From: Apocalypse Vintage
Subject: Response
Date: February 8, 2012 1:31:42 PM PST
To: Helen@regretsy.com

Hello there,

I just found out that you covered a photo/piece from our shop in September.

That was actually a totally professional photo shoot with professional models, photographer, hair sylists, makeup artist and photographer. Spent an incredible amount of money to make happen. It’s definitely very “on the edge” and I’m sure there’s going to be plenty of people that don’t like it, but there are a lot of people who find it totally breathtaking.

I attached a couple more photos from the shoot. Our website is down at the moment but once it’s back up I can refer you to the full sets from that and our other shoot, of which I’m also attaching a photo.

I thought that what you wrote was totally rude and that your taste is obviously very limited.

Alix
Apocalypse Vintage

Dear Alix,

Let me offer my sincerest apologies to you.

I had no idea you spent money on that photo shoot.

Totally yours,

Helen

From: J. S.
Subject: EMERGENCY ASS PILLOW!
Date: February 1, 2012 5:38:29 PM PST
To: Helen@regretsy.com

- J

***

Submit your sketches, comps or other ideas in the comment thread, along with a estimated time of delivery. I’ll have the letter writer choose her favorite tomorrow, and I’ll even throw in another $100 for the winner.

Your ideas must be posted by noon PST tomorrow to be eligible.

And… GO

As you know, I have had my share of issues with Paypal recently, and while I appreciate the effort they made to do the right thing in our case, I still have a lot of misgivings about them as a company.
This e-mail didn’t help.

Dear Helen Killer,

I love your site and was thrilled to hear of your “win” against PayPal. I recently had a heartbreaking experience of my own with them.

I sold an old French violin to a buyer in Canada, and the buyer disputed the label.

This is not uncommon. In the violin market, labels often mean little and there is often disagreement over them. Some of the most expensive violins in the world have disputed labels, but they are works of art nonetheless.

Rather than have the violin returned to me, PayPal made the buyer DESTROY the violin in order to get his money back. They somehow deemed the violin as “counterfeit” even though there is no such thing in the violin world.

The buyer was proud of himself, so he sent me a photo of the destroyed violin.

I am now out a violin that made it through WWII as well as $2500. This is of course, upsetting. But my main goal in writing to you is to prevent PayPal from ordering the destruction of violins and other antiquities that they know nothing about. It is beyond me why PayPal simply didn’t have the violin returned to me.

I spoke on the phone to numerous reps from PayPal who 100% defended their action and gave me the party line.

Erica

I forwarded this e-mail to my contact at Paypal several days ago. They have not replied.

UPDATE: I neglected to mention in the original post that the violin was examined and authenticated by a top luthier prior to its sale.

UPDATE 2: Thanks to sharp-eyed reader Mr. Pete, who found this paragraph in Paypal’s Terms of Service:

UPDATE 3: Paypal has advised that they are now looking into the matter.

From Liz:

Here’s a quick rough version of a new holiday cookie – the Human Gingerbread Centipede. Seasons greetings!

From Kathryn:

This year, I decided to try my hand at making gingerbread men. The mixing and baking went smoothly, but when it came to the decorating I ran into some trouble because I started drinking right after I snipped the end off of my icing tube.

From Megan:

Regretsy has inspired me to solve a problem I’ve had. My tree was all naked and sad on top, and now it’s … well it’s something. Thanks for the help!

From Libby:

I am an American working for a company in Japan, the land where Christmas is vaguely celebrated, but where whimsicle fuckery is practically a national pastime. I spotted these at my local discount store, Don Quijote, and I have to say, they did put me in the Regretsy Christmas spirit… of wanting to gouge my eyes out and hide in a corner softly sobbing to myself.

FOLLOW UP: Libby was kind enough to send me four of these, after I begged her repeatedly and threatened to cry. Here are my friends, Sam and Woody, who came over last night and got drunk, and thought I wouldn’t post this.

And speaking of masks…

From Andrea:

From Lacey:

From Gina:

From Dick:

Hey you worthless discusting looser asshole i’d liek to send you a bag of flaming dog shit for Christmas please give me your mailing address. Happy holidays.

And finally…

From Dani:

I’d like to take a moment to appreciate the glittering parade of fuckery over the past year. Thanks to you and cheap vodka, I haven’t killed myself despite the number of sagging schlongs, putty, pocked ass cheeks, and the regrets of life choices I face on a daily basis. I was so close to becoming a prostitute, why the fuck did I go back to art school?

Love,
Some Cunt Who’s Not Even Registered

Hi April -

My husband and I photoshopped this card for a friend and I thought maybe you’d like it also. I know you’ve got a thing for the Human Centipede.

I was thinking folks could just right click and use it for a last minute holiday card.

You don’t have to credit us. In fact it’s probably best that you don’t.

