Regretsy » Annoying Descriptions

That’s Nacho iPod

Helen Killer — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 16:30:04 +0000

This post first appeared on Regretsy on May 3, 2010

You mean it literally appears as if you have a bag of Doritos? Get out!
Everybody’s going to be talking about this!

“Did you fucking see that?”
“No, what?”
“That person just strutted by with an official bag of Doritos!”
“No fucking way! Where do you even find a bag of Doritos?”

And then they’ll both laugh at how much fun to the extreme they just had.

Two Weeks Notice

Helen Killer — Sat, 15 Oct 2011 16:30:55 +0000

This post first appeared on Regretsy on December 19, 2009

Magic Spinner Production Schedule

WEEK ONE:

MONDAY: Find CD
TUESDAY: Play CD; decide if want to keep
WEDNESDAY: Find new CD
THURSDAY: Organize mirrors
FRIDAY: Organize beads
SATURDAY: Organize other objects
SUNDAY: 6:30 showing of “Did You Hear About the Morgans”

WEEK TWO:

MONDAY: Brainstorm
TUESDAY: Find fishing line and scissors
WEDNESDAY: Attach mirrors
THURSDAY: Attach beads
FRIDAY: Attach other objects
SATURDAY: Post office
SUNDAY: BREATHE

CUT TO: TRASH CAN

Helen Killer — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 21:53:54 +0000

- This post originally appeared in November of 2010

UDATE: This seller took her feature very well. In fact, she responded by sending this email.

Apparently her attorney took too long to file a claim, so she started this club:

Sadly, the club was removed by Facebook for “bullying” and using “photos without permission.”

THIS SHIT WRITES ITSELF

CRISIS AVERTED

Helen Killer — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 17:13:07 +0000

I have to admit, when I saw that this painting was $10,000 I was a little worried. But thank God there are going to be affordable prints soon, because there’s a spot by the couch that is just screaming out for a picture of Mr. and Mrs. Schloer sitting on a brick wall and tripping their balls off.

Mary Had A Little Clam – MNSFW

Bronc Drywall — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 23:30:07 +0000

HOLY SHIT

Tower of Power

Helen Killer — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 17:41:34 +0000

She rules Vacantlot in the shadows of the high voltage towers. She puts sticks on her head and draws on her face, and people try not to stare as they walk past to get a Slurpee at the 7-11.

It’s Not TV, It’s WTF

Helen Killer — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 16:30:38 +0000

ALSO AVAILABLE FROM THE REGRETSY CABLE TV COLLECTION:

“HUNG”

Oakey-Dokey

Bronc Drywall — Sat, 11 Jun 2011 16:30:23 +0000

Accio Nail Clippers!

Bronc Drywall — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 20:33:44 +0000

Yo Soy Pretencioso

Bronc Drywall — Sun, 29 May 2011 20:30:16 +0000

Cottage Cheese

Helen Killer — Tue, 03 May 2011 20:18:46 +0000

Who wouldn’t want five drippy chippy pippy smippy smappy pabby pabbulous pieces of shmabbulousness for their primmy swimmy cottage? There may be other clothespins on Etsy, buy these are the messiest wessiest distressiest paely waley pinkity shminkity shabby fabby shabulous fantasmablabbulous flippindippulous blabbity shabbity babbitiuyklhdkj askxuxkubxu bwkufb wu fxlhukdw fdigv,dhsg kvcgsc

HELP ME

And speaking of help…

If you really want to write an eye catching listing, take a handful of Xanax and lay out on the front lawn with a typewriter. When you wake up, they will have taken your children away and you can really get some work done!

ETSY’S PROFESSIONAL COLE SLAW AND ZYDECO APPRECIATION CLASS

When: Wednesday, May 4 from 7 – 8:30 p.m. ET
Where: Etsy Labs at 55 Washington Street, Suite 712 (7th floor) Brooklyn, NY

Please let me know if you attend this ratfuck. Make sure to bring your pocket watch!

Literally Awful

Bronc Drywall — Sun, 01 May 2011 16:30:40 +0000

All right, so maybe Lady Chatterley didn’t walk around in kooky leg warmers with an old slip wedged up her ass. But you try being completely and implicitly inspired by a book you’ve never read.

50 Ways to Love Your Vulva (NSFW)

Bronc Drywall — Sat, 23 Apr 2011 19:30:41 +0000

Just lazer your labe, babe
Vajazzle your pud, bud
Tidy your box, Fox
And I’ll make you a bowl
Just powder your flaps, chaps
And neaten the crack, Jack
Perfume your bits, Fritz
And show me your hole

- Paul Hymen

See Food

Helen Killer — Wed, 20 Apr 2011 01:27:56 +0000

This reminds me of the time I had bad clams and went to Magic Mountain.

I’m Not Seeing It

Bronc Drywall — Sun, 17 Apr 2011 20:30:42 +0000

Well, we’re going to have to agree to disagree. Because what you see as a “groping snout of desire,” I see as a partially chewed milk dud on a stick. And the vagina looks more like a spoon that got stuck in the garbage disposal, which says to me that we should eschew modern utensils and just eat Yoplait out of each other’s pee-holes. At least, that’s what I’m getting out of it.