us stores in Finland, only distilleries.

Yes, two women made Regretsy’s Secret Santa happen last year: Angelina, from Santa Mail Express, and our own forum moderator, Jeni. They did it all. And the good news is, they want to do it again.

The bad news is, we got a late start this year because one of us was off dicking around with puppets, and I’m not even going to name names. There’s no point. She knows who she is.

We want to help 200 children in need of a little holiday spirit. We want to send handpicked gifts, as well as a personalized letter from Santa. But we’ve only got a week to make this happen if we want to get the gifts out in time. We need to raise as much as we can by December 10th.

IF YOU WANT TO DONATE

We won’t be using PayPal this year, which will probably surprise you, seeing how great they were last Christmas. Instead, we’re using our WePay store, which you can find here. You can donate any amount you like, and you’ll be making the holidays brighter for a child who probably wouldn’t get much otherwise.

IF YOU WANT TO SUBMIT A CHILD FOR THE SECRET SANTA PROGRAM

If you know a child in need this Christmas, submit them to forums@regretsy.com with the subject line REGRETSY SANTA SUBMISSION, and be sure to include the following information:

• Parent’s name
• Child’s name
• Child’s age
• Gifts Child would like

If more than one child is in the household, please be sure to submit this information for each child. We may not be able to find the exact gift your child would like, so be sure to include other interests that might help us in selecting gifts, such as hobbies or favorite cartoons.

ALL SUBMISSIONS MUST BE RECEIVED BY DECEMBER 7th.

We will contact you on December 11th if we are able to make your Christmas wish come true.

Everyone else, go fund the hell out of Christmas morning for kids in need.

FAT, JEALOUS LOSER POWERS ACTIVATE!

By now you know that my new project, Sockpuppet Theatre, launches next Friday!

I still can’t tell you much about it, but the cast is absolutely amazing. We’ve got stars from Futurama, King of The Hill, Animaniacs, Pinky and the Brain, Kung Fu Panda, Madagascar, Arrested Development, Californication and Naruto, just to name a few.

I hope you’ll subscribe to Sockpuppet Theatre on YouTube and check it out. I think you’ll like it a lot, and I am really looking forward to sharing it with you.

And since it’s Thanksgiving, I’d like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for your continued support, and for giving Crochet Guevara such a great welcome. If you hadn’t been so open to a new voice over here, that probably would have been the end of Regretsy. Thanks for keeping this thing up and running.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all, and thank you for continuing to be such an awesome community of assholes.

H.K.

On Sunday, I posted a status update that appeared to be written by a woman named Holley Biffle.

Yesterday, I was contacted by a member of Mrs. Biffle’s family, who told me this update is a hoax. According to the source, it was orchestrated by someone known to Holley and her friends. This person has been trying to harm her for a while now, and has finally succeeded.

“Holley has never promoted hate against the gay community,” says a family member. “She is Christian, but not a Westboro wacko. She firmly believes that hate speech like this is NOT Christian. It’s not something she would ever do.”

I asked to be put in contact with Mrs. Biffle herself, and after confirming her identity, proceeded to have a lengthy correspondence with her. She is completely stunned by the events of the last few days.

“I absolutely did not write this. It never appeared on my page. It’s a complete fabrication,” says Holley. “I did not beat my son for walking home with the gay boy across the street. I would never beat him. And he’s not even old enough to walk home. He isn’t even four!”

I was also contacted by some of Holley’s friends, who have offered information about the hoaxer, but I’m not going to disclose that. The police are now investigating.

At this point, I’m convinced that Holley Biffle was set up by an extremely clever troll. Is there anything the internet hates more than a homophobic Christian child beater? He knew this perfect storm of privilege and intolerance would fire up the internet rage machine, and boy was he right.

I realize you have not had the benefit of corresponding with the people I have, and you may be unconvinced.

But I urge anyone still targeting this woman to think about how easy it would be for someone to do this. They don’t need your password, they don’t need to set up a fake profile or hack your computer. They just need Photoshop, your picture and a message of hatred.

And if that message pushes all the right buttons, you’ll be the one answering the door for CPS.

UPDATE: Facebook has deleted a group created to “give Holley some tough love” after death threats were posted. The membership was over a thousand.