Two weeks? To paint “USA” on a rock? Well, those red, white and, blue paints are pretty exotic. That’s a special order right there. Then there’s the trip to Gnomes ‘N Things to pick out just the right rock, that could take a few days, depending on bus schedules. And then of course there’s washing the brush and letting it dry between colors. Wow. Two weeks must be a rush order.

“Welcome! Welcome to my little corner of hell, guarded by a hideous raccoon statue I bought at Lawn Ornament World, and then just painted to look like a fox, because by then I was too stoned to Google a raccoon.”