No, but that’s her bra. And you look just as hot in it as she did.

By the shores of the East River,
By the rezoned Greenpoint waterfront,
Sat the dipshit Hipsterwatha,
In her feathered Etsy headdress,
Near a shed of mossy barnwood,
Making super sexy duckface.

There, the clueless Hipsterwatha
Called her hot-glued nightmare “native”,
Claimed some tribal inspiration,
Though her only source of wisdom
Was a repeat of Bonanza,
And this season’s Top Chef Texas,
Because Padma is an Indian,
And wears feathers in this month’s Elle.

High resolution? This is my lucky day! Put me down for a poster, because I really need to know if that’s a pack of silica gel back there, or a butter pat stuck to the baseboard. By the way, I’m also interested in an 8 x 10 of a filthy toilet, so keep me on your mailing list!

UPDATE: Eagle-eyed readers have determined that it is, in fact, a Hall’s wrapper on the floor behind the cat.

No word on what’s next to the wrapper however, which is either a trilobite or a wayward shrimp.

]]> http://www.regretsy.com/2011/12/17/weekend-flashback-nature-abhors-a-vacuum/feed/ 95 http://www.regretsy.com/2011/12/05/cats-1-kids-0/ http://www.regretsy.com/2011/12/05/cats-1-kids-0/#comments Tue, 06 Dec 2011 02:07:06 +0000 Helen Killer http://www.regretsy.com/?p=58402
Photo by Cathy Hurley

As you know, we have been trying to buy Christmas presents for kids in the Regretsy community.

We took many applications, vetted them carefully and set about creating a giant gift exchange program, where you could buy a gift for the over 200 children we’re helping.

We raised so much money that we found ourselves in a position of not just being able to send toys, but to send a monetary gift to the families as well. We hoped it might help them make their holiday dinners more special, or maybe pay a pressing bill.

PAYPAL SHUT IT DOWN

Apparently we made the mistake of using the “Donate” button, which Paypal is now claiming is only for nonprofit organizations to use.* They froze the account, which also includes Zazzle money that we use to make emergency gifts. That money isn’t in issue, but what the hell! Might as well keep everything!

*EDIT: For the record, this piece of information is completely false. As per Paypal, anyone may use a donation button for any reason.

So last night, I decided to go about this a different way. Since these toys are already purchased, I decided to offer them up for sale on this site, just like any other retailer would. You could buy them according to what you wanted to spend, and we would send them on to the recipient of your gift, just like any other retailer.

PAYPAL SHUT IT DOWN

After a very long and jaw-dropping conversation with an incredibly condescending representative, they have decided that I must refund all the donations and purchases that have not been processed. If you don’t get a refund, it’s because we got your money before they got smart and kept us from helping children at Christmas, which is really the best move any corporation can make.

Here are a few highlights from our conversation:

YOU CAN ONLY HELP CATS

PAYPAL: Only a nonprofit can use the Donate button.
ME: That’s false. It says right in the PDF of instructions for the Donate button that it can be used for “worthy causes.”
PAYPAL: I haven’t seen that PDF. And what you’re doing is not a worthy cause, it’s charity.
ME: What’s the difference?
PAYPAL: You can use the donate button to raise money for a sick cat, but not poor people.

YOU HAVE TO START A NEW WEBSITE

ME: The problem is I’ve already bought all of these toys, so now I’m really in a position like any other merchant – which is to say, I have inventory I need to sell. Why can’t I sell them as gifts, like any other retailer?
PAYPAL: Don’t you think it would look suspicious if the same people bought them again?
ME: Why? These are my customers!
PAYPAL: If you wanted to do that, you’d have to start a new website.
ME: What? Why would I start a new website?
PAYPAL: I’m not going to argue with you.

