Perfect for the plus-sized woman who wants to look like a couch.

I don’t know.

I mean, I like it and everything, but aside from the Law & Order wrap party, I can’t think of too many red carpet events where you want to look like someone stuffed you in a Hefty bag and set you on fire.

Now, if the back looked like you were covered in leeches, it would be a different story.

I’LL GET MY PURSE

This post first appeared on Regretsy on April 22, 2010

There’s a lot of bullshit on Etsy, but for my money, nothing tops the all-old-clothes-are-awesome mindfuck. You may call yourself a “Thriftinista,” but you and I both know you got that coat out the dumpster behind a rest home, and there is no way you’re getting the Ben Gay smell out of it.

I realize it’s confusing. Sometimes you do come across a piece that will be fabulous once grandma dies and you can soak the oatmeal off her romper. I guess vintage is a bit of a gray area, much like the faded armpits on this little number, which at one point doubled as a holiday smock at the credit dentist.

So how can you know if that suit reeks of Bill Blass or Bill’s ass? Here’s a handy list of phrases used by Etsy sellers and their actual meanings to get you through your holiday shopping.