From: Nora
Subject: Greek Fuckery

I recently went to Greece as part of a course I’m taking. We lived near some very touristy places, and there were lots of people willing to make a necklace with your name on it. I approached a guy with a special request which he agreed to after some confusion.

I proudly present the Regretsy-inspired fuckery necklace. Handmade.

I had it done after Erasmian pronunciation guidelines for Attic Greek, but it was a spur of the moment thing and I realise now that I should probably have used omega instead of the omicron-upsilon diphthong.

Oh I know, don’t you hate that? I always think of the perfect omicron-upsilon diphthong comeback on the way out of the Acropolis. – HK

From: Richard
Subject: Thought of you immediately

From: J.A.
Subject: lovely, creamy, yummy personal ad

Your excellent post the other day reminded me of this infuriatingly precious personal ad I recently read in the Chicago Reader Matches:

Handcrafted letters, bicyles and whiskey
“There’s a thing about the lawn mower I can’t even tell you, but to me it’s the most beautiful sound in the world, the freshest sound of the season, the sound of summer. I also rather fancy the following: sending letters through the post, daydreams about Newfoundland, leaning farmhouses, the way that men dressed in the photographs from the early 1900′s, beards, whiskey, summertime back porch conversations, pigeons, Africa, McSweeney’s, accordions, the Harvard comma, crosswords, ultra fine sharpies, record collections, pumpkin pie, bicycle rides, aged dictionaries, bourbon from the freezer, maps, autumn, dresses with pockets, typewriters, soup.”
messengerpigeon, 30

How far up your own ass do you have to be to think someone is going to want to date you because you like soup? And please, tell me more about what pens you use, because I am on the edge of my God damned seat over here. I tell you what, how about we go out by the leaning farmhouse and I can hit you over the head with an aged dictionary? – HK

From: Ruthie
Subject: Steampunk HQ

FYI, I found Steampunk HQ in the south island of New Zealand, in a town called Oamaru.

From: Becky
Subject: Socks That Are Just Toes

I was looking through Regretsy and I came to the realization that no one had attempted to make one of the Hottest Etsy Trends of 2011!

I could not allow this to be true, so using my trusty crochet hook and some cheap ass blue yarn a friend duped me into taking from her, I made this happen in my artistic ability.

BEHOLD! Individual Socks For Each Toe: I call them, “Individual Socks For Each Toe.”

From: A woman who I need to have a drink with
Subject: EVERY LAZY ASS SELLER HAS A WHINY STORY ABOUT HOW THEY WERE IN THE HOSPITAL OR SOME BULLSHIT

Let me just start by saying I did thirteen months in Iraq.

Mail was delivered by convoy, and those convoys got regularly attacked by insurgents, who also regularly killed postal workers. And I’m talking about mail that comes from other countries into a war zone, and then has to be delivered through attacks and ambushes. Ever see that famous picture of the DHL plane fleeing Baghdad International Airport with its wing in flames from an RPG? Yeah, that’s how bad it was.

As far as I know, it’s NOT THAT BAD HERE. You don’t see a lot of UPS trucks on the side of the road, riddled with bullets and burning out of control. So as far I’m concerned, there is no fucking excuse for something mailed within the Continental United States to take TWO WEEKS to arrive at another location in the Continental United States.

Twelve days ago, I ordered something off Etsy, and two days ago I asked for an update. Nothing. I waited until this morning, and finally opened a Paypal dispute, and that’s when I got a reply. She’s canceling the item, even though she mailed it two days after I bought it, because I was “really negative and mean,” and because she’s “leaving an abusive situation,” and her “internet has been spotty at best,” even though it suddenly it improved when she got the Paypal dispute notice. So that was a happy coincidence.

Please don’t print this unless you give me an alias. I just fucking hate everyone. I really do.

From: Clara
Subject: Greetings from Milwaukee

As I was stuck in traffic this morning with a raging headache, my drive time was instantly made brighter by this wonderful person.

I was trying to figure out how to signal him and say, “Hey! Me too! CF4L! I don’t like shit crafts either!” but I didn’t want to throw him the shocker or rear end him.

So with that being said, Milwaukee loves you and this dude is awesome.

As you know, we’ve been having some lulz over the hilarious butthurt of Dennis Waldron; the man who crapped out this staggering piece of Nine-Elevenalia.

We ran afoul of Mr. Waldron during our tribute to 9-11 TragicCrafting, when we showed a gif someone had made with his image. Even though I took it down because I have a soft spot for doddering old men who think the FBI can take away your hotmail account, Mr. Waldron was not satisfied. He insisted that I remove my own artwork featuring an eagle and the World Trade Center, because he apparently invented superimposition. And possibly eagles.

Today comes this email exchange from a reader that’s still pretty funny, but in an entirely different way:

From: S. Singh
Date: September 17, 2011 11:01:57 AM PDT
Subject: Dennis Waldron

I sent an email to Dennis Waldron; nothing profane or threatening or hurtful. Just telling him that the FBI will likely not take his claims seriously.

I was blown away when I got this response.

It’s an age old story, isn’t it?

The people who scream the loudest about the sanctity of marriage are divorced; the pastors who preach about the evils of homosexuality are getting blown by gay hustlers; and the great American with the sobbing eagle is a xenophobic gasbag who probably thinks the Jews did it.

NEVER FORGET that people are assholes

UPDATE: I didn’t see this coming. did you?

FROM: Lynn
SUBJECT: Did you know Etsy sends a LOL cat when you unsubscribe?
TO: Helen@Regretsy.com

I just went to unsubscribe from Etsy emails (I was tired of the chirping Etsy Success stories).

But then I got this:

Now I’m not sure because I don’t know if I can stand to make a cat this sad.

When I got this email, I thought it was a joke. No real multi million dollar corporation would actually send you a God damned LOL cat, would they?

Would they?

Then I got this two days later, from a completely different reader.

FROM: Tesla
SUBJECT: What happens when you try to unsubscribe from Etsy
To: Helen@regretsy.com

I don’t know if you’ve seen these, but I just about shit my pants when I tried to unsubscribe from Etsy emails. First they send you a LOLcat, and if that doesn’t work, they send you this YouTube video to guilt you into staying!

How cute is that? Way, that’s how! And that’s just the beginning!

Here are some more fun messages I’d like to see Etsy send their users:

If you have better ideas (and you usually do), leave them in the comments!

Dear Beaver Boy,