Ringo Starr and Donatella Versace?

Danny Trejo and Sally Struthers?

Wait, I got it!

(Ed. note – Everyone here has the flu, so you’ll be getting flashbacks for the next couple days)

These beautiful lampshades are from Not Too Shabby New Jersey on Etsy.

If you’re anything like me, you can’t get enough knee-high nylons hot glued on vintage lampshades. So you can imagine my excitement when I noticed that they actually have a store in New Jersey, where one can ostensibly bring their own socks to be glued on the priceless object of their choosing.

At this point you may be asking yourself, “If these people can completely destroy a pair of vintage lampshades, what they can do with antique furniture?”

Well, lucky for masochists like us, Not Too Shabby has a TRANSFORMATIONS section on their web site, so you can revel in what passes for restoration in New Jersey.

A small antique sideboard with inlaid wood accents magically becomes…

A sink covered with housepaint and a Corian countertop for the downstairs crapper. Note the bottles of nail polish used as decorative accents.

That’s what I call “piss elegant.”

Next, a beautiful wooden flat top vanity with turned legs need a little TLC to be restored to its former glory.

On the other hand, you could just spray paint it hot pink and hope that Snooki is looking for something to put her pickles on.

Next we have “Grandpa’s dresser.” Hard to see what kind of wood we’re looking at, but the Cabriole leg suggests that this is a solid, heavy piece, probably made of fruitwood. You certainly don’t want to paint over those drawers!

Save the paint for everything else! And make sure you slap a mosaic on top so no one can ever restore it. Remember, It’s not a transformation if it isn’t totally ruined!™

Finally, this small ornate server boasts hand carved design elements, hinting at the beauty under the white paint.

Then again… STRIPES

- See more TRANSFORMATIONS here

non·cy·cle [non-sahy-kuhl]

1. To take a piece of garbage and turn it into a different piece of garbage

2. To take an object that still has some useful purpose and turn it into a piece of garbage

“Mary stopped Jim from discarding the expired air-fresheners so she could noncycle them into an instant collection.”

Synonyms: Lateral Recycling, Garbage Shuffling, Etsy Inventory

- More noncycling here, here and here

Don’t judge a book by its cover! Judge it by the hideous shit hot glued all over it.