This is bullshit! I put these on my TV and I still can’t get Showtime.

MY TITS ARE ALLIGATORS
YOUR ARGUMENT IS INVALID

I swear to God, ever since Martha Stewart did her Dead-Baby-in-a-Dry-Cleaning-Bag diaper cake, everyone’s doing them. It’s such a cliche at this point. “Pregnant? Here’s dead baby in a bag!” *YAWN*

Just once I’d like to see someone do a Baby-Drowned-in-a-Bucket diaper cake. Now that would be adorable. Especially if the dad works in construction.

Oh, is that what this is for? To remind me of my own death? Holy shit, that’s fantastic! Because you know, the gray hair and the life insurance spam wasn’t keeping that top of mind. But a dead bird on a tree stump is really going to put that on the front burner, so thanks for that.

The only problem is, what if I forget to look at it? I mean there’s a slight chance that I might not obsess over my own looming demise every day, because I’m like that. I might forget for two seconds that eventually my heart is going to stop beating, and everyone I ever loved will also be dead, and no one will even know that we were here.

Hey, I know!

Or wait:

MERRY CHRISTMAS

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE

UDATE: This seller took her feature very well. In fact, she responded by sending this email.

Apparently her attorney took too long to file a claim, so she started this club:

Sadly, the club was removed by Facebook for “bullying” and using “photos without permission.”

THIS SHIT WRITES ITSELF

BONUS: Super dramatic YouTube video of this thing spinning on a lazy Susan for two and a half minutes. Better than Propofol!

An intriguing mix of tobacco and coffee that starts out strong, but after three or four showings, you’ll never see it again

Wooden and largely one note

A full bodied performer that does not translate well to other products (see “Abduction”)

A few months ago, our butt plug bills were through the roof! It seems like I was constantly buying new ass toys to go with everything in my closet. And forget back to school shopping; the kids always want the cool new butt plugs everyone else is wearing!

Thanks, Fawx Tails™!

- Helen Killer, Sherman Oaks

Etsy listing here

Well, that looks refreshing.

“And the moral of the story is, sleeping rabbits get decapitated, but the slow and steady tortoise gets his shell ripped off and smashed into a thousand pieces. Night-night!”

Just sitting here, watching the “commemorative” Amy Winehouse shit squeeze out of the Etsy sphincter.

Isn’t this great? A troubled woman finally loses her tragic life, and within minutes, you can remember her with a crappy Hawaiian shirt. Because, you know, of all those Hawaiian songs she recorded. Plus she loved coconut.

Right now, we’re up to nine fantastic products hastily listed since her demise. It’s not as many as you hope for, but it takes a while for the glue guns to heat up.

UPDATE :

Isn’t that incredible? It reminds me of Piccasso’s blue highlighter period. Thank God Staples is open on the weekend!

It’s bad enough that people are motivated to splash some bullshit together and try to cash in on this, but now Etsy itself has jumped on the shit wagon.

Yes, there is now an Amy Winehouse treasury on the front page of Etsy.

It hard to believe Etsy would do this. Everyone knows the front page is usually reserved for Chinese resellers.

But this is for Amy, you guys! For Amy! Because she would have wanted this. If there was anything Amy cared about more than heroin, it was crafting.

UPDATE: Etsy has quickly removed the treasury from the front page, and replaced it with pictures of owls eating ice cream cones. No word on why, though it might have something to do with comments like this:

Dear Beaver Boy,