This Secretary’s Day, why not show your appreciation by giving your secretary a cement paver? Research shows that most working women prefer badly-painted lawn decorations over bonuses! Plus it’s fun to watch her try to carry a 40 lb. paver down to her 2002 Kia Sorrento.

Oh come on! Do people really think they have wood sprites in their kindling? It’s a branch, not the haunted forest of Mirkwood. I can’t believe anyone . . .

Wait a second.

OMFG

Wood, hemp, chunks of metal and a rusty spring. Boy, I bet that makes a beautiful sound. There’s nothing like laying in bed on a summer night, listening to a bunch of shit banging around in a tree. If I wanted to hear bottle caps and car keys all night, I’d sleep in the parking lot at Dodger Stadium.

This Secretary’s Day, why not show your appreciation by giving your secretary a cement paver? Research shows that most working women prefer badly painted lawn decorations over bonuses! Plus it’s fun to watch her try to carry a 40 pound paver down to her 2002 Kia Sorrento.

That’s a lot more than the crack. That’s the whole alimentary canal.

Also, WOOD AT THE ENTRANCE HOLE

Wood, hemp, chunks of metal and a rusty spring. Boy, I bet that makes a beautiful sound. There’s nothing like laying in bed on a summer night, listening to a bunch of shit banging around in a tree. If I wanted to hear bottle caps and car keys all night, I’d sleep in the parking lot at Dodger Stadium.

For all the birds I’ve loved before.

Oh come on! Do people really think they have wood sprites in their kindling? It’s a branch, not the haunted forest of Mirkwood. I can’t believe anyone . . .

Wait a second.

OMFG

Is this really a thing? Do people actually buy outfits for concrete lawn ornaments? How do you know which teams they like? Is this just for geese, or can I get a merkin for my gnome?

The reason this takes so long is because of the time and attention they put into the face. You want it fast or you want it good?

NOT racist, you guys. Come on. I just think these little pickaninnies are adorable! Convo me if you want the lazy sleeping Mexican or the drunk Indian.

Yes, you’re going to be dead some day, and so will everyone who ever loved you. So why not start living like you’re dying right now? Go ahead, hook yourself up to an oxygen tank and wait for a kidney.