GET IT ALL OUT NOW
By now you probably know that today is the last day of school around here. At midnight, the site becomes an archive, allowing me to get down to the important business of drinking myself to death.
Naturally, this has put me in a reflective mood. And as I look back on the last three and a half years, I notice a pattern emerging; a pattern of rage, butthurt and cranky pants.
There are three subjects on Regretsy that have caused the most furor and gnashing of teeth. This was not something I knew before the posts went up, but I would be lying if I didn’t tell you that I enjoyed the reflexive, knee-jerk shitpouts and histrionics more than a little bit.
So here they are, and I can only hope another fight breaks out to top them all. In fact, I have reactivated our Facebook page for one day, just to allow the maximum amount of ugliness to blossom. If you’re blocked over there for being an asshole, you’re unblocked now. Assholes are exactly what we’re looking for today, so get it all out while ye may.
Ready?
THE 3 MOST INCENDIARY TOPICS ON REGRETSY
1. BREASTFEEDING
I never really thought much about breastfeeding, because I’m not a mother. And while I think it’s great if you can breastfeed, it doesn’t make you a hero. It also doesn’t make you a cretin if you can’t breastfeed and have to find another way to nourish your child.
This one got nearly 1,000 comments the first time, and another 600 when I reposted it. My position then, as it is now, is that no one but lactivists and Jenny McCarthy cares how you feed your kid, and wouldn’t it be a nicer world if everyone was more like me and stayed out of your fucking face? I think so, too.
BONUS: BRING ON THE BATSHIT
2. CIRCUMCISION
This one caught me totally by surprise. I honestly had no idea that this was such a big issue for people, because as I said, I am not a mother. The few complaints I had heard in the past about circumcision were from men lamenting a loss of sensation, but I had never heard people refer to it as “mutilation.”
My position then, as it is now, is that your baby’s penis is none of my business. I also pointed out that circumcision is a part of being raised as a Jew, and that we don’t live in a country where your religious practices are subject to the approval of Etsy sellers. The latter landed me in a great deal of hot water, and I received thousands of emails from people telling me, yes, we do have a right to stop you from practicing your religion if we so choose, because Jews are evil.
I shit you not.
This post got 647 comments, and over 1,200 on Facebook. It also got me a stalker, who attempted to advance the idea that I was “a proponent of genital mutilation.” Only on the internet can “it’s not my business” mean “I am in favor of maiming children.”
3. FEMALE BODY HAIR.
I have put up a few posts commenting on a model’s obvious body hair, because why not? As soon as you lift you arm and make your hairy pits part of your sales pitch, I get to have a reaction. Don’t like it? Save your bush for the co-op.
This is perhaps my favorite bullshit topic, because the people who are the most vocal are the biggest hypocrites and assholes.
EVERYONE HAS A RIGHT TO CHOICE! Well, everyone except you. You don’t get a say in whether you like body hair or not, because…
NAZI!
Where was I?
Oh yes, body hair on women is a matter of taste, and taste is entirely subjective. Unless you prefer a woman who shaves or waxes, in which case you’re a pedophile.
I never tire of women who leap to the defense of a woman’s right to choose her own appearance, only to follow up with a nasty crack about implants and too much make-up.
And so I leave you today with one last joke; a joke I have never had the balls to post, but one that has made me laugh like an asshole every time I found it in my drafts.
Something tells me this one might have topped them all in terms of outcry and meltdown, but I guess we’ll never know. All I know is that there’s a bottle of Nyquil with my name on it, and you were the greatest lay I ever had.
- HK
IF MY HAIR LOOKED LIKE THAT I’D HIDE TOO
January 31, 2013 at 5:28 pm
And with that last post, Regretsy is finished. Here is my final adieu to a website that has given so many so much joy:
http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=8VoTVj8sfGo&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D8VoTVj8sfGo it was the most flounciest thing I could think of. Adieu mon vieux ami de la internet, tu me manque. CF4L!
http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=iUrzicaiRLU&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DiUrzicaiRLU
January 31, 2013 at 5:48 pm
Manque is French for buttplug.
January 31, 2013 at 7:03 pm
If it means buttplug then my French professor told me the same lie.
January 31, 2013 at 7:37 pm
BUTTPLUGS!
BUTT! PLUGS!
Buttplugs?
January 31, 2013 at 8:30 pm
Where have all the buttplugs gone?
Long time passing.
January 31, 2013 at 8:45 pm
THEY HAVE GONE TO THE FORUMS.
http://forums.regretsy.com/topic.php?id=38949
The forums are staying open, folks. See you there.
January 31, 2013 at 7:59 pm
Harry Pitts is my new porn name!!
C all you FJLs near the Goatsee cave on The Island of Misfit Fuckery!
and now let me quote April’s Dad and say “TTFN! Ta Ta for NOW!!!!”
January 31, 2013 at 10:09 pm
Which is why it has an unusual construction in the butt-plug sense:
“Manquer + à means “to miss a person, place, or thing, as in to feel the lack of it”*
*The beautiful part is, that was taken right out of a grammar lesson.
Regretsy, what will I do without you???
January 31, 2013 at 11:18 pm
So the derivation is that “un manque” fills up that empty feeling?
February 1, 2013 at 12:21 am
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! I was selfishly too busy with my own life as a single mom and full-time working woman to know this very important information about Regretsy ending. April, you have given me many minutes of hilarity and you will be missed. I can only hope that you get inspired to start a new way of communicating with your many fans. I will continue to enjoy “Sockpuppet Theater” and look forward to anything you do on the intercomwebsnet. You also have the smartest, funniest commenters anywhere. Thanks.
February 1, 2013 at 5:25 am
I too just woke up to the official news because I was busy with family life aka everyone has the flu
January 31, 2013 at 5:32 pm
I’ll miss the site! Good luck to you in your future ventures!
(Now I have to figure out where else I can use the pseudonym.)
January 31, 2013 at 6:48 pm
Where can’t you use it?
January 31, 2013 at 11:48 pm
Star Trek Slash Fanfic?
January 31, 2013 at 5:33 pm
*salutes*
January 31, 2013 at 6:50 pm
I am a leaf on the wind, and shit. And now I’m all teary.
January 31, 2013 at 7:29 pm
Aww fuck! Now I have some dust in my eye! That part always gets me. They landed safely! Effing Reavers.
Well, I raise my ‘Namaste Bitches’ mug in salute of my favorite website in the history of websites and all of you FJLs. I will just have to content myself with a small, sad smile every time a stranger catches sight of it and shields their children’s eyes. Good times.
CF4L!!
January 31, 2013 at 5:33 pm
I am going to miss this shit. I loved the controversies the best. There will never be another site that will quite understand the outrage over hobo weddings and glitter tear eagles.
Thank you, April, for all of the craziness that you brought into my household. (We now look forward to ‘tragicrafting’ whenever something horrible happens.) Thanks for making me not feel bad for being a fat jealous loser.
I can’t wait to see what happens with Sock Puppet Theatre and your other projects!
January 31, 2013 at 5:36 pm
My tiny blackened heart breaks. I’m going to miss Regretsy so very much.
Now where will we get our glitter whore gifs and noncycling??
Likewise, Sock Puppet Theatre is my only respite now.
January 31, 2013 at 5:58 pm
I still tell people about the hobo wedding hullaballoo. brings tears to my eyes.
January 31, 2013 at 7:39 pm
That was beautiful. (Not the wedding, obviously.)
January 31, 2013 at 5:33 pm
I appreciate your Frankness on this difficult day.
January 31, 2013 at 5:50 pm
I see what Jew did there.
January 31, 2013 at 5:52 pm
Anned…..scene.
