- This post first appeared on Regretsy in October, 2011

Last week, I posted the following request from a Regretsy reader:

From: Lulubelly
Subject: SailorTrouble

My friend’s birthday is in mid-November and I need some assistance with my gift plan.

Years ago we “invented” a game we call SailorTrouble. It involves drinking (naturally) and playing this game — with the added stipulation that every time you hit the Pop-O-Matic dice roller you must swear like a drunken sailor. It’s not as much fun as the sailor trouble we got up to when we were young, but it keeps us from wandering away from the house while the children are sleeping.

I found a portable version of the Trouble game, and I want to make a SailorTrouble rule booklet that includes several pages of swear words. Do you think you could enlist your cabal of cunt flapping snot floggers to assist with this fuckery?

I am sincerely your devoted goat blower,

Lulubelly

If there’s two things I love, it’s creative profanity and birthday presents. And the very idea that some crap-cradling suckpuppet figured out how to blend the two into a big fuck-filled tiramisu… well, it made me piss my Underoos like a shit-flinging wank monkey.

So I asked you to post your most imaginative cursing into the comments, and we’d allow Lulubelly to help herself.

Well you certainly came through. 1,170 comments worth, to be exact, each more disturbing than the last. But then, this is what happens when you have such a vast readership of chunder huffing colon spankers.

Lulubelley has compiled her favorites into a booklet, which she’s made available to our readers as a pdf. She’s carefully arranged your spew into such categories as Family Fun Night, International House of Profanity and Swearing like Shakespeare.

For all you dolphin-fondling bream reamers not up for the effort, I have made smaller pages for your review. Click the images to see a bigger version and leave a comment.

Keep pumping that sponge, seasquirt!

- Download the booklet cover pdf here
- Download the booket pdf here

From: Beeby
Subject: Cuban gynecologist used car salesman commercial
Date: Friday, August 3, 2012 5:03 AM
To: Helen@Regretsy.com

This is 20 minutes from my house.

I’m begging you to come to North Carolina. I swear to God, it’s worth the trip.

This came through my facebook feed and seemed relevant to your interests.

- Stacy

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Dear Helen,

I happened to spot this at a local flea market. I know your love of creepy Star Trek items so I thought this painting might interest you. Cheers!

Candice

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April,

I can’t thank you enough for this post. Please see that attached photo of the portrait painted by Ruth Marcus and my cat, Inca. Where would society be without art of this caliber?

Cheers!
Amber

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Hi April,

I saw your posting of the lady making custom pet portraits with celebrities of your choice and I couldn’t get my credit card out fast enough.

This is Sebastian posing with Barbra Streisand:

These are my bunnies being lovingly cradled by Whoopi:

The pets are all thrilled with their hand drawn likenesses, and are celebrating by eating the same flavorless kibble they’ve been eating all their lives.

Cathy

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Dear Miss. Killer,

I saw the attached error page on a wholesale dress website. I’ve attached a screenshot for your enjoyment.

I thought it was deliciously ironic that one of the very sites which may be supplying the Etsy reseller pandemic saw fit to rip off one of their images and give them no credit. It made my cynical day.

Much love

xxx

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I actually liked the pair of turd earrings you posted the other day. But after several attempts to access Etsy’s check out I gave up.

I’m usually a very patient person but when I want to make a spontaneous purchase and Etsy keeps trying to make Facebook do things in order for it to happen… well, you can see the result in the photo I attached.

Thanks for listening. Or not. Whatever.

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Hi April,

I know how much you love Brace from Gigolos, so I thought of you when I found the attached image.

It’s an action figure of Dr Claw from the old Inspector Gadget cartoon and I thought it looked like Brace. Like…a lot.

Jessica

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Dear Helen,

I am a long time fan of your site and have read your posts about Showtime’s Gigolos. Interestingly, I had the pleasure of going through junior and senior high school with none other than “Vin,” who grew up here in the crappy 909 right along with me (see attached on the badly scanned 1991 7th grade Jr. High yearbook picture).

Keep on you jealous fat loser!

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So I hired the viking hat lady to make me something.

ooohhh yeahhh

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I really want to show you the new bumpersticker on my Winnebago.

- Tressie

Namaste Bitches bumperstickers and other useless crapola now available in our Zazzle store – HK

Helen,

My Petja Palooza Swag bag arrived today, and exceeded all my expectations.

My Mother happened to be over, so of course I had her model my favorite item. Then we had a fist fight over who gets to keep it.

Handcut Petja Beard by Naffrodisia • Sex toys and discount code from Extreme Restraints

I’m off to update my Match.com profile with information of my newly acquired cock ring and 20% off coupon for sex toys. Wish me luck!

Forever yours in fuckery,

Heather

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Helen,

I got my new license plates today, bitchez!

- Cheryl

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Dear Helen,

I purchased the Lil Wayne Knobs and I am SOOOOO excited!

We live just outside of New Orleans, so Lil Weezy is kind of a big deal around here. And we have just remodeled our kitchen in a french country style – very traditional. I thought they would look PERFECT on a few cabinet doors in our kitchen.

I was right!

Now my kitchen is the most gangsta kitchen ever… except Lil Wayne’s kitchen, cause he’s in it.

Much Love and Fuckery,

Angel

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Dear Helen,

I saw this on eBay, and I thought of you.

When applying for a job with Vegans, make sure to wear your wool suit jacket!

- Brian

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Helen,

When you featured me for the CF4L Octopi, I sent my parents the link. They were proud of me, since I haven’t accomplished much in life.

I made $500 that week, which was just enough to bring my parents up for a tiny wedding ceremony (and send their asses back to Florida).

As a thank you, I wanted to send you something special. We’ve always said my father resembles Robert DeNiro with a bad haircut, so here’s a picture of him, the night before my wedding, in my stilettos, pinching his nipples.

- Donna the Dead

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Dear Helen,

Today’s post reminded me of this piece of artwork hanging in the halls of a local Catholic College. It is a life-sized Jesus made entirely out of yarn, stuffed with straw (I think) and nailed to a large wooden cross.

I assure you, It’s much more horrific in person. I didn’t want the nuns getting upset so I wasn’t able to pose my kids in front of it, but it’s gigantic, with Jesus maybe being 6 feet tall not counting the arms or cross.

Cheers!

-Nikki (Keeping the God in OMFG)

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Hi April,

It looks like Etsy has added more keywords in response to customer demands. Thought you’d get a dainty lady-boner out of the first one.

CF4L,

Cybele

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Hi Helen,

I know Christmas is over and everything, but I just got around to eating my Russell Stover Caramel Santa, and I was hoping you could help me understand what part of him I got exactly.

Thanks,

Jenny

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Hey, thanks for the great suggestion, gmail.

- Lindsay