This Secretary’s Day, why not show your appreciation by giving your secretary a cement paver? Research shows that most working women prefer badly-painted lawn decorations over bonuses! Plus it’s fun to watch her try to carry a 40 lb. paver down to her 2002 Kia Sorrento.

Oh come on! Do people really think they have wood sprites in their kindling? It’s a branch, not the haunted forest of Mirkwood. I can’t believe anyone . . .

Wait a second.

OMFG

Wood, hemp, chunks of metal and a rusty spring. Boy, I bet that makes a beautiful sound. There’s nothing like laying in bed on a summer night, listening to a bunch of shit banging around in a tree. If I wanted to hear bottle caps and car keys all night, I’d sleep in the parking lot at Dodger Stadium.