As you know, the Regretsy Book comes out tomorrow! Look for it right in the front of the store, where they’ll be using it to keep a table from wobbling.

To celebrate, we asked you to design a cover to go over your copy of the book; protecting your literary investment from pet dander, harmful pesticides and the prying eyes of strangers. And boy, did you come through!

It wasn’t easy to choose from the dizzying selection of fuckery you people churned out, but it had to be done. Ten winners, including three grand prize winners, presented here for your amusement, wonder and downloading.

If you’d like to print out any of these covers, you’ll need to ask for 16 x 20 paper, which you can get at Kinko’s.

THE WINNERS

All winners will get a free signed copy of the Regretsy book, unless they’d like something more valuable, in which case I’ll just send the envelope.

Click on the images to see larger versions. Some of the detail in these things is unbelievable.

10. SMOLDERING REGRETSY by Vile & Evil Debbie Downer

9. THE WHAT THE HELL BOOK COVER by Nikki C.

“This is my entry, in my fabulous craptastic cartoon style. It’s totally hand- drawn and coloured using Photoshop, and my amazing level 4 ’shopping skills. And there’s the added bonus of the haiku on the back.”

Click here to view/download full-sized cover

8. FUCKERY STORIES by Charles

Click here to view/download full-sized cover

7. HAIRBALL by Raz

Click here to view/download full-sized cover

6. INTELLECTSY by Dawson

“For that individual striving to look a bit more intellectual as they carry around their copy of the Regretsy book.”

Click here to view/download full-sized cover

5. A PAINFULLY WHIMSICLE TALE by Claire

Click here to view/download full-sized cover

4. A MILLION LITTLE WTF’S by Sarah

Click here to view/download full-sized cover

3rd PLACE

RED AND BLACK by Laura

The 3rd place winner gets a signed copy of the Regretsy book, and a $25 gift card for Michael’s arts and crafts store.

And the winner is . . .

Click here to view/download full-sized cover

2nd PLACE

The 2nd place winner gets a signed copy of the Regretsy book, and a $50 gift card for Michael’s arts and crafts store.

And the winner is . . .

RxGretsy by IscreamUScream and Sudabaki

Click for larger image

Click here to view/download full-sized cover

I can’t believe how fabulous this is. Make sure you view the full-sized image to see the details. Because we’re talking about the Dalai Lama, hitting the Etsy pipe with a golden poo hat on his head.

1st PLACE

The 1st place winner gets a copy of the Regretsy book, a $100 gift card from Michael’s and . . . THE FAMOUS CAPPY SUE REGRETSY TROPHY!

And the winner is . . .

PARADE OF WHIMSICAL FUCKERY by Butterwort

Click for larger image

Click here to view/download full-sized cover

I can’t believe how much wonderful fuckery is in this piece. Everything from Cosmic Yak, to the horse with paintbrush in his mouth to the girl on the tricycle with the sequined face-mask. Please do yourself a favor and click to view the whole image, even if you don’t want to download it.

IF YOU ARE A WINNER . . .

Send me an email with your name, mailing address and number/name of your winning entry. Also let me know if you want your book signed, and if so, if you want it signed to anyone in particular.

Congratulations to all the winners, and many thanks to everyone who entered!

Sorry to shit in your Peeps, but I’m not going to be able to post any book cover contest entries today.

There are just so many of them, and they are all so huge, and they have to be re-sized and linked and uploaded and rubbed with garlic and rosemary and slow roasted to a golden brown. And I just can’t do it all. Not today, where there is so much candy to be eaten.

Tomorrow morning I’ll post everything all at once, and you can marvel at the rampant insanity of your fellow human beings.

But for now, bow your head and look down at that giant slab of ham on your plate; glazed over like your eyes during this morning’s sermon. Or, if you’re Jewish, go look for the afikoman, which is probably still under the “Next Year in Jerusalem” candy dish.

Either way, you have plenty to do today, so get off the internet and go think about religion.

As you know, I’m doing a book signing at Borders in Glendale next Tuesday, the day the book comes out! The whole thing is getting more exciting every day!

No really.

Which leads me to this.

These are the embroidered panty liner bookmarks made by Hi Bird that I’m giving away to the first 50 people to get their Regretsy book signed next Tuesday at Borders.

I’m stunned by how amazing they are. I couldn’t speak for several long minutes when I opened the box.

To put the icing on the urinal cake, some of the artists featured in the book are coming to the signing!

In addition to Oh Boy Cat Toy and Creepy Dolls, we will also have a visit from Soapy Ho, who may or may not be wearing a penis costume. And there is also a chance that the hummingbird hat man will be making his way from out of state, so that should be even more fantastic. I would probably cry if he wore the helmet. But let’s not ask for the moon when we have the stars.

And when I say stars, I mean it. Because Morgan from Slightly Curious will be in attendance, and she is bringing this dude.

So that should answer all your questions.

About everything.

OMG CONTEST REMINDER

The book cover contest is closing today! This is the last day to get your Regretsy book cover design submitted, and win valuable, pants-filling prizes!

Here’s the dish on the contest, the prizes and how to enter. There’s still time!

I have received some ass kicking entries so far, let me tell you. Amazing, painstaking work. It’s this kind of serious attention to detail that can only mean one thing.

Many of you are unemployed.

UPDATE: REGRETSY TROPHY IN THE NEWS! EARLY REPORTS INDICATE 4/2/10 SLOWEST NEWS DAY IN HISTORY

Can you smell it?

That scent in the air? A sort of “burning diaper in an Indian restaurant” smell?

That, my friends, is excitement. And you’re soaking in it!

As you know, the release of Regretsy: Where DIY Meets WTF is right around the corner. Already, people are using words like “Brilliant” (my mother), “Fantastic” (my agent), and “Evocative, lyrical and candid” (The New York Times, but they were talking about Dreams From My Father).

