This post first appeared on Regretsy on March 16, 2011
Oh it’s subtle, all right. In fact, you can barely feel it. Primarily because it doesn’t actually do anything. But don’t let that stop you! You just hold these copper rods from Home Depot in one hand, and stick this piece of zinc up your blowhole. It will act as a magnet, drawing money out of your PayPal account, and increasing your dipshit potential.
I am all about helping the environment, which is why I buy yarn from South Africa that takes 40,000 gallons of jet fuel to get to my craft store. Sometimes I just get it mailed to me, which only takes a truck, packaging and customs forms. But I’d rather I take the Prius to pick it up, because then I can listen to NPR.
After I knit my tampons, I have to use the camera and the computer to upload my listings, and more computer time having convos with women named Esther who want to talk about their periods. Then of course, I have to go out and get shipping supplies, so I can send mommy’s little planet savers anywhere (I offer international shipping, which means more jet fuel, trucks and processing, but hey, it’s not easy being green).
Once you throw out all of the packing materials I just sent you, you can really get down to the business of repairing the ecosphere! Because instead of being rid of your filthy tampon forever when you flush the toilet (which you would do at some point anyway), you have to put them in water and change it every day like a fucking koi. And make sure you buy special bullshit detergents that have to get manufactured, like Rocking Green Princess Fairy Yoni Bubbles, which you would never buy if you didn’t have to wash your God damn tampons in the washing machine. Oh, and use gas to boil water to disinfect your snatch rags. If you hard boil some eggs at the same time, it’s practically sustainable!
Sure, it’s a few extra steps. But when you’re out in the backyard, clothespinning your pink crotch rockets to the line while the kids are watching TV and running the air conditioning with the windows open, you’ll get the kind of satisfaction that only comes with sacrifice.
LOVE YOUR MOTHER
This post first appeared on Regretsy on February 23, 2011
IT’S UNIQUE
VERY UNIQUE
PERFECT FOR PEOPLE WHO LIKE UNIQUENESS
SO UNIQUE IT’S VINTAGE AND BRAND NEW AT THE SAME TIME
HANG IT SIDEWAYS FOR MORE UNIQUENESS
GET TWO AND MAKE EARRINGS
PUT AN OWL ON IT
WATCH PARTS
WATCH PARTS
A VACUUM TUBE AND WATCH PARTS
AN ELEPHANT HEAD AND WATCH PARTS
A VAGINA AND WATCH PARTS
A MUSTACHE AND WATCH PARTS
BUY HAND-ASSEMBLED!
I’m sure some people will see this and be horrified. They’ll find the idea of someone smearing menstrual blood on a necklace and selling it to be completely repulsive and unhygenic.
And to those people I would simply say this:
NO COOTIES
