I know how this is going to go, so I’m just going to save time by generating my own furious email of complaint, and then we can all get back to the important business of drinking ourselves to death.

All this week, I’ve been showing you unusual Valentine gift suggestions from Fiverr, the place where shit gets real for $5.™

We started looking for love in all the wrong places with Spandy Andy, then moved into rapping, heavy sarcasm and a custom video Valentine. And they were all well worth the $5 investment, believe me.

But tonight?

Well, tonight is a religious experience.

- Get your own personal Jesus here

This post first appeared on Regretsy on January 18, 2011

Shalom, bitches!

Hanukkah starts tonight! What fun it will be, as you all sit around the candle and wish you could eat ham.

As a partially chosen person who grew up in a semi-Jewish household, I know all too well the joys of the Jewish holiday. Yes, it’s that wonderful time of year when everything is boiled, and adults try to convince children that an orange is a suitable gift.

But how many of you really know the story of Hanukkah? Not many, I bet, because what the hell do you care? You’ve got your prison wine and your Torchwood DVDs, the Jews can suck it.

Well, not this year, goyim.

Because I am an atheist raised by lapsed Orthodox Jews and Pentecosts, I am in a unique position to give you the downlow on the yontev. And in the interest of infusing this holiday with gebrenteh tsores, I’m going to share it with you now.

THE STORY OF HANUKKAH

The story of Hanukkah begins long, long ago. Around 1930.

There was a Pharaoh, and he was holding all of our people against our will for some reason or other. I don’t know, I think we owed him money. You know how we are. Anyway, we were all, “LET GO OF THE PEOPLE! LET GO OF THE PEOPLE!” And he was like, “I’m not letting you go until you pay your storage fees.”

Then someone distracted the Pharaoh by popping a paper bag, and we escaped into the desert. But the whole thing could not have come at a worse time because we were making bread. And since there was no time to let it rise, we wound up with this flat, flavorless cracker thing we call Matzoh, which is now eaten as a punishment.

Then there was a revolt against both the assimilation of the Hellenistic Jews and oppression by the Seleucid Greek government. So, that happened.

Oh, but check this out. Those dirty Greeks wasted all of the oil making falafel, so there was nothing to light the lamps with. Which was teh suck, obvs, because they had to light the temple for 8 days. Why 8 days? Um, because that’s how long Hanukkah is? PAY ATENTION

Anyhoo, the little oil they did have managed to keep the temple lit the whole time, and they still had enough leftover to make latkes! It’s like I always say, Az di bobe volt gehat beytsim volt zi geven mayn zeyde!

To commemorate the miracle of fried foods, we will once again be lighting the Regretsy Chanukiah every night for the next 8 nights at 6:00 PM PST. Click on our flickering holy gif for your gelt.

In the meantime, get your tashmesh on with the Maccabeats: