I’m Julius Caesar, Roman geezer
I fucked them up at the Battle of Alesia
Cleopatra was hot but I got her in the freezer
I got mad Cheops like the Pyramid of Giza

Et tu, dawg

Conneckearring™, the necklace that connects to your earrings!

Also pictured: Gigantimplants and Spraytanneduckface

Hail Barbie,
Full of Win,
The Lord is awesome!
Blessed art thou among 11″ fashion dolls,
and blessed is thy Porsche
which is sold separately.
Malibu Barbie,
Sister of Skipper,
play with us now,
and at the hour of 3:00,
when we get home from school.

ZOMG.

The great thing about these is that you can also use them to ship your legs across the country.

If someone I loved was murdered, and I saw some idiot prancing into Starbucks with this piece of crap on their arm, I would knock their fucking teeth out. Then I would tell the cop that assault and battery is born of friendship.

They call this mask “Stand and Deliver”, because when you take it off, you look like Edward James Olmos.

It started when this showed up in my mailbox:

I was so entranced by these that actually asked you to make some for me, thinking I’d just recreate the image with a few friends. Which I did.

I’m not sure we were quite as drunk as the models in the original photo, but I bet it was close.

I sort of thought that would be the end of my fascination with balaclavas, but it wasn’t. Not by a long shot. I don’t know what it is about these things, but I find myself constantly looking for them now. I’m only truly happy when I find one that makes me crap my pants with fear and longing.

Fortunately, there are plenty of them.

Here are some pieces by my newest obsession; Italian artist Aldo Lanzini. His balaclavas have the strange effect of making me very cozy and extremely uncomfortable, all at the same time.

Click on the thumbnails for larger images, and to leave a comment

Before you dismiss these as being totally impractical, consider how fun it would be to put one on and go wash your car in the driveway. Or if you live in an apartment, you could just keep one by the door for when that kid comes by to sell you a subscription to People.

- Visit Mr. Lanzini’s web site here

“In my day young lady, we passed the Dutchie on the left hand side. Not on the right, not down the middle, but on the left. And we didn’t have the medical marijuana store, where you could just walk in like you were buying Tic Tacs at Rite Aid. So you remember that the next time you’ve got your $200 vaporizing bong out, and you’re paging a guy in a BMW to bring you some tree. God damned kids.”

WALK OF SHAME

SKID MARKS

DRINKING WITH BABY

APPLE BONG

See more at A Bean Pie on Etsy

This reminds me of one of my favorite audio tracks ever. Click the player below, and make sure you have the sound way up if you’re at work.

OH YES, IT”S ALL VERY FUNNY. BUT CRYING EAGLES ARE NO JOKE.

UNAUTHORIZED USE OF CRYING EAGLES IS THE SINGLE GREATEST THREAT TO OUR NATION’S FREEDOMS SINCE THAT THING WITH THE BUILDINGS. YOU WLL NOT BE LAUGHING WHEN THE FBI SHOWS UP AND TAKES YOUR TOILET PAPER.

DON’T LOSE YOUR HOTMAIL ACCOUNT! JOIN THE REGRETSY CRYING EAGLE TASK FORCE!

T-shirt

Tote bag

Mug

Mousepad

As always, Zazzle proceeds benefit charity.