Great job, everybody! Craft services has donuts and coffee over by the door.
January 31, 2013 at 6:11 pm
*slow claps*
Glad we’re not going to lose you, Zippy. You and Matt are a team. Of something.
January 31, 2013 at 7:36 pm
Zippy, Matt, Mugsy, Princess, and too many others to remember, your humor has kept me laughing all the way through the vodka bottle. I only wish I had the wit to get in the discussion. Will miss you all. cF4L
January 31, 2013 at 7:43 pm
Come over to the forums and bring vodka! No, seriously, bring vodka.
January 31, 2013 at 8:35 pm
Gallons of it.
January 31, 2013 at 5:34 pm
I got nothing to add here, but I will miss you and this site. Best of luck on your future endeavors, and THANK YOU!
January 31, 2013 at 5:34 pm
Wow. I did giggle, but wow. WOW. *hee, hee*
January 31, 2013 at 6:31 pm
Also
January 31, 2013 at 7:45 pm
We’ll always have Hellephant!
January 31, 2013 at 9:13 pm
Hellephant makes me so happy. Hope to see him carry on.
January 31, 2013 at 9:42 pm
*tacklehugs Steampunk Octopus* STEAMY!! I am grinning ear-to-ear right now, because you’re here. I brought rum, just for you!!!!
You are psychic–your e-mail came in on THE day I was thinking that I hadn’t heard from you in too long and that I wanted to e-mail you. I’ve got a surprise for you.
I’ll be in touch soon!
January 31, 2013 at 10:55 pm
I love you, Mugsy! *hugs*
Climb under this blanket I’m frantically crocheting and we’ll tell stories over that bottle of rum.
CF4L!
January 31, 2013 at 5:34 pm
I’ll miss you so much – thanks for the site that made me laugh through college. You’re a fun bunch.
January 31, 2013 at 5:35 pm
I APPLAUD… and weep, too. I love Regretsy and I thank you for bringing it to the world!
January 31, 2013 at 5:35 pm
Bye bye
I made up this stupid nickname just so I could comment and it stuck for everything else so for this I THANK YOU from the bottom of my stupid sad heart.
January 31, 2013 at 5:35 pm
All I can say is … after everything Anne Frank went through, did she really need to be mutilated by an etsy seller?
January 31, 2013 at 6:14 pm
It’s all about the music, man.
January 31, 2013 at 6:35 pm
The ultimate in tragic crafting. Plus it doesn’t even look like her.
January 31, 2013 at 8:51 pm
January 31, 2013 at 5:35 pm
I will miss you and the site. Are we still allowed to send you Christmas/Holiday cards?
January 31, 2013 at 6:19 pm
It is better to ask forgiveness than permission.
January 31, 2013 at 5:36 pm
I’ll miss the posts here. Many times the comments were gold as well. Hell, this is one of the only (if not the only) sites where I felt free to not bother holding to my rule about never reading comments on blogs.
January 31, 2013 at 8:29 pm
Ditto to that. Comments infuriate me on most sites, but here, they fuel me!
Looking forward to your new endeavors! I hope we can still gather for April’s Army and John’s Life Cycle fundraisers. It’s been a blast!
Thanks for exposing shitty hipster trends like hobo-chic weddings and upcycled craptastic crafts. I miss you already!
Vanessa
January 31, 2013 at 8:42 pm
I can not count the number of times the comments made me laugh so hard I was both crying and running to my room to change my panties.
Best of luck in your future endeavors and CF4L!
January 31, 2013 at 5:36 pm
So long and thanks for all the fuckery.
January 31, 2013 at 5:36 pm
Later that night, alone in the backyard, April buried Regretsy next to the garage. Now I could never be sure, but I thought that I heard the sound of “Taps” being played, gently.
January 31, 2013 at 5:36 pm
I haven’t commented elsewhere because I figured it would get lost in the shuffle.