Yes, it’s all pretty thrilling. And it’s about to get even thrillinger! Because to celebrate the book’s release on April 6th, Random House is sponsoring a contest, right here on Regretsy!

I’m not talking about some boring ass contest either. This is a crafting contest, and anyone can enter, regardless of the medium they work in! It’s so clever, it almost sounds like it wasn’t drunk when I thought of it!

THE CONTEST

PROTECT THE THINGS YOU LOVE!

You’re going to design the official, downloadable Regretsy book dust jacket! You heard me!

Yes, I realize it’s a paperback, that’s hardly the issue. It’s a big world out there, and you need to protect your investment from things like coffee rings and vomit.

And what if you take it on a plane or something? Do you really want people leaning over and saying, “Registry? You getting married?” No, there’s a reason we’re all on the internet, and it’s spelled o-t-h-e-r p-e-o-p-l-e. You know what I’m talking about. If you wanted to spend all day talking to strangers, you’d get a job.

HOW TO ENTER

Make your design for the dust jacket using any medium at all – it doesn’t have to be two dimensional. You can sculpt or knit or sew or do paper mache; you can even draw on yourself or spray paint your car. Or your neighbor’s car. What do I care?

Then just photograph or scan your piece, and fit it into the template we’ve designed for you.

Here’s a small version with the actual cover laid in, so you can see what the hell I’m babbling about.

The two rows on the top and bottom are folded under and not visible when the cover is on. But the inside flaps can be seen when the book is open, so if you like, you can continue your design, or write a fake bio for me or draw pictures of penises.

I just want to clarify that you are designing the WHOLE cover, not just the flaps. The artwork is only laid in here to show you how it wraps around the book.

Click here to download a template PDF

Click here to download a jpg version

Save your design as a jpg and email it to helen@regretsy.com, or upload it it and send me a link.

Since these will be available for people to download, please make your designs a reasonable size, say 1 or 2 MB.

Entries are due by Friday April 2. The best entries will be posted over the weekend, and the winners be be announced Monday, April 5.

THE PRIZES

Here’s where shit gets real, yo.

There will be ten winners total.

All ten winners will receive a signed copy of the Regretsy book, and a special bonus from Random House!

The third prize winner will also receive a $25 gift card to Michaels arts and crafts store.

The second prize winner will also receive a $50 gift card to Michaels arts and crafts store.

And the first place winner will also receive a $100 card to Michaels arts and crafts store . . . and something else.

Something so magnificent, that all other contests should just fuck off.

Ladies and Gentleman, may I present . . .

THE REGRETSY BOOK COVER CONTEST TROPHY

Built and designed by Regretsy favorite, Cappy Sue!

Yes, that’s me up there, perched on a giant nipple and wearing a vagina necklace, skants and a fertility doily. And how much do you love the nod to the smiling sap bucket?

There are so many jokes and so much Regretsy inspired fuckery on this thing that I have no choice but to take you on a virtual tour, so I can point out some of the awesomeness for you.

1. Turkey skants dude
2. Dice dreamcatcher
3. Chicken poncho
4. Jar lid necklace
5. Gumball head clown decanter
6. Goat in a coat
7. Miniature replica of A Denny Pinkham painting
8. Cut-out cat

I know, right?

That’s just the beginning.

1. Miniature replica of the infamous Mittens painting
2. Miniature replica of the Shit Horse painting
3. Miniature replica of the Fucking Flies painting
4. Polymer penis, as seen on the Regretsy purse
5. Miniature replica of Soapy Ho’s Corn poo soap
6. Miniature penis gun replica

All right, let’s all just try to calm down.

Because there’s more.

1. Whimsicle Fuckery medal
2. Michael Jackson Cat Toy replica
3. Miniature replica of The Belly Button Witch painting
4. Homage to Ady’s donkey rescue
5. No fucking idea

Not pictured: Googly-eyed polymer vagina

There you have it. Excitement, drama, pathos. There isn’t a dry seat in the house.

Well, get to it, people. This book isn’t going to cover itself.

I’m sure you all remember the Thanksgiving Skants dude, who many of you felt should have been the winner of the skants contest.

You may also remember that we started selling a Thanksgiving Skants dude T-shirt and sweatshirt in our Zazzle store a few weeks ago. The sweatshirt had the image printed upside down, to insure he would be properly oriented if you chose to wear the sweatshirt as skants.

As you know, 100% of the money we make selling this sort of thing benefits charity, and the Thanksgiving Skants dude has been a big seller. To thank him for allowing us to use his image in our Zazzle store, we sent him a sweatshirt, and some Thanksgiving Skants dude note cards.

Well, I think you can imagine my excitement today when I tell you that I got a photo from the Thanksgiving Skants dude last night, wearing his own image on his own Thanksgiving Skants dude sweatshirt.

That in and of itself would have been the apex of post-modern meta meme recursive clusterfuckery. But God love him, he took it one step further.

So may I present to you, the Thanksgiving Skants dude in a Thanksgiving Skants dude sweatshirt.

Upside down.

As Skants.

This is on the front page of Etsy right now. Handpicked, as they say, which is the term I’m starting to think they use when they mean “pulled from my ass”.

Sure it’s $125, but it comes with all the squares she cut out so you can print really small flyers. For fairies.

Don’t feel bad if you miss it, because this baby is one in a series!

“This is the first completed piece in a new series I’ve started. Each piece will take one solid hour (I stop working as soon as the hour is up).”

Kind of makes you wonder what you could do in an hour.

HERE’S YOUR BLANK

Put your links in the comments and I’ll add the html to make the images show up. The blank is already the right size for the comments.