I have no idea what this is supposed to be. I wish I did, because I love fun-tastic novelty underpants as much as the next guy, provided the next guy doesn’t particularly like fun-tastic novelty underpants.

Maybe I just need to see the cute little poem that comes with it, and then I’ll understand. I tried writing my own, but I couldn’t think of anything that rhymed with WHY IS THERE A CORN COB TIED TO YOUR UNDERPANTS.

Hey, I know! Why don’t you figure it out? Leave your best cute little poem in the comments, and the poem I like the best will win this box of shit.

I’ll be over here, counting my Vicodin.

I find it hard to believe that God dictated three CDs of poetry to this woman and the subject of clip art never came up.

YOUR CAT IS FAT
HE’S GONNA DIE
BECAUSE YOU FEED HIM CAKE AND PIE

I find it hard to believe that God dictated three CDs of poetry to this woman and the subject of clip art never came up.

If you only know me from this site, then you don’t know about my deep and abiding love of bizarre music. So it’s with a huge boner that I present the first audio Regretsy, River of Love by Varga.

I would describe Varga as a cross between a drunken David Byrne, and Lou Reed with a head injury. I predict big things for this guy, who really knows his way around a Casio.

I have given you three excerpts from this CD; 15 tracks of fucking awesome which I purchased and downloaded faster than the drum track on almost everything.*

First up, Love Train.

I am especially intrigued by a synthesized cat sound that comes in at the :08 mark, and appears again every seven or eight seconds.

Next up, I Am the Enemy.

I Am the Enemy asks the question, “Who is the enemy?”, thereby ruining the surprise ending. More importantly, this showcases Varga’s uncanny multi-tracking, making you think for just a moment that there are two enemies.

And finally, Only Love.

Listen carefully for the subtle sound effect at the :17 mark.

I urge you to go and buy River of Love immediately, if only to play without comment during Christmas dinner, thereby cutting the evening short, and allowing you to get back to your porn.

*I actually purchased this from CD Baby to insure I could download it immediately, and not have to wait by the mailbox like Greyfriars Bobby.

And I will not pretend to know why you’re wearing a girls sweater.

If I had to wear a barbie doll and 2 pounds of broken jewelry on my head, I wouldn’t be happy either. But for God’s sake, at least try to smile. This looks like a hostage photo at the Mattel plant.