BOOK SIGNING AT BORDERS

Holy hell. The book is here.

I got a copy in the mail from Random House and I have to say, I think it looks great. There are over 50 sellers featured, and there’s a comprehensive, indexed seller’s guide in the back of the book so you can find them.

The art inside the book is done by Etsy artists, and it’s fantastic. There are 7 or 8 full-bleed pages of chapter artwork, done by such Regretsy greats as Chickenpants and the fantastic Denny “Say What” Pinkham.

And now it’s confirmed: I’m going to be reading from the book and signing your copies on April 6th at Borders in Glendale! It’s amazing, isn’t it? I’m reading out loud and writing my name, just like normal people!

So I’d like to invite anyone featured in the book to come down to Borders on April 6th at 7:00 PM and sign books with me! And if you’ve been featured on Regretsy and want to come down, I would love to see you. Bring your business cards and we’ll leave them on the table so everyone can grab them.

Yes, it’s all terribly exciting. But here’s where it gets really good.

The first 50 people to get their book signed will get a free embroidered panty liner bookmark by HiBird, maker of the now world famous embroidered toilet paper.

You’re not going to get that kind of action from Jackie Collins!

Borders Books
100 S. Brand Blvd.
Glendale, CA 91204
Phone: 818.241.8099

Hope to see you there!

EBAY AUCTION ENDS TOMORROW

As you know, we’re auctioning off a gorgeous handmade designer Regretsy bag on Ebay. The bag comes with a collection of handmade purse charms by Regretsy artists, and it’s filled with amazing things like jewelry, toys, beauty products and an autographed copy of the Regretsy book.

The proceeds from the auction will benefit Elayne Boosler’s Tails of Joy (that’s Elayne modeling the bag).

The auction ends tomorrow, and I’m really excited about how well we’re doing with it. Between the money that we’ve already raised from Zazzle, and the bids on the bag, we’re going to exceed $1000, which is a really impressive contribution to a great cause.

If you want to bid on the bag, there’s still time. If it’s already more than you want to spend, watch it close with us tomorrow and see how high it goes!

And finally . . .

You know, we get a lot of feedback over here.

Between Facebook and Twitter and your comments and emails, we hear plenty out of you people. And surprisingly, very little of it is irritating.

But there are two things we can count on hearing every day.

First, we’ll get at least three emails about the “Rear Gear” stickers you’re supposed to put over your dog’s ass. That never gets old.

And second, someone will tell us a post “doesn’t belong on Regretsy.” It’s not quite as fun as the picture of the girl posing next to a dog’s asshole, but it’s really close.

So close in fact, that Bronc made us some “This doesn’t belong on Regretsy” merchandise for your shopping pleasure!

This doesn’t belong on Regretsy Magnet
This doesn’t belong on Regretsy Mousepad
This doesn’t belong on Regretsy T-Shirt
This doesn’t belong on Regretsy Mug

So go on! Buy yourself a handsome This doesn’t belong on Regretsy T-shirt on Zazzle today! And when you get it in the mail, put it on and take a picture of you wearing it, giving a thumbs up and smiling next to your dog’s asshole.

The first person to send me a picture like that will get an autographed copy of the Regretsy book and a picture of my dog’s ass.

As always, all proceeds from Zazzle merchandise go into the Regretsy Alchemy Fund. The fund is used to support various charities, and in some cases, benefit Etsy sellers in need.

Ebay has pulled the Regretsy purse because of the penis charm. Seriously.

Materials that are adult in nature or otherwise not appropriate for minors (individuals under 18 years of age) may only be listed in our Mature Audiences area. Please keep in mind that you are not permitted to censor listing images to make them more appropriate. You may relist this item under the Adults Only category.

So you know, I thought I was being extra cautious by blurring the thing, and if I had just left it alone, nothing would have happened.

I have relisted the bag, and just taken the penis out altogether with Photoshoppery. I’ve learned from experience that putting crap in the adult category means zero bids. And I really want this to be successful. I mean poor Elayne came over here and posed with the bag and had to wash her hair and everything.

Anyway, It was over $300 last night. I’m hoping you people get back in the game and we don’t lose momentum. It’s a good cause and the most ass kicking bag imaginable.

So, let’s try this again.

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Elayne Boosler, extraordinary stand-up comic, animal advocate and all-around ass kicking babe, is shown here modeling a purse that was lovingly handmade by Esty artisan Lucia Morris out of Regretsy fabric.

And not just any fabric, but the Spoonflower Dingleberry pattern by “Pantsmonkey”.

I know!

This beautifully made, fully lined bag features leather straps, metal feet and lots of nice little pocket type things inside, to make storing your crap even more glamorous than it already is!

But hang on, because there’s more.  A pantload more.

What would a designer bag be without a tangle of charms on it?  You know what I’m talking about; that whole Juicy-Moschino-furball-dangly-key chain-fuckery that all the kids are doing these days.  Well I’ll tell you what  kind of designer bag it would be; a piss poor one.

