This post first appeared on Regretsy on December 30, 2009

Hail Barbie,
Full of Win,
The Lord is awesome!
Blessed art thou among 11″ fashion dolls,
and blessed is thy Porsche
which is sold separately.
Malibu Barbie,
Sister of Skipper,
play with us now,
and at the hour of 3:00,
when we get home from school.

ZOMG.

The great thing about these is that you can also use them to ship your legs across the country.

This post first appeared on Regretsy on January 4, 2010

If someone I loved was murdered, and I saw some idiot prancing into Starbucks with this piece of crap on their arm, I would knock their fucking teeth out. Then I would tell the cop that assault and battery is born of friendship.

This post first appeared on Regretsy on November 10, 2010

They call this mask “Stand and Deliver”, because when you take it off, you look like Edward James Olmos.