I know how this is going to go, so I’m just going to save time by generating my own furious email of complaint, and then we can all get back to the important business of drinking ourselves to death.

We started looking for love in all the wrong places with Spandy Andy, then moved into rapping, heavy sarcasm and a custom video Valentine. And they were all well worth the $5 investment, believe me.

But tonight?

Well, tonight is a religious experience.

- Get your own personal Jesus here

Eat something, would you??

How come you never call?

Hey, Schindler’s List is my favorite picture, too!

Why can’t you be more like your cousin Herschel?

I’m very disappointed in you.

Also, you’re looking very pale.

I can get it for you wholesale.

Shalom, bitches!

Hanukkah starts tonight! What fun it will be, as you all sit around the candle and wish you could eat ham.

As a partially chosen person who grew up in a semi-Jewish household, I know all too well the joys of the Jewish holiday. Yes, it’s that wonderful time of year when everything is boiled, and adults try to convince children that an orange is a suitable gift.

But how many of you really know the story of Hanukkah? Not many, I bet, because what the hell do you care? You’ve got your prison wine and your Torchwood DVDs, the Jews can suck it.

Well, not this year, goyim.

Because I am an atheist raised by lapsed Orthodox Jews and Pentecosts, I am in a unique position to give you the downlow on the yontev. And in the interest of infusing this holiday with gebrenteh tsores, I’m going to share it with you now.

THE STORY OF HANUKKAH

The story of Hanukkah begins long, long ago. Around 1930.

There was a Pharaoh, and he was holding all of our people against our will for some reason or other. I don’t know, I think we owed him money. You know how we are. Anyway, we were all, “LET GO OF THE PEOPLE! LET GO OF THE PEOPLE!” And he was like, “I’m not letting you go until you pay your storage fees.”

Then someone distracted the Pharaoh by popping a paper bag, and we escaped into the desert. But the whole thing could not have come at a worse time because we were making bread. And since there was no time to let it rise, we wound up with this flat, flavorless cracker thing we call Matzoh, which is now eaten as a punishment.

Then there was a revolt against both the assimilation of the Hellenistic Jews and oppression by the Seleucid Greek government. So, that happened.

Oh, but check this out. Those dirty Greeks wasted all of the oil making falafel, so there was nothing to light the lamps with. Which was teh suck, obvs, because they had to light the temple for 8 days. Why 8 days? Um, because that’s how long Hanukkah is? PAY ATENTION

Anyhoo, the little oil they did have managed to keep the temple lit the whole time, and they still had enough leftover to make latkes! It’s like I always say, Az di bobe volt gehat beytsim volt zi geven mayn zeyde!

To commemorate the miracle of fried foods, we will once again be lighting the Regretsy Chanukiah every night for the next 8 nights at 6:00 PM PST. Click on our flickering holy gif for your gelt.

In the meantime, get your tashmesh on with the Maccabeats:

Okay, so we didn’t get raptured.

Whatever, Jesus. Rude much?

I spent the whole day cleaning the house in case he showed up. I even got a Sara Lee pound cake and a can of international Suisse Mocha. Now it turns out this was not the actual rapture; this was just double secret probation.

According to Harold Camping, who has Jesus on Speed dial, this whole thing was invisible judgment (which is my favorite Phil Collins song, by the way). He was here, but he was just observing, like a holy secret shopper or something. He’s going to come back in the fall, and that’s when shit gets real.

What a yank. I mean, why come here in the first place? That seems very analog to me. Can’t he just see you all the time with his magic Jesus eyes?

And if you are going to do recon, why tell everyone you’re coming? Wouldn’t everyone just be on their best behavior if they knew? I don’t know, maybe it’s like Kitchen Nightmares – everybody knows Gordon Ramsay is coming, but they still don’t clean out the freezer.

So now they’re saying that the actual end of the world is in October. I guess it’s going to take that long to process all the data. But I’m telling you, if I were Mayan, I’d be really pissed right now. By the time 2012 rolls around, this whole thing is going to be so played out. It’s going to be like trying to sell Slankets when everyone already has a Snuggie. You feel me?

While we’re waiting for the rapture, we’ll just have to judge each other. Fortunately, Jesus didn’t take all your shit crafts with him when he went back to his cloud. The trumpets aren’t the only thing that’s blowing around here.

See you in church!