We have two Ebay auctions going on right now, and they’re both more exciting than that hot chimp on frog video that’s been going around. And I think you know what I’m talking about.

Both auctions feature handmade bags by Go Baggery, filled to the brim with all kinds of wonderful, pants-filling fuckery. 100% of the proceeds directly benefit two Etsy sellers in need:

EBAY AUCTION 1

This is a handmade bag in the Atomic Elephant fabric, designed for our Regretsy Spoonflower fabric contest earlier this year.

The bag is crammed full of shit from Comic Con, as well as many other other pieces of delightful fuckery. There is a fantastic photo of Malcom McDowell from A Clockwork Orange, which he personally autographed for me at Comic Con, as well as a signed cast photo from What’s Happening. And you also get a signed Regretsy book, as well as an embroidered pantyliner bookmark from Regretsy superstar HiBird.

This auction benefits Stephanie, of Rainbow Darkness Studios (her Etsy shop is here). Stephanie is a hearing impaired Etsy seller who is trying to get her hearing aids repaired. She initially just asked if we could give her store a shout out, but I thought we could do better.

Click to go to Ebay listing

EBAY AUCTION 2

This is a handmade bag in the Dingleberry fabric, designed for our Regretsy Spoonflower fabric contest earlier this year.

The bag is filled with awesomeness by Regretsy featured artists (like Denny Pinkham) and Regretsy regulars. There are all kinds of things in here, from jewelry to handmade soap, as well as many other articles of fabulousness. There is also a signed Regretsy book inside, and an embroidered pantyliner bookmark from Regretsy superstar HiBird.

Proceeds for this auction benefit Veronica of Ronnie’s Tender Heart (her Etsy shop is here). Veronica is only 22 years old, but she’s battling leukemia for the third time. Her friends have started an Etsy store, hoping to sell enough bracelets to help cover the portion of her medical bills not covered by her insurance. Veronica must be a very special person. She is deeply loved by many people, who are all exhausting themselves to cover as many of these bills as possible

Click to go to Ebay listing

For complete details on contents and participating sellers, please check out the Ebay listings.

Happy bidding!

We’ve gotten a pantload of new readers in the last few weeks from the studs at Lamebook and People Of Walmart, and it’s so gratifying, I forgot to drink myself to sleep last night. That’s what I call personal growth!

Because there are so many new people here, I wanted to take a minute to alert you to the weekend and after hours Regretsy activities.

Contrary to popular belief, there is no Regretsy headquarters. Well, there is, but it’s my couch. There is also no staff, unless you count the dogs and my fiance, Bronc Drywall (aka John Foley). John is a 3D animator and Photoshop expert who I occasionally press into service by pouting. He is responsible for many of the Photoshops you see on these pages.

It may not look like it, but this site is actually a lot of work for one person, particularly if that one person is an idiot. So when the weekend comes around, I really need a day off. Only one day, because even though I don’t post on Sunday, I’m already back to work on next week’s posts.

However, I recognize that some of you are addicted, and to be candid, I am addicted to you. That’s why I’m posting this on Sunday. I CAN’T QUIT YOU.

So on the weekends and the evenings, I head over to our Facebook fan page, which is about the most fun you can have online without a web cam. We are rapidly approaching 50,000 fans over there, and many of those people are incredibly funny. Some of them even intentionally.

It’s pretty much the cage match version of Regretsy, and it’s not for the timid. I think of it as 4 Chan with knitting needles. That being said, it’s not your typical “FIRST”, “GAY” and “RETARDED” board. The people there are remarkably intelligent and argue pretty deftly. Even the smackdowns are a thing of beauty.

And to make it all even more magical, fantastic prizes are awarded to every 5,000th fan (here’s what Mr. 40,000 got). In fact, the 40,000th fan was so beloved, that a spontaneous fan page started up for him, and he now has an Etsy and Zazzle store. Go figure.

Now, I’m not promising that you will become a superstar like Yngve Fijermestad. But if you happen to be fan 50,000, there may be an epic prize in your future.

And once you receive it in the mail, we’ll be back to 49,999.

Two handmade messenger bags by the delicious Go Baggery on Etsy are now up for auction on Ebay, and both are stuffed to the brim with high quality shit that you simply must have!

AUCTION ONE:

Auction starts at $20.00 with NO RESERVE
Click image to go to the Ebay listing

WHAT YOU GET:

This is a handmade bag in the Atomic Elephant fabric, designed for our Regretsy Spoonflower fabric contest earlier this year.

The bag is crammed full of shit from Comic Con, as well as many other other pieces of delightful fuckery. There is a fantastic photo of Malcom McDowell in A Clockwork Orange, which he personally autographed for me at Comic Con, as well as a signed cast photo from What’s Happening.

And you also get a signed Regretsy book, as well as an embroidered pantyliner bookmark from Regretsy superstar HiBird. See the auction listing for full info.

WHO DOES THIS AUCTION BENEFIT?

This auction benefits Stephanie, of Rainbow Darkness Studios (her Etsy shop is here).

Stephanie is hearing impaired, and is having a very difficult time getting her hearing aids repaired. She initially just asked if we could give her store a shout out, but I thought we could do better.