So this bag comes with a delightful assortment of charms by all your favorite Regretsy artistes:

Stamped brass “HELEN KILLER” disc on black chain with ruby bead by So Charmed
Framed SH*T horse, gumball clown head and Say What charms by Sofa City Sweethearts
Silver frames for Sofa City’s charms donated by Bunny Sundries
Penis Obsession charm in polymer clay by the one and only Cappy Sue
Painfully adorable mini plush Chickenpants key chain in Dingleberry pants by Absolutely Small

And that’s not all!

This purse is actually filled with amazing and delightful treats like:

Regretsy jewelry
Mini pillows
Bath and beauty products
Assorted toys
Crap from my junk drawer
A “Tails of Joy” necklace and bracelet
And a signed copy of the Regretsy book!

Oh my God. It’s more than I can fathom. A giant, collaborative clusterfuck, making you about the most stylish idiot on the block.

And the best part?

Every stinking dime goes to Elayne Boosler’s Tails of Joy, a not-for-profit (501c3) organization dedicated to making the world better for animals and their people. Tails of Joy raises funds for the smallest, neediest rescues all across the country, and works for the passing and enforcing of anti-cruelty, and animal welfare laws.

If I live to be 100, I will never do anything more satisfying than this auction. Unless I happen to get that guest shot on Hoarders.

CLICK HERE TO BID ON THE AWESOMENESS AND SEE ALL BUT ONE OF THESE CHARMS UP CLOSE!

UPDATE: If you would like to make a donation to Tails of Joy, Paypal your gift to INFO@TAILSOFJOY.NET

Elayne Boosler, extraordinary stand-up comic, animal advocate and all-around ass kicking babe, is shown here modeling a purse that was lovingly handmade by Esty artisan Lucia Morris out of Regretsy fabric.

And not just any fabric, but the Spoonflower Dingleberry pattern by “Pantsmonkey”.

I know!

This beautifully made, fully lined bag features leather straps, metal feet and lots of nice little pocket type things inside, to make storing your crap even more glamorous than it already is!

But hang on, because there’s more.  A pantload more.

What would a designer bag be without a tangle of charms on it?  You know what I’m talking about; that whole Juicy-Moschino-furball-dangly-key chain-fuckery that all the kids are doing these days.  Well I’ll tell you what  kind of designer bag it would be; a piss poor one.

So this bag comes with a delightful assortment of charms by all your favorite Regretsy artistes:

Stamped brass “HELEN KILLER” disc on black chain with ruby bead by So Charmed
Framed SH*T horse, gumball clown head and Say What charms by Sofa City Sweethearts
Silver frames for Sofa City’s charms donated by Bunny Sundries
Penis Obsession charm in polymer clay by the one and only Cappy Sue
Painfully adorable mini plush Chickenpants key chain in Dingleberry pants by Absolutely Small

And that’s not all!

This purse is actually filled with amazing and delightful treats like:

Regretsy jewelry
Mini pillows
Bath and beauty products
Assorted toys
Crap from my junk drawer
A “Tails of Joy” necklace and bracelet
And a signed copy of the Regretsy book!

Oh my God. It’s more than I can fathom. A giant, collaborative clusterfuck, making you about the most stylish idiot on the block.

And the best part?

Every stinking dime goes to Elayne Boosler’s Tails of Joy, a not-for-profit (501c3) organization dedicated to making the world better for animals and their people. Tails of Joy raises funds for the smallest, neediest rescues all across the country, and works for the passing and enforcing of anti-cruelty, and animal welfare laws.

If I live to be 100, I will never do anything more satisfying than this auction. Unless I happen to get that guest shot on Hoarders.

CLICK HERE TO BID ON THE AWESOMENESS AND SEE THE CHARMS UP CLOSE

UPDATE: If you would like to make a donation to Tails of Joy, Paypal your gift to INFO@TAILSOFJOY.NET

Have you been featured on Regretsy and live in the Boston area?

If so, you might be on TV!

Let me know as soon as possible!

I had some minor stomach surgery on Friday, but when they got me up on the rack they found something else that was shot to hell. So I got two surgeries at once, which was pretty exciting.

Then yesterday I had some complications and had to go back to the hospital, but they fixed me up pretty quickly and I didn’t have to stay overnight.

So now it’s just Law and Order and painkillers, just like every other Sunday.

Thanks for all your nice emails. Regretsy will be back to its usual lowbrow fuckery tomorrow.

By popular demand, we have added some new Namaste, Bitches! merchandise to our Zazzle store*!

Namaste, Bitches! Mug
Namaste, Bitches! T-Shirt
Namaste, Bitches! Mousepad
Namaste, Bitches! Magnet

I have to say, I think Bronc did a fine job on these. He even put “Namaste, Bitches” in Sanskrit in the background design!

And if that doesn’t get your Apana going, well you don’t know your Krikala from your Dhananjaya.

And for your listening pleasure, here are some Abba covers in Hindi.

Toba Toba (Mama Mia)

Mitha Maze Dar (Dancing Queen)

Ho Jayegi Badnami (Money, Money, Money)

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*All proceeds from Zazzle merchandise benefit the Regretsy Alchemy Fund. The Regretsy Alchemy Fund hires Etsy artists to create handmade products for various charities.