I think this is going to take care of that cat-call problem.

Perfect for the plus-sized woman who wants to look like a couch.

I don’t know.

I mean, I like it and everything, but aside from the Law & Order wrap party, I can’t think of too many red carpet events where you want to look like someone stuffed you in a Hefty bag and set you on fire.

Now, if the back looked like you were covered in leeches, it would be a different story.

I’LL GET MY PURSE

There’s a lot of bullshit on Etsy, but for my money, nothing tops the all-old-clothes-are-awesome mindfuck. You may call yourself a “Thriftinista,” but you and I both know you got that coat out the dumpster behind a rest home, and there is no way you’re getting the Ben Gay smell out of it.

I realize it’s confusing. Sometimes you do come across a piece that will be fabulous once grandma dies and you can soak the oatmeal off her romper. I guess vintage is a bit of a gray area, much like the faded armpits on this little number, which at one point doubled as a holiday smock at the credit dentist.

So how can you know if that suit reeks of Bill Blass or Bill’s ass? Here’s a handy list of phrases used by Etsy sellers and their actual meanings to get you through your holiday shopping.

I CAN SEE YOUR AVANARDS

You may find this hard to believe, but I was young once. And I was very involved in theatre and doing plays and being an actress and all of that horse shit. And if there is one fundamental truth to this part of your life, it is this:

You need pictures.

So when one of your idiot friends calls you up and says, hey, we’re going to dress like fucking clowns and traipse around the hills all day, are you in? You say, shit yeah I’m in.

I need pictures.

So you show up to the “set”, which is actually the base of a hiking trail, where the “amazing make-up artist” breaks out a couple of lawn chairs and a Rubbermaid tub full of expired foundation. And then “wardrobe” shows up in his 1982 hearse with a trunk full of moth eaten shit he stole from the costume department of his old high school, and IT’S SCAVULLO TIME

And there you are, sweating under layers of clothes that already smell like B.O., while they smoke American Spirits and talk about the “Golden Hour” and other shit they heard someone talk about on the Actors Studio. And suddenly someone says, you know what this needs? Bowler hats and knee pads. And then the other guy with the red highlights says yes, but only one knee pad each. And that’s when it all clicks, and later, when you’re sharing a sad, skinny joint in the parking lot, everyone says oh my god you guys we got some amazing stuff today.

And if by some chance you actually manage to get a meeting with an agent, and you break out your portfolio, they will take one look at this New Wave Hillbilly Clownfuck and say,

You need pictures.

What the shit is this? It’s bad enough someone wants $74 to put a sleeve on an afghan, but the Lion King make-up brings it to a whole other level of ratfuck. Even Nathan Lane thinks this is too gay.

Hey that sweater looks EERILY FAMILIAR

- More Finnsters putting the Hell in Helsinki here