What the hell is this thing? A dead goat with a corn cob glued to its head? A flocked donkey carcass stuffed with old copies of Martha Stewart Living? Maybe it’s a stillborn pony on a giant tostada. Whatever it is, it’s horrible. It doesn’t even have any eyes, for God’s sake. It’s like something out of The Cell, only not as cheery.

I would have thought a great gift to keep Michael alive might have been a defibrillator. But I’m not a doctor.

Other than that, this makes perfect sense. Because whenever I hear “Michael Jackson”, I immediately think “baseball”. Well technically, I think “Little League”, but you know what I’m saying.

So what exactly is a “Michael Jackson Emergency”, and how is this supposed to help? Is it made of asbestos, and meant to be used when your hair catches on fire during a Pepsi shoot? Do you wear it when you don’t want to leave fingerprints on the Jesus juice? Or is it just for when you miss Michael so much, only an object he had no personal connection with will help? Whatever. It’s only $250. You can’t even buy a hit of Propofol with that.