Hi April,

Merry Holidays. I wanted to show you a cake we just did for the husband of one of my employees.

Ann
Pinwheel Bakery

Hi April,

I made this to thank you for who you are and all you do. May you and Bronc have a wonderful Holiday and a Happy New Year!

March Hare

From: Nora
Subject: Greek Fuckery

I recently went to Greece as part of a course I’m taking. We lived near some very touristy places, and there were lots of people willing to make a necklace with your name on it. I approached a guy with a special request which he agreed to after some confusion.

I proudly present the Regretsy-inspired fuckery necklace. Handmade.

I had it done after Erasmian pronunciation guidelines for Attic Greek, but it was a spur of the moment thing and I realise now that I should probably have used omega instead of the omicron-upsilon diphthong.

Oh I know, don’t you hate that? I always think of the perfect omicron-upsilon diphthong comeback on the way out of the Acropolis. – HK

From: Richard
Subject: Thought of you immediately

From: J.A.
Subject: lovely, creamy, yummy personal ad

Your excellent post the other day reminded me of this infuriatingly precious personal ad I recently read in the Chicago Reader Matches:

Handcrafted letters, bicyles and whiskey
“There’s a thing about the lawn mower I can’t even tell you, but to me it’s the most beautiful sound in the world, the freshest sound of the season, the sound of summer. I also rather fancy the following: sending letters through the post, daydreams about Newfoundland, leaning farmhouses, the way that men dressed in the photographs from the early 1900′s, beards, whiskey, summertime back porch conversations, pigeons, Africa, McSweeney’s, accordions, the Harvard comma, crosswords, ultra fine sharpies, record collections, pumpkin pie, bicycle rides, aged dictionaries, bourbon from the freezer, maps, autumn, dresses with pockets, typewriters, soup.”
messengerpigeon, 30

How far up your own ass do you have to be to think someone is going to want to date you because you like soup? And please, tell me more about what pens you use, because I am on the edge of my God damned seat over here. I tell you what, how about we go out by the leaning farmhouse and I can hit you over the head with an aged dictionary? – HK

From: Ruthie
Subject: Steampunk HQ

FYI, I found Steampunk HQ in the south island of New Zealand, in a town called Oamaru.

From: Becky
Subject: Socks That Are Just Toes

I was looking through Regretsy and I came to the realization that no one had attempted to make one of the Hottest Etsy Trends of 2011!

I could not allow this to be true, so using my trusty crochet hook and some cheap ass blue yarn a friend duped me into taking from her, I made this happen in my artistic ability.

BEHOLD! Individual Socks For Each Toe: I call them, “Individual Socks For Each Toe.”

From: A woman who I need to have a drink with
Subject: EVERY LAZY ASS SELLER HAS A WHINY STORY ABOUT HOW THEY WERE IN THE HOSPITAL OR SOME BULLSHIT

Let me just start by saying I did thirteen months in Iraq.

Mail was delivered by convoy, and those convoys got regularly attacked by insurgents, who also regularly killed postal workers. And I’m talking about mail that comes from other countries into a war zone, and then has to be delivered through attacks and ambushes. Ever see that famous picture of the DHL plane fleeing Baghdad International Airport with its wing in flames from an RPG? Yeah, that’s how bad it was.

As far as I know, it’s NOT THAT BAD HERE. You don’t see a lot of UPS trucks on the side of the road, riddled with bullets and burning out of control. So as far I’m concerned, there is no fucking excuse for something mailed within the Continental United States to take TWO WEEKS to arrive at another location in the Continental United States.

Twelve days ago, I ordered something off Etsy, and two days ago I asked for an update. Nothing. I waited until this morning, and finally opened a Paypal dispute, and that’s when I got a reply. She’s canceling the item, even though she mailed it two days after I bought it, because I was “really negative and mean,” and because she’s “leaving an abusive situation,” and her “internet has been spotty at best,” even though it suddenly it improved when she got the Paypal dispute notice. So that was a happy coincidence.

Please don’t print this unless you give me an alias. I just fucking hate everyone. I really do.

From: Clara
Subject: Greetings from Milwaukee

As I was stuck in traffic this morning with a raging headache, my drive time was instantly made brighter by this wonderful person.

I was trying to figure out how to signal him and say, “Hey! Me too! CF4L! I don’t like shit crafts either!” but I didn’t want to throw him the shocker or rear end him.

So with that being said, Milwaukee loves you and this dude is awesome.

As you know, we’ve been having some lulz over the hilarious butthurt of Dennis Waldron; the man who crapped out this staggering piece of Nine-Elevenalia.

We ran afoul of Mr. Waldron during our tribute to 9-11 TragicCrafting, when we showed a gif someone had made with his image. Even though I took it down because I have a soft spot for doddering old men who think the FBI can take away your hotmail account, Mr. Waldron was not satisfied. He insisted that I remove my own artwork featuring an eagle and the World Trade Center, because he apparently invented superimposition. And possibly eagles.