I want to thank you for all the laughs you, Bronc, and Crochet have given me, especially when my spirits were unliftable.
Thank you for the wonderful charity I was able to be a part of once with my items and many times by donating.
Thank you for the beautiful forum community you have allowed us to have and keep.
I wish you the best of luck with everything you do.
Thank you Helen. Please feel free to pop by in the forums sometimes still and maybe even come to some meetups. (And Bronc too). You two are a load of fun
January 31, 2013 at 5:37 pm
I am so sad I won’t have Regretsy to make my day awesome anymore
January 31, 2013 at 5:37 pm
QUITTER!!! GODDAMN YOU!!
Kids, find mama’s klonopin. I’m not good with loss.
January 31, 2013 at 5:38 pm
*sings* Thanks for the memorieeeees…
January 31, 2013 at 5:38 pm
Goddamn it. I am so sorry to see you go but man, is it going to be fun watching the fringies send you on your merry way. Some sort of Viking funeral of epic butthurt is what I’m hoping for.
January 31, 2013 at 5:38 pm
1) as the husband of a man who recently became circumcised I feel I have the perspective to say “FORESKINS ARE MURDER!” Seriously, from this day forward no penis shall pass these lips if it hasn’t been mutilated.
B) Not being breastfed made me gay. Soymilk makes you homo, true story.
iii) fuck it, I can even be bothered to weigh in on chicks and body hair, I just don’t care enough about women’s body’s.
Finally) April and Bronc! Love you guys, always! I miss this place.
January 31, 2013 at 5:39 pm
Love you back, Alan. Never think otherwise.
January 31, 2013 at 10:13 pm
Shh don’t tell my boyfriend that our son will be gay. He still has 6 more months of soy milk left!
January 31, 2013 at 5:38 pm
Some glitter would make that picture so much better. No, not really.
January 31, 2013 at 5:38 pm
That drawing, painting, whatever makes Anne Frank look like Alfred E. Newman’s younger sister. Why??? Anne Frank had such dignity and insight for such a young girl. Why make her look like a comic book character??
Oh yeah-awesome last post
January 31, 2013 at 5:38 pm
Thank you for the last laugh. See you on Dispinterest.
January 31, 2013 at 5:38 pm
We’ll miss this place!
January 31, 2013 at 5:39 pm
HOW DAAAARE YOUUUU! I’M GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW WRONG YOU ARE BY BEING EXACTLY THE KIND OF SANCTIMONIOUS JERKWAD THAT I ACCUSE THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS ARGUMENT OF BEING.
January 31, 2013 at 5:39 pm
Sadness. Thanks for all the laughs!
January 31, 2013 at 5:39 pm
FUCK. I climb under a rock for a year to mourn the passing of my shitty marriage to a huge douche canoe and the day I decide to crawl out I find this bullshit about the site going away. D:
January 31, 2013 at 6:13 pm
I’m glad you didn’t emerge any later. You would have come here and thought the site was broken.
January 31, 2013 at 8:31 pm
A silver lining if ever there was one.
January 31, 2013 at 8:57 pm
Just wanna say, good for you for abandoning the HMS Douchecanoe! There was no need for you to have gone down on the shit. I mean, down with the ship.
Good luck to you!
January 31, 2013 at 5:39 pm
I raise a glass to you fuckers.
January 31, 2013 at 8:43 pm
Sláinte, bitches.
January 31, 2013 at 5:40 pm
SO SAD
You will be missed!
January 31, 2013 at 5:40 pm
I’ll miss you. Thanks for the great laughs!
January 31, 2013 at 5:40 pm
Also, is there a market for Holocaust tragicrafting? I hope not.
January 31, 2013 at 6:15 pm
Rule 18.
bye, April. Thanks for being kind Jewish sometimes with some of us all of the time!
January 31, 2013 at 5:40 pm
Goodnight, sweet prince. D:
January 31, 2013 at 5:41 pm
Wait… I can still read the site even if it’s archived, right? Please say yes.
