Elayne Boosler, extraordinary stand-up comic, animal advocate and all-around ass kicking babe, is shown here modeling a purse that was lovingly handmade by Esty artisan Lucia Morris out of Regretsy fabric.

And not just any fabric, but the Spoonflower Dingleberry pattern by “Pantsmonkey”.

I know!

This beautifully made, fully lined bag features leather straps, metal feet and lots of nice little pocket type things inside, to make storing your crap even more glamorous than it already is!

But hang on, because there’s more.  A pantload more.

What would a designer bag be without a tangle of charms on it?  You know what I’m talking about; that whole Juicy-Moschino-furball-dangly-key chain-fuckery that all the kids are doing these days.  Well I’ll tell you what  kind of designer bag it would be; a piss poor one.

So this bag comes with a delightful assortment of charms by all your favorite Regretsy artistes:

Stamped brass “HELEN KILLER” disc on black chain with ruby bead by So Charmed
Framed SH*T horse, gumball clown head and Say What charms by Sofa City Sweethearts
Silver frames for Sofa City’s charms donated by Bunny Sundries
Penis Obsession charm in polymer clay by the one and only Cappy Sue
Painfully adorable mini plush Chickenpants key chain in Dingleberry pants by Absolutely Small

And that’s not all!

This purse is actually filled with amazing and delightful treats like:

Regretsy jewelry
Mini pillows
Bath and beauty products
Assorted toys
Crap from my junk drawer
A “Tails of Joy” necklace and bracelet
And a signed copy of the Regretsy book!

Oh my God. It’s more than I can fathom. A giant, collaborative clusterfuck, making you about the most stylish idiot on the block.

And the best part?

Every stinking dime goes to Elayne Boosler’s Tails of Joy, a not-for-profit (501c3) organization dedicated to making the world better for animals and their people. Tails of Joy raises funds for the smallest, neediest rescues all across the country, and works for the passing and enforcing of anti-cruelty, and animal welfare laws.

If I live to be 100, I will never do anything more satisfying than this auction. Unless I happen to get that guest shot on Hoarders.

CLICK HERE TO BID ON THE AWESOMENESS AND SEE THE CHARMS UP CLOSE

UPDATE: If you would like to make a donation to Tails of Joy, Paypal your gift to INFO@TAILSOFJOY.NET

Have you been featured on Regretsy and live in the Boston area?

If so, you might be on TV!

Let me know as soon as possible!

I had some minor stomach surgery on Friday, but when they got me up on the rack they found something else that was shot to hell. So I got two surgeries at once, which was pretty exciting.

Then yesterday I had some complications and had to go back to the hospital, but they fixed me up pretty quickly and I didn’t have to stay overnight.

So now it’s just Law and Order and painkillers, just like every other Sunday.

Thanks for all your nice emails. Regretsy will be back to its usual lowbrow fuckery tomorrow.

By popular demand, we have added some new Namaste, Bitches! merchandise to our Zazzle store*!

Namaste, Bitches! Mug
Namaste, Bitches! T-Shirt
Namaste, Bitches! Mousepad
Namaste, Bitches! Magnet

I have to say, I think Bronc did a fine job on these. He even put “Namaste, Bitches” in Sanskrit in the background design!

And if that doesn’t get your Apana going, well you don’t know your Krikala from your Dhananjaya.

And for your listening pleasure, here are some Abba covers in Hindi.

Toba Toba (Mama Mia)

Mitha Maze Dar (Dancing Queen)

Ho Jayegi Badnami (Money, Money, Money)

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*All proceeds from Zazzle merchandise benefit the Regretsy Alchemy Fund. The Regretsy Alchemy Fund hires Etsy artists to create handmade products for various charities.

CAUTION: IF YOU DON’T WANT YOUR FAITH IN MANKIND RESTORED, PLEASE SKIP THIS POST.

For the first time, The Regretsy Alchemy Fund has two charity projects in the works at once:

PROJECT LINUS

Project Linus is an organization that solicits handmade blankets for seriously ill and traumatized children. I’ve heard from some parents who cherish these blankets, given to their kids when they were born prematurely or spent time in the hospital. It’s a nice charity, despite the horse shit we’ve put up with from a certain Facebook hag who will go unnamed (TAMMY).

Our blankets are being made by Julia, who’s doing a great job. Even though she’s making 50 of them, she’s taking the time to make each one special, because people really hold on to them forever.

I also want to thank Nikki, who designed and donated 350 labels for us to sew into these and future projects. They look wonderful, and by donating them to us, it freed up $100 that we were able to put toward our second project:

KNITTED KNOCKERS

Knitted Knockers is a charity knit program that provides free knitted prosthetic breasts to breast cancer survivors. Many women can’t afford prosthetics, or they have a reaction to the silicone, or it’s too soon after surgery to be fitted for a traditional prosthetic breast. For these reasons and many others, a soft, knitted breast is a comfort, and a wonderful thing to have.

When I put the job up for bidding on Etsy, I was flooded with offers from a lot of great people. I decided to raise the budget, and split this job between two knitters.

The first knitter is Kristal, who has been knitting for 15 years, and whose grandmother, a breast cancer survivor, uses these knitted prosthetics.

Kristal uses a lot of humor in her work, and I really think that’s about the greatest tool you have when you’re fighting cancer. So I’m happy to report that Kristal will be making some “tattooed” breasts, as well a few with pierced nipples, and maybe even a smiley face.

The second knitter is Becca, who has store called Knitting Wounded. Becca is a 27 year old breast cancer survivor who had her right breast and over 30 lymph nodes taken out. “I am much better now,” says Becca, who started reconstruction in December. “Now I have a boob and a third!”

Not only does Becca use these knitted prosthetics herself, she organized a Knit Tit Along, and donated a box of Knit Tits to her oncologist’s patient pool.

I am super excited about this project. I commit to making at least 50 hand-knit breasts out of Rowan Calmer. This yarn is soft, hypo-allergenic, and machine washable. It’s my favorite yarn for my own prosthetics. I also have a huge variety of vintage buttons (bought on Etsy) that I use for nipples.

We really couldn’t have two better people to do this, and I want to thank them both for taking this on.

And I also want to thank all of you for buying from our Zazzle store, because its the T-shirts and mugs and other shoddy fuckery that fund things like this.

Now let’s knock off all this touchy feely crap and start making fun of shit.

I am absolutely LOVING the MSNBC story today about Fail blogs, which includes this page about Regretsy.