Subject: Press release from Etsy
Date: May 9, 2012 1:40:29 PM EDT
I get tons of press releases in my work as a journalist and thought you might want to see this one. Etsy has been given some lame certification that equates it with Patagonia and Seventh Generation for its rigorous standards of transparency, accountability and performance, and most notably, a certain contribution they make to the people of Brooklyn:
Etsy has to donate their compost. They’re completely full of shit.
Date: Sun, May 6, 2012 at 4:39 PM
Subject: Etsy Front Page
The attached picture is from today’s front page:
See that dress in the upper left hand corner? The one that SOLD today after being featured on Etsy’s front page?
Here it is again.
And also here.
To be fair, there are currently 900 billion listings on Etsy right now, most of them for Hunger Games merchandise. It’s nearly impossible for a small team of people to comb through every listing for infractions, particularly when they’re riding their loaner bikes around the office and swapping vegan risotto recipes.
Subject: I FOUND SOME VINTAGE BUTTPLUGS AND NOW I’M CURIOUS
Date: May 6, 2012 2:38:29 PM EDT
My mother dropped off several boxes of what she thought were things from my old bedroom. While going through them, I noticed a small box that didn’t look familiar. I opened it and there were four black buttplugs, in graduated sizes and made out of what seems to be bakelite. The label on the inside reads “Young’s Improved Rectal Dilators”. They were only available by prescription.
“Avoid use of excessive force in the introduction of the instrument.”
If you’ll look closely, you can see water marks outlining each plug – meaning that at some point, someone in my family was doing some plugging.
I forward this to you because I think you’ll be as amused as I have been, and I’m hoping that maybe you’ll know of some weird bastard who can tell me more about these things. Surely there’s some sick fuck out there who likes used old buttplugs.
Oh, I’m sure there is, and they’re probably reading this right now.
If you know a thing or two about old buttplugs, and we don’t mean this, leave your information in the comments.
And make an offer while you’re at it. We have a feeling these things are going cheap.
A few weeks ago, a reader named Shannon asked me to find an artist to draw a zombie Colonel Sanders and characters from McDonaldland. It was to be a surprise for her husband, who for reasons known only to him, actually wanted something like this.
When you need something this special, call on the Fat Jealous Losers of Regretsy. We’re not here to judge you, we’re here to make your dreams come true.
Actually, we are here to judge you, but let’s not split hairs.
The point is, we had a contest. We received over 100 submissions, and you chose Regretsy regular Brian J. Smith from the finalists. Brian delivered his bleak vision of the Zombie Fast Food Apocalypse to Shannon this week, and it was a big hit.
We are both really, really happy with the way the piece turned out. I told my husband the whole story about Regretsy and the undead Sophie’s Choice situation and the voting and he couldn’t stop smiling. He looked through the gallery of submissions this weekend, and he wants everyone to know that he loves their work and he can’t believe that many people would take the time to sketch or paint this ridiculousness and that it was all for him.
Here are some pictures of him and the framed final product. Once again, you fat jealous losers have made someone feel good, you bastards.
Want your own print of the Zombie Fast Food Apocalypse? Visit Brian J. Smith’s WePay store
Subject: I bought the squirrel
Date: March 19, 2012 3:22:41 PM PDT
And of course I keep it in the kitchen.
Also, his wing wang is erect. A bonus I wasn’t expecting.
- See the original squirrel post here