Today comes this email exchange from a reader that’s still pretty funny, but in an entirely different way:

From: S. Singh
Date: September 17, 2011 11:01:57 AM PDT
Subject: Dennis Waldron

I sent an email to Dennis Waldron; nothing profane or threatening or hurtful. Just telling him that the FBI will likely not take his claims seriously.

I was blown away when I got this response.

It’s an age old story, isn’t it?

The people who scream the loudest about the sanctity of marriage are divorced; the pastors who preach about the evils of homosexuality are getting blown by gay hustlers; and the great American with the sobbing eagle is a xenophobic gasbag who probably thinks the Jews did it.

NEVER FORGET that people are assholes

UPDATE: I didn’t see this coming. did you?

FROM: Lynn
SUBJECT: Did you know Etsy sends a LOL cat when you unsubscribe?
TO: Helen@Regretsy.com

I just went to unsubscribe from Etsy emails (I was tired of the chirping Etsy Success stories).

But then I got this:

Now I’m not sure because I don’t know if I can stand to make a cat this sad.

When I got this email, I thought it was a joke. No real multi million dollar corporation would actually send you a God damned LOL cat, would they?

Would they?

Then I got this two days later, from a completely different reader.

FROM: Tesla
SUBJECT: What happens when you try to unsubscribe from Etsy
To: Helen@regretsy.com

I don’t know if you’ve seen these, but I just about shit my pants when I tried to unsubscribe from Etsy emails. First they send you a LOLcat, and if that doesn’t work, they send you this YouTube video to guilt you into staying!

How cute is that? Way, that’s how! And that’s just the beginning!

Here are some more fun messages I’d like to see Etsy send their users:

If you have better ideas (and you usually do), leave them in the comments!

Dear Beaver Boy,

The man in the picture is my husband.

I mean, he WAS my husband.

Vermorlian

From: Ash
Subject: Sharie’s Craft World
To: helen@regretsy.com

Of all the sellers you’ve featured, no one’s work has captivated me the way that Sharie’s Craft World has. You’ve showed off her goods her more than once, but she had me at Nadine. So a few months, ago when my wife asked me what I’d like for our anniversary, I didn’t hesitate before answering “A 3-D clay portrait of the two of us sipping from penis straws.”

Cut to today, and a big beautiful package on the front porch. I can’t really describe the jittery joy I felt while opening it, knowing my own Nadineization was within. Sharie sent me an update at one point, telling me not to worry because “it looks better in person.” Truer words were never spoken.

A million thanks for finding and featuring Sharie. I would recommend her to anyone as she was so pleasant to work with and was so conscientious about communication every step of the way.

Thanks,
Ash

From: Kathlee
Subject: fun_tastic
To: helen@regretsy.com

My boyfriend and I wanted to share the fun_tastic gift.

And now, the elusive poem (which the sender told me she and her sister “cried from laughing over”):

1. The EXIT clearly marks the point of escape and meets OSHA standards.

2. The zipper wil help secure the opening so no unexpected exposure happens. But just in case the zipper causes trauma to the precious jewel, there is a First Aide Kit located in the front left pocket. This will also save the embarrassment of asking for help and having to explain what happened.

3. A whistle is located in the front right pocket as an emergency alarm in case you need some help.

4. The two pockets on the back are for Town or Country folks. A high grade of decorated tissue is on the right and the traditional corn cob on the left. Note: the cob now comes individually wrapped. Be sure to remove the wrapper before use.

5. A cork is added to the back just in case something gets started that needs to be stopped.

6. A note of Concern… Always wash the cork after use just in case you get so excited you blow the cork instead of the whistle.

Oh, and yes, I spent $14 on this and it was totally worth it.

Kathlee

From: þóra
Subject: (LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!)
To: helen@regretsy.com

I placed the goatse mug alchemy request that you posted last year. I got it made by a Something Awful member named Empty Sandwich who made a (pardon the pun) Buttload of them.

Excellent for pudding, stew, chocolate milk, and tapioca.

FANTASTIC UPDATE: You can buy a Goaste mug of your very own! The artist has posted ordering information for us here.

YOU KNOW I BOUGHT ONE

From: Kimberly D.
Date: June 16, 2011 3:15:50 PM PDT
To: Helen@regretsy.com

- Kim

Artist: Hazel Moore

From: A huge fan until you post bottle trees
Subject: Bottle Tree
Date: January 29, 2011 10:28:18 PM PST

I am a huge fan of your site, but I was disappointed by your decision to showcase a bottle tree on Regretsy. Bottle trees aren’t a way to showcase that you are a drunk, they are a tradition with roots in Africa. Granted, the bottle tree you featured was sloppily constructed. But bottle trees, as a whole, are unique folk art and a rich Delta tradition. I hate to see them disparaged.