If the bag becomes too expensive or it isn’t something you want to bid on, please consider taking a look at Stephanie’s shop, and seeing if there’s something there you might be interested in buying. Her items are all very reasonably priced.

____________________________________________

AUCTION TWO:

Auction starts at $20.00 with NO RESERVE
Click image to go to the Ebay listing

WHAT YOU GET:

This is a handmade bag in the Dingleberry fabric, designed for our Regretsy Spoonflower fabric contest earlier this year.

The bag is filled with awesome creations by Regretsy featured artists (like Denny Pinkham) and Regretsy regulars. There are all kinds of things in here, from jewelry to handmade soap, as well as many other other articles or fabulousness.

There is also a signed Regretsy book inside, as well as an embroidered pantyliner bookmark from Regretsy superstar HiBird. See the auction listing for full info.

WHO DOES THIS AUCTION BENEFIT?

Proceeds for this auction benefit Veronica of Ronnie’s Tender Heart (her Etsy shop is here).

Veronica is only 22 years old, but she’s battling leukemia for the third time. Her friends have started an Etsy store, hoping to sell enough bracelets to help cover the portion of her medical bills not covered by her insurance. Veronica is currently in the ICU, battling pneumonia.

Veronica must be a very special person. She is deeply loved by many people, who are all exhausting themselves to cover as many of these bills as possible.

If the bag becomes too expensive or it isn’t something you want to bid on, please consider taking a look at Ronnie’s shop, and seeing if there’s a bracelet you might be interested in buying. Nothing there is over $10.

If you’d rather just make a donation, you can visit the blog her friends are running to keep everyone updated on Ronnie’s progress. There’s a Paypal donation link there.

If you can’t bid on either or don’t see anything you’d like to buy, please favorite the sellers who have contributed to these auctions, and consider them for your next purchase. They have been very generous with their time and talents.

Happy bidding, and thank you for your generous assistance of Etsy sellers in need.

What are you doing tonight, say 6:00 PM PST? Besides washing down Ding Dongs with vodka?

I’ll tell you what you’re doing, you’re checking out Regretsy’s fantastic Ebay charity auctions!

Yes, from time to time, Regretsy auctions off spectacular goods donated by Regretsy artists and fans. Whether it’s handmade jewelry, terrifying dolls or pants-wetting artwork, we make a big deal out of it until you buy it, and then we can all go back to drinking ourselves to death.

Sound fun? You bet it is! And tonight is no exception!

We have two mind numbing lots of awesome up for grabs tonight, and the proceeds will benefit two very special people who need a little help. So come back here at 6:00 or check our Ebay page, and see what kind of fuckery we have for you this time.

And while we’re on the subject of awesomeschmaltz, Regretsy has reached a milestone: We have now raised over $10,000 for charity! That’s an average of about $1000 a month!

In addition to Ebay auctions, we raise money by donating book royalties. If you buy the Regretsy book from the Amazon link on the left, my royalties are donated to charity, and Amazon throws in another 5%.

We also raise money from Zazzle merchandise sales. All proceeds from our extensive and horrific Zazzle store are donated to charity.

So take a look at the crap we’ve stuffed in our store, and if you see anything you like, just buy it and stop being such a pussy.

See you at 6:00!

By now you may have noticed that shiny new navigation bar on top of the page.

Regretsy has officially joined forces with PEOPLE OF WALMART and Lamebook, making us the three most important sites in the universe.

Except possibly for this one.

WELCOME NEW BASTARDS

Ever since I saw this ad and bought the ring, I’ve had Goatse* on the brain. And once you’re swallowed up by Goatse, you just can’t crawl out. Even with both hands.

Apparently I’m not alone.

Subject: Goetze candy
Date: August 10, 2010 8:28:41 PM PDT
From: D.T.

I see Goetze candies for sale in my local Rite Aid. They’re very tasty, actually. They’re also featured in the Vermont Country Store catalog, which sells nightgowns and vibrators to old people.

Goetze Candy. Have two words ever gone together more perfectly? I mean sure, “Goetze” is probably not pronounced “Goatse”, so maybe it’s a bit of a stretch. But it’s close enough, as far as I’m concerned. At least close enough to merit a little trip to the Goetze Candy web site.

I don’t really know what I was expecting. But I know it wasn’t this.

Incredible, isn’t it? All he’s missing is the wedding ring. Either the people at Goetze Candy have a fantastic sense of humor, or their web designer is about to get fired.

And speaking of assholes…

According to my analytics, I have a lot of readers in Seattle. So I decided to go up there this weekend to see what the hell you people do all day, besides drink coffee and talk about sustainable eco friendly composting.

If you’re around on Saturday afternoon, come to Elliott’s and say hello. I’ll be doing a special slide show, answering your questions and signing books. Anyone’s book, not just mine, I’ll sign anything, I don’t care. I’m already there and I have a pen, so let’s not stand on ceremony.

*If you’re one of the two remaining people who don’t know what Goatse is, this entry in the Urban Dictionary should fill the gaping hole in your knowledge.