From: J. S.
Subject: EMERGENCY ASS PILLOW!
Date: February 1, 2012 5:38:29 PM PST
To: Helen@regretsy.com
Helen,
My Dad just had some horrifying ass surgery today. Okay, it’s just hemorrhoids, but still.
That said, my family tends to have a rather irreverent approach to things like this, because, well, we’re terrible people.
And being terrible people, I’m thinking that my Dad needs something to sit on. Something that will legitimately help him, but also torture and mock him at the same time.
I want to do something special for my Dad because for gifts he usually just gets the stuff he needs. But this, this is an opportunity. An opportunity for fuckery, an opportunity to help someone in pain and an opportunity to make him laugh his shredded ass off.
Can the Regretsy crew quickly whip up functional item that will soothe his ass?
I can go $100 bucks.
- J
***
Submit your sketches, comps or other ideas in the comment thread, along with a estimated time of delivery. I’ll have the letter writer choose her favorite tomorrow, and I’ll even throw in another $100 for the winner.
Your ideas must be posted by noon PST tomorrow to be eligible.
And… GO
As you know, I have had my share of issues with Paypal recently, and while I appreciate the effort they made to do the right thing in our case, I still have a lot of misgivings about them as a company.
This e-mail didn’t help.
Dear Helen Killer,
I love your site and was thrilled to hear of your “win” against PayPal. I recently had a heartbreaking experience of my own with them.
I sold an old French violin to a buyer in Canada, and the buyer disputed the label.
This is not uncommon. In the violin market, labels often mean little and there is often disagreement over them. Some of the most expensive violins in the world have disputed labels, but they are works of art nonetheless.
Rather than have the violin returned to me, PayPal made the buyer DESTROY the violin in order to get his money back. They somehow deemed the violin as “counterfeit” even though there is no such thing in the violin world.
The buyer was proud of himself, so he sent me a photo of the destroyed violin.
I am now out a violin that made it through WWII as well as $2500. This is of course, upsetting. But my main goal in writing to you is to prevent PayPal from ordering the destruction of violins and other antiquities that they know nothing about. It is beyond me why PayPal simply didn’t have the violin returned to me.
I spoke on the phone to numerous reps from PayPal who 100% defended their action and gave me the party line.
Erica
I forwarded this e-mail to my contact at Paypal several days ago. They have not replied.
UPDATE: I neglected to mention in the original post that the violin was examined and authenticated by a top luthier prior to its sale.
UPDATE 2: Thanks to sharp-eyed reader Mr. Pete, who found this paragraph in Paypal’s Terms of Service:
UPDATE 3: Paypal has advised that they are now looking into the matter.
This post first appeared on Regretsy on December 23, 2010
From Liz:
Here’s a quick rough version of a new holiday cookie – the Human Gingerbread Centipede. Seasons greetings!
From Kathryn:
This year, I decided to try my hand at making gingerbread men. The mixing and baking went smoothly, but when it came to the decorating I ran into some trouble because I started drinking right after I snipped the end off of my icing tube.
From Megan:
Regretsy has inspired me to solve a problem I’ve had. My tree was all naked and sad on top, and now it’s … well it’s something. Thanks for the help!
From Libby:
I am an American working for a company in Japan, the land where Christmas is vaguely celebrated, but where whimsicle fuckery is practically a national pastime. I spotted these at my local discount store, Don Quijote, and I have to say, they did put me in the Regretsy Christmas spirit… of wanting to gouge my eyes out and hide in a corner softly sobbing to myself.
FOLLOW UP: Libby was kind enough to send me four of these, after I begged her repeatedly and threatened to cry. Here are my friends, Sam and Woody, who came over last night and got drunk, and thought I wouldn’t post this.
And speaking of masks…
From Andrea:
From Lacey:
From Gina:
From Dick:
Hey you worthless discusting looser asshole i’d liek to send you a bag of flaming dog shit for Christmas please give me your mailing address. Happy holidays.
And finally…
From Dani:
I’d like to take a moment to appreciate the glittering parade of fuckery over the past year. Thanks to you and cheap vodka, I haven’t killed myself despite the number of sagging schlongs, putty, pocked ass cheeks, and the regrets of life choices I face on a daily basis. I was so close to becoming a prostitute, why the fuck did I go back to art school?
Love,
Some Cunt Who’s Not Even Registered