January 31, 2013 at 5:58 pm
Yes! And comment too. And I’m not disappearing, just not updating THiS site.
January 31, 2013 at 6:03 pm
oh thank babyjesus.
January 31, 2013 at 6:03 pm
DON’T LIE TO US! You know it can never be the same! *throws self onto bed and sobs*
January 31, 2013 at 6:13 pm
Hell yes to Sockpuppet Theatre and AprilWinchell.com. Count me the fuck in.
January 31, 2013 at 8:25 pm
The only thing missing from Regretsy has been April’s hit song “My Vagina!” It was a hit here in the Southland during her radio days and hope to see it back on Aprilwinchell.com as a FJL anthem. So we will say goodbye to Regretsy and say hello to My Vagina
January 31, 2013 at 8:35 pm
To the tune of “My Sharona”, one hopes?
January 31, 2013 at 8:44 pm
I rather look forward to the unveiling of My Vagina.
January 31, 2013 at 8:52 pm
Stretch! I was thinking of doing that live at the Jon Lovitz show next Friday, but I don’t have a piano.
By the way Stretch, thank you for following me from KFI to aprilwinchell.com to Regretsy (and hopefully back to aprilwinchell.com). You have been awesome and I love you.
January 31, 2013 at 5:41 pm
Fuck. There goes the one acceptable outlet I had for snark. Boo, hiss, pbbbbththhhh.
Thank you, Lady, for being so open, humourous and damned awesome. Not to mention good-hearted. I joined the mob here because of PayPal’s grinchness and I hate to see you go.
Don’t ever stop being the witch’s tits.
January 31, 2013 at 6:36 pm
You can always join us in the forums.
January 31, 2013 at 5:41 pm
As an Etsy seller, your site helped me make a chunk of change from a post here (Crown Royal Booties). And I am forever thankful. But as a person, your posts gave me more laughs than I could ever even explain. Regretsy will be missed, wonderful work on it! <3
January 31, 2013 at 5:42 pm
Keep calm and flounce on.
I’m gonna miss you fuckers.
January 31, 2013 at 5:42 pm
Oh, and… CF4L.
January 31, 2013 at 6:28 pm
FOR LYFE, MOTHERFUCKERS!
January 31, 2013 at 5:42 pm
I am sadness.
I understand.
Regardless, you have a fan for life.
January 31, 2013 at 6:29 pm
^^^^^^THAT.
January 31, 2013 at 6:42 pm
Agreed, although I’ve always been an April Winchell fan but AWF4L bishes, SALUTE!
So long, Regretsy, and thanks for all the glitter encrusted, earl grey scented fish:)
CF4L 4EVA!
*sniff*
January 31, 2013 at 6:44 pm
Crap! I lost the salute
HAIL!
January 31, 2013 at 5:42 pm
Regretsy has been something I’ve read for at least two years now. It was frequently a point of discussion with my friends, and this one year that I bought a Chrimmus card for charity my order got passed over; when you fixed it, you sent me this bracelet with a funny note, right before the holiday and really made my day. I still wear it. You and this site have been a notable element in my life for a while, and you should know you will be missed. I’ll watch all your sockpuppet shits for fear of going into withdrawal. Namaste, bitches. <3
January 31, 2013 at 5:43 pm
Oh lordy, lordy. I thought this would be like my granny’s funeral – all misery and sadness. Actually it’s more like my great uncle Pat’s wake – a bit of music, lots of rude jokes, some dancing and lots of alcohol.
Thank you for several years of daily laughs. We needed you.
January 31, 2013 at 5:43 pm
I like to think that the picture of Anne Frank encompasses all of the other issues you mentioned. Anne Frank most likely drank breast milk, because it’s hard to keep a cow quiet in an attic. Also, who the hell was going to keep the baby from screaming during a briss? Not this guy, leave that foreskin alone! And the hair? Well…the hair is an homage to the “don’t shave your pits” movement. Imagine if we all lived in a society where we were free to grow our pit hair out in flowing, semen encrusted tufts?
