You really want to be environmentally friendly? Try crapping in a toilet like a grown-up, instead of filling up the landfill with your giant pampers, you big pussy.

Jesus Christ, what is the fascination with candy? It’s not like a unicorn, you can pretty much go to the fucking liquor store and get a Kit Kat.

Oh come on! How is this a scarf? I know we’re all pretending that anything can be anything in craftyland, but how far are we going to take this? Hey I have an idea, why don’t we just start selling hems? You can tape them to your ankles and call them “Pannots”.

If someone I loved was murdered, and I saw some idiot prancing into Starbucks with this piece of crap on their arm, I would knock their fucking teeth out. Then I would tell the cop that assault and battery is born of friendship.

I think every bride wants to be photographed in a bib at her reception. It’s like a fairy tale; the Princess and the Baby Back Ribs. Then at the end of the night, you can gather your bridesmaids around and throw a bucket of cole slaw.

Hail Barbie,
Full of Win,
The Lord is awesome!
Blessed art thou among 11″ fashion dolls,
and blessed is thy Porsche
which is sold separately.
Malibu Barbie,
Sister of Skipper,
play with us now,
and at the hour of 3:00,
when we get home from school.

ZOMG.