(Ed. note – Everyone here has the flu, so you’ll be getting flashbacks for the next couple days) 

(Ed. note – Everyone here has the flu, so you’ll be getting flashbacks for the next couple days)

By the shores of the East River,
By the rezoned Greenpoint waterfront,
Sat the dipshit Hipsterwatha,
In her feathered Etsy headdress,
Near a shed of mossy barnwood,
Making super sexy duckface.

There, the clueless Hipsterwatha
Called her hot-glued nightmare “native”,
Claimed some tribal inspiration,
Though her only source of wisdom
Was a repeat of Bonanza,
And this season’s Top Chef Texas,
Because Padma is an Indian,
And wears feathers in this month’s Elle.

- Submitted by Pearle

You may remember a post we did last year about Etsy Featured Seller Ecologica Malibu.

Basically, a woman serving as the California distributor for furniture made by a company called All From Boats had opened an Etsy store, and was claiming to make all the furniture herself. Later, her story changed to include a “handful of carpenters,” and finally a letter surfaced from the owner of All From Boats, making it clear that Etsy had once again promoted a reseller instead of you.

Etsy responded to the outrage by retroactivey labeling her store a collective, which means, “Shut up, we’re making a fortune.”

When pressed to explain the rules of collectives on Etsy, they responded by looking all hurt and saying, “Wow, I can’t believe you don’t trust me.” They then put Ecologica on the front page, just to rub hand-milled artisan sea salt into the wound.

Eventually, outcry reached the Consumerist and thousands of other online outlets, and Boatwood Barbie retreated to the hills of Malibu, where magic birds continue to build boat wood furniture in her enchanted condo.

THE END

No, I’m just kidding.

Ladies and gentlemen, please meet Sierra Living Concepts on Etsy!

Now this looks a little suspect to me, but then, I’m not on the Etsy Marketplace Integrity team. Oh wait, no one is.

But something about merchandise built in “furniture excellence centers in India and Mexico” just doesn’t sound right. I admit, I don’t know what those are, exactly, but I’m envisioning 8 year olds chasing roosters out of the outhouse.

And you have suspiciously similar furniture all over the place, which tells me that the hallmark of excellence is how much you can nail together in a day for a buck and a half.

But maybe the website for Sierra Living Concepts offers the most insight:

Now call me crazy, but I have never heard of a handcrafter referring to themselves as a “California-based distributor.” Mostly they refer to themselves as “me.”

So once again, Etsy has tweaked the meaning of “handmade” to mean anyone’s hands, and any number of hands, anywhere in the world. Well except in your case. You can get your store closed down if your mom helps with shipping. How does that make you feel?

I’ve largely stopped talking about this, since Etsy isn’t even embarrassed by it anymore. When Chad Dickerson said that Etsy was “never just about handmade,” I knew we were looking at Quantum Leap: The Lost Episode. There is no Etsy anymore. There is only revisionist history, and a greedy corporation that changes the rules for everyone.

Well, everyone but you.

“Hey Jimmy, you want to come over and check out my new X Box?”

“No thanks. I’m going over to Cody’s yurt to play with his lichen.”