WE WILL TRACK YOUR SHIPMENTS

PAYPAL: The only way you’d be allowed to sell these as gifts is if you sent them directly to the person who bought them. And we will track your shipments and make sure it goes to the buyer.
ME: That’s discriminatory! You don’t make other retailers send purchases to the buyer only, especially not at Christmas.
PAYPAL: No one but a nonprofit would send gifts to someone else on buyer’s behalf.
ME: What about Amazon?
PAYPAL: We know what you’re doing and we’re through playing games with you.

YOU’LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH THIS

PAYPAL: You say you’re selling these as gifts but there is no information as to what the gift is.
ME: People sell mystery gifts and grab bags all the time. What about sites where they say, let us choose for you?”
PAYPAL: It doesn’t say that on your site.
ME: Is that the problem? If I say it’s a mystery gift would that be sufficient?
PAYPAL: You aren’t going to be able to get around this. It’s too late, we know what you’re trying to do and we’re not going to let you do it.
ME: But there are hundreds of toys! Do you think it’s reasonable to create a drop down menu for hundreds of gifts, all of them different, and create an inventory for each as “one?” So that every time one sells, it’s sold out, and the customer has to keep choosng options and going through check out to see if they can find a gift that’s still available?
PAYPAL: Yes, I think it’s reasonable.

Then my brain exploded.

At this point, I asked to speak to a supervisor and was told that “No one above me will talk to you. No one at my level ever makes phone calls. We’re only doing this to help you.”

When I asked how to close my account, he said I had to “refund everything, write a letter saying you understood what you did WAS WRONG AND YOU WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN, and then request permission to close your account.”

Then, for good measure, they froze my personal account, which has revenue from my book sales, e-books and all the other Finnish Folktales Swag. They’ll be holding that money for 6 months.

So to recap:

$ They allowed me to use a donate button, and got a portion of the donations
$ Then made me return the donations, and kept a portion of the fees on the donations
$ They allowed me to use a Buy Now button to sell gifts individually, and got a portion of those sales
$ Then made me return the sales, and kept a portion of the fees on the sales
$ They processed the toy purchases, and made fees on that

They have made a fortune for not doing anything but making me manually return thousands of $2 sales and contributions.

I have been able to guarantee purchase and shipment of the toys, so that part is happening, as are the letters from Santa (most have already been delivered).

However, I am very sorry to say that at this point, I am not able to make a monetary gift to the families. They have frozen everything that was not already spent or donated, and I have no more funds to make a gift of that size.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Wanna tell Paypal how you feel? Here’s a list of every administrative Paypal email address and phone number The Consumerist was able to find.

UPDATE: Paypal has responded and this matter is largely resolved. You can see the outcome here.

As you know, Paypal has been dicking around with the money we’ve collected for the Secret Santa fund. Their argument is that I generated this money using a “Donate” button, and not the “Buy Now” or “Shopping Cart” buttons I have been using for all the other fundraising I’ve done in the last two years.

Because I used the wrong button, they have made me send them everything from bank statements to Articles of Incorporation to affidavits and notarized statements, even though I have been a verified business customer of theirs for 10 years.

After sending all this shit over to them from EUROPE, I just came back home to this email:

We appreciate that you have chosen PayPal to accept payments for your organization and thank you for your patience during this review process.

PayPal permits the donation button to be used by verified non-profit organizations. PayPal also permits donations to the accounts of individuals or organizations that are authorized to fundraise on behalf of verified non-profit organizations.

It appears that your PayPal account belongs to a corporation, and not a non-profit organization. Please refund the donations that you have collected.

Yes, I used the wrong button. Not that it says anywhere on Paypal that this button can’t be used by a corporation to assist individuals in need. This is just something you get to find out after collecting thousands of dollars that you now have to manually return $2 at a time.

PAYPAL IS AWESOME

The good news is that a lot of your donations contributions purchases were already processed before Paypal got smart and put a stop to helping kids who benefit from the use of the wrong button. So not everyone is getting a refund; just several hundred of you, and I’m going to sit down and do that right now while cursing a lot.

UPDATE: While slogging my way through hundreds of refunds, I noticed this interesting little disclaimer.

