This is bullshit! I put these on my TV and I still can’t get Showtime.

MY TITS ARE ALLIGATORS
YOUR ARGUMENT IS INVALID

I swear to God, ever since Martha Stewart did her Dead-Baby-in-a-Dry-Cleaning-Bag diaper cake, everyone’s doing them. It’s such a cliche at this point. “Pregnant? Here’s dead baby in a bag!” *YAWN*

Just once I’d like to see someone do a Baby-Drowned-in-a-Bucket diaper cake. Now that would be adorable. Especially if the dad works in construction.

Oh, is that what this is for? To remind me of my own death? Holy shit, that’s fantastic! Because you know, the gray hair and the life insurance spam wasn’t keeping that top of mind. But a dead bird on a tree stump is really going to put that on the front burner, so thanks for that.

The only problem is, what if I forget to look at it? I mean there’s a slight chance that I might not obsess over my own looming demise every day, because I’m like that. I might forget for two seconds that eventually my heart is going to stop beating, and everyone I ever loved will also be dead, and no one will even know that we were here.

Hey, I know!

Or wait:

MERRY CHRISTMAS