I’ve been in the process of moving for quite a few weeks now, and in the process, a lot of things have been neglected. Like my fiance, for example, who has been eating Hot pockets since August.

We’ve also forgotten to go to our post office box for at least a month. So you can imagine the treasures that spilled forth when we finally broke in to that larder yesterday. Woolen balaclavas, paintings of penises dressed as Elvis Presley, edible things I wouldn’t dare eat and of course the book I’m holding in this picture, Crafts for Retarded.

This is an actual instructional book from 1964, which came to my attention a few months ago when someone sent me a photo of the dust jacket. Clearly I had to have it, for reasons I shouldn’t have to explain to you.

I found a copy on Amazon and ordered it, and forgot all about it until yesterday, when I saw it in my post office box. I’ve been scanning it hungrily through the slits in my woolen mask, and I have to say, it’s a stunner.

I counted at least 16 projects in this book that are Etsy staples, like this horse shit you people are so fond of. And I have to tell you, if you can find your particular specialty in a handbook of crafts for the retarded, you might want to rethink your inventory.

That being said, some of the projects in this book are incredibly difficult, requiring math and complex measurements. But maybe this is how we dealt with the disabled back then; we frustrated them until they got sleepy.

So let’s see if you can do any better.

I’m going to post a project from this book at 6:00 PM PDT. You submit photos of your finished projects by midnight tonight. Tomorrow I’ll post the winners (and I use that word loosely), and the top three will get fantastic prizes courtesy of some of my favorite Etsy sellers.

If you prefer not to craft, you can enter the other part of this competition, which is the hate mail I invariably get simply by using the word “retarded” in any context. So if you’d rather just send in your reflexive, indignant butthurt, I’ll post my favorites and then everyone can play.

See you at 6:00!

I have something planned.

I can’t tell you much about it, but it may involve this post.

And this picture.

And also perhaps this picture.

And maybe this one.

But that’s all I’m saying.

So here’s the deal.

If you’re going to be in Los Angeles on Sunday October 17th, and you have about an hour to kill, let me know. There will be a brief exercise in insanity which will benefit an amazing little boy who is fighting Leukemia, and will immortalize you in the pages of Regretsy.

I don’t know how many people I’m going to need yet, but I’m still taking names and trying to figure this all out. If you’ve already responded, I have you on the list and I’ll be getting back to you shortly.

And that’s all I’m saying.

As you know, the Regretsy Book comes out tomorrow! Look for it right in the front of the store, where they’ll be using it to keep a table from wobbling.

To celebrate, we asked you to design a cover to go over your copy of the book; protecting your literary investment from pet dander, harmful pesticides and the prying eyes of strangers. And boy, did you come through!

It wasn’t easy to choose from the dizzying selection of fuckery you people churned out, but it had to be done. Ten winners, including three grand prize winners, presented here for your amusement, wonder and downloading.

If you’d like to print out any of these covers, you’ll need to ask for 16 x 20 paper, which you can get at Kinko’s.

THE WINNERS

All winners will get a free signed copy of the Regretsy book, unless they’d like something more valuable, in which case I’ll just send the envelope.

Click on the images to see larger versions. Some of the detail in these things is unbelievable.

10. SMOLDERING REGRETSY by Vile & Evil Debbie Downer

9. THE WHAT THE HELL BOOK COVER by Nikki C.

“This is my entry, in my fabulous craptastic cartoon style. It’s totally hand- drawn and coloured using Photoshop, and my amazing level 4 ‘shopping skills. And there’s the added bonus of the haiku on the back.”

Click here to view/download full-sized cover

8. FUCKERY STORIES by Charles

Click here to view/download full-sized cover

7. HAIRBALL by Raz

Click here to view/download full-sized cover

6. INTELLECTSY by Dawson

“For that individual striving to look a bit more intellectual as they carry around their copy of the Regretsy book.”

Click here to view/download full-sized cover

5. A PAINFULLY WHIMSICLE TALE by Claire

Click here to view/download full-sized cover

4. A MILLION LITTLE WTF’S by Sarah

Click here to view/download full-sized cover

3rd PLACE

RED AND BLACK by Laura

The 3rd place winner gets a signed copy of the Regretsy book, and a $25 gift card for Michael’s arts and crafts store.

And the winner is . . .

Click here to view/download full-sized cover

2nd PLACE

The 2nd place winner gets a signed copy of the Regretsy book, and a $50 gift card for Michael’s arts and crafts store.

And the winner is . . .

RxGretsy by IscreamUScream and Sudabaki

Click for larger image

Click here to view/download full-sized cover

I can’t believe how fabulous this is. Make sure you view the full-sized image to see the details. Because we’re talking about the Dalai Lama, hitting the Etsy pipe with a golden poo hat on his head.

1st PLACE

The 1st place winner gets a copy of the Regretsy book, a $100 gift card from Michael’s and . . . THE FAMOUS CAPPY SUE REGRETSY TROPHY!

And the winner is . . .

PARADE OF WHIMSICAL FUCKERY by Butterwort

Click for larger image

Click here to view/download full-sized cover

I can’t believe how much wonderful fuckery is in this piece. Everything from Cosmic Yak, to the horse with paintbrush in his mouth to the girl on the tricycle with the sequined face-mask. Please do yourself a favor and click to view the whole image, even if you don’t want to download it.

IF YOU ARE A WINNER . . .

Send me an email with your name, mailing address and number/name of your winning entry. Also let me know if you want your book signed, and if so, if you want it signed to anyone in particular.

Congratulations to all the winners, and many thanks to everyone who entered!

Sorry to shit in your Peeps, but I’m not going to be able to post any book cover contest entries today.

There are just so many of them, and they are all so huge, and they have to be re-sized and linked and uploaded and rubbed with garlic and rosemary and slow roasted to a golden brown. And I just can’t do it all. Not today, where there is so much candy to be eaten.

Tomorrow morning I’ll post everything all at once, and you can marvel at the rampant insanity of your fellow human beings.

But for now, bow your head and look down at that giant slab of ham on your plate; glazed over like your eyes during this morning’s sermon. Or, if you’re Jewish, go look for the afikoman, which is probably still under the “Next Year in Jerusalem” candy dish.

Either way, you have plenty to do today, so get off the internet and go think about religion.