See how this works?

1. Paypal offers a DONATE button for you to use on your site
2. After you use it to raise funds, they tell you that you aren’t allowed to use it and make you return the money
3. They keep part of the fee for doing nothing

The best part is that when you raise the money all over again with a different button, they get fees on that. And of course, they process all the toy purchase payments, so this is a triple dip on money raised for needy kids at Christmas.

SEEMS LEGIT

UPDATE:

Thanks, Consumerist!

For example, did you know that you can take someone else’s copyrighted image, put it through a Photoshop filter and then it’s yours and you can do whatever you want with it? Its true!

See?

Now technically, I don’t have the right to show that image, because the Etsy seller put it through a Photoshop filter. But that’s where my knowledge of the Copyright Photoshop Filter Act of 2011 comes in to play! Because if I run her image through a different filter, I own it!

Let me know if you want a T-shirt.

Here are some other images that I now own:

Artwork is property of Regretsy and may not be reproduced or duplicated to be resold or displayed on the web, this includes self promotion, social media, or blogging. Artwork shall not be used for promotional/for profit or non-profit uses. Copyright is retained by the artist following the sale of the item.

ALSO AVAILABLE IN RED

I know people think it’s easy to take bad photos, but it really isn’t. Cameras are so sophisticated these days that you really have to do a shitty job like this.

For example, when I went to the Smithsonian a few years ago, I took hundreds of photos, and this was really the only one that was bad enough to be Etsy quality.

So you, know, if you want to give me $35 for that, I can print it out on luster paper and put it in a sleeve for you.

By the way, it also comes in red.

Photo Options

Blurry photo in sleeve $35.00 USD Red blurry photo in sleeve $35.00 USD Blurry photo and red blurry photo in sleeves $70.00 USD Just sleeves $50.00 USD 2 sleeves, 1 photo $75.00 USD 2 photos 1 sleeve $200.00 USD Custom blurry photo in choice of color (red only) $40.00 USD

There’s a lot of bullshit on Etsy, but for my money, nothing tops the all-old-clothes-are-awesome mindfuck. You may call yourself a “Thriftinista,” but you and I both know you got that coat out the dumpster behind a rest home, and there is no way you’re getting the Ben Gay smell out of it.

I realize it’s confusing. Sometimes you do come across a piece that will be fabulous once grandma dies and you can soak the oatmeal off her romper. I guess vintage is a bit of a gray area, much like the faded armpits on this little number, which at one point doubled as a holiday smock at the credit dentist.

So how can you know if that suit reeks of Bill Blass or Bill’s ass? Here’s a handy list of phrases used by Etsy sellers and their actual meanings to get you through your holiday shopping.

7. YOU CAN’T HAVE A REAL HAMMER BECAUSE YOU HAVE A VAGINA

MY LIFE IS BETTER THAN YOURS FUCK YEAH SAM ADAMS

LIFE IS PRETTY MUCH OKAY

LIFE SUCKS AND THIS STUFF TASTES LIKE ASS

As you know, today is your last shot at getting raptured.

We were all supposed to get raptured back in May, but it turns out that was some undercover, black ops kind of pre-rapture, and it took them a few months to get the guest list together. So I’m not sure what your day is like, but I’m expecting a visit from our Lord and Savior, bitches!

And I’m not taking any chances this time. I decided to take the day off so I can hear the doorbell. Plus I went to the store and got one of those Pepperidge Farm cookie assortments, because I don’t want to look cheap. You don’t put out a plate of Hydrox and expect to get Hoovered up to paradise. You got to put out the good shit for Jesus.

So I’m just going to sit here and work on the final chapters of Regretsy’s Big Book of Fabricated Finnish Folktales (on sale here, by the way), and wait for shit to get real.

See you in heaven!*

*Well, maybe not you. It’s just an expression.

While you’re waiting for redemption, you might enjoy looking at photos readers submitted of themselves being raptured.