***

Dear Huge Fan Except For The Bottle Tree Thing,

HK

From: Some jag off named Quentin
Subject: Letter from a half a year reader.
Date: January 29, 2011 1:05:50 PM PST

I wanted to say thanks for the laughs before I unsubscribed from you. I found your site a while ago and I had fun, you are very funny. However, it didn’t make me feel like the better person that I want to be. It seems like recently you’ve been a little less vicious, which is good, but still, getting entertainment-by-negative-example just feels wrong to me. Your website’s size makes it easier to see its influence. You’re kind of a super villain. It’s funny that I’m telling you that, because I plan to get into super-villainy myself (keep an eye out for a young bald man with homemade battle armor.) Just keep in mind that you can always change the direction of your work.

P.S. You’re spreading fear and hostility throughout the crafting world and I think it’s hampering the human condition.

***

Dear Quentin,

HK

From: A woman who insists there are no sweatshops or child labor in Malaysia
Subject: Etsy or Anthropologie? Malaysian child labor joke
Date: January 29, 2011 3:32:23 PM PST

Dear Ms. Helen,

By replying to me with a YouTube video about forced labor practices in Malaysia, you seem to be trying to prove that Malaysia does practice child labor & therefore I am wrong to be offended by your statement since what you said is “true”.

That video does nothing to prove that Malaysia condones child labor. The Nike sweatshop issue that was covered in the video highlights the plight of forced foreign laborers living in appalling conditions. It is regrettable that such a horrible thing happened – but these are not Malaysians. These unfortunate men are foreign laborers coming from Vietnam & Bangladesh.

I have never encountered reports of children being exploited in Malaysia. While it is true that there are children working in the agricultural field, more often than not, these children are from poorer rural areas & are just helping their family tend to the paddy fields/rubber estates/palm tree estates that their family own. Very much like how people in the US have farms.

It would be nice if you could edit the article as I do not think that the humor & wit of the article would be diminished if you just took out the line about child laborers in Malaysia.

***

I stand corrected!

- HK

From Liz:

Here’s a quick rough version of a new holiday cookie – the Human Gingerbread Centipede. Seasons greetings!

From Kathryn:

This year, I decided to try my hand at making gingerbread men. The mixing and baking went smoothly, but when it came to the decorating I ran into some trouble because I started drinking right after I snipped the end off of my icing tube.

From Megan:

Regretsy has inspired me to solve a problem I’ve had. My tree was all naked and sad on top, and now it’s … well it’s something. Thanks for the help!

From Libby:

I am an American working for a company in Japan, the land where Christmas is vaguely celebrated, but where whimsicle fuckery is practically a national pastime. I spotted these at my local discount store, Don Quijote, and I have to say, they did put me in the Regretsy Christmas spirit… of wanting to gouge my eyes out and hide in a corner softly sobbing to myself.

FOLLOW UP: Libby was kind enough to send me four of these, after I begged her repeatedly and threatened to cry. Here are my friends, Sam and Woody, who came over last night and got drunk, and thought I wouldn’t post this.

And speaking of masks…

From Andrea:

From Lacey:

From Gina:

From Dick:

Hey you worthless discusting looser asshole i’d liek to send you a bag of flaming dog shit for Christmas please give me your mailing address. Happy holidays.

And finally…

From Dani:

I’d like to take a moment to appreciate the glittering parade of fuckery over the past year. Thanks to you and cheap vodka, I haven’t killed myself despite the number of sagging schlongs, putty, pocked ass cheeks, and the regrets of life choices I face on a daily basis. I was so close to becoming a prostitute, why the fuck did I go back to art school?

Love,
Some Cunt Who’s Not Even Registered

Dear, Helen Killer

Even your name is an affront to the plight of the disabled American. Helen Keller overcame insurmountable odds and showed us that we too can do anything we want–it all starts with a simple “WAH”. You should be absolutely ashamed of yourself for spreading hate, even if it’s out of humor. The R-word, which I will not spell out because I, unlike you, have class and sohpistication, belittles special-needs victims and disadvantaged Americans. The book you are holding in your picture represents what was wrong with society (and what is still wrong with it): ignorance and a lack of compassion and understanding of the special-needs sector. You would do better to recyle the book and your outdated use of the repugnant r-word.

I write this out of love…not only for those of us who are different and special in our own way, but for you too. My advice is to see life through the eyes of a disbaled American and reevaluate your views. Maybe post something inspirational now and then, like a story of triumph in the disabled community. Lastly, I advise you to change your name–Helen Killer is a reprehensible jab at the most incredible, sophisticated disabled American in the world.

With love and understading,
Benjamin G.

It all starts with a simple “WAH!”

UPDATE: Ben is a gorgeous, perfect troll. We’ve been had. I am overcome with admiration and hot-tard love.