Farewell Regretsy, April and Bronc. You will be dearly missed.
January 31, 2013 at 6:22 pm
When you say “pit hair,” I think “barbecue pit” and I get really squicked out.
On the other hand, grilled foreskins with a nice spicy rub?
January 31, 2013 at 9:40 pm
Grilled foreskins, Mugsy? I hear they plump when you cook ‘em. Rest assured my friend, you will not hear of me going off half-cocked.
January 31, 2013 at 9:44 pm
*must resist obvious jokes. Must. Resist.*
January 31, 2013 at 9:58 pm
Waiter, there’s a hair on my calamari. Several, in fact.
January 31, 2013 at 11:24 pm
Is is imitation calamari?
January 31, 2013 at 5:43 pm
I don’t shave under my arms!
Deal with that!
Unfortunately I’m northern European, and can’t grow much hair under there even if I tried.
Bye, everyone!
PS Plembot’s kicking my butt on Words with Friends.
January 31, 2013 at 5:52 pm
You should ask Plembot if she shaves under her arms. Maybe that gives one a competitive advantage!
January 31, 2013 at 11:37 pm
Pretty sure she’s just smart.
It’s curtains for me.
January 31, 2013 at 11:52 pm
You need to betterize your wordery.
February 1, 2013 at 12:06 am
I were making a joke reference.
February 6, 2013 at 8:11 am
My axilla hair is neatly trimmed to allow for maximum aerodynamics when playing WWF. I take that shit seriously.
February 6, 2013 at 9:03 am
PS. I had to post at least one more comment to say I have enjoyed reading these comments and occasionally joining in on the delightful shenanigans and raucous fuckery. I also didn’t want my last post to only be about my grooming as womyn in a patriarchal society filled with body shaming and unrealistic images of the feminine ideal.
February 1, 2013 at 12:30 pm
Lacey, gently wafting curtains.
January 31, 2013 at 5:44 pm
First, that one last joke will live with me all week, and for that I thank you.
Secondly, I thank you for everything, April. It was nice to find a site run by someone who shared my sense of humor when in real life I often found myself surrounded by humorless morons. Best of luck!
Now, don’t hog the NyQuil.
January 31, 2013 at 5:44 pm
I discovered regretsy while I was in the hospital shitting out my first child, now as I’m about to birth my second little turd it seems fitting for regretsy to end. I dont know what will make me laugh till I rip my taint this time but im sure it wont be as fantastic as regretsy was….. Good luck! I appreciate all you’ve done the last few years!
January 31, 2013 at 5:47 pm
Shitting out your child. A butt-baby? I really want one of your birth announcements.
January 31, 2013 at 9:13 pm
Ass-baby. The correct term is ass-baby.
January 31, 2013 at 5:53 pm
So your kids are pickles?
January 31, 2013 at 5:44 pm
WELL YOU FINALLY OFFENDED ME, I’M FUCKING FLOUNCING YOU HEAR??!
*sobs quietly into her vodka*
January 31, 2013 at 5:44 pm
Okay but seriously, thanks for the memories. This has been one of my favorite sites ever.
January 31, 2013 at 6:00 pm
And you have been a joy to work with. You are scary brilliant. Super talented. It was an honor.
January 31, 2013 at 5:44 pm
The site was great. I’m sad that there are so many “inside” jokes that will be lost to the interwebz. All assholeness aside, Regretsy did a lot of great things for a lot of deserving people and it’s sad to see it go.
Because of Regretsy, I closed my Paypal account. Because of Regretsy, I moved my store to WePay where I don’t have to burn money every few months on listings that no one ever sees. Because of Regretsy, well Helen personally, I was able to pay my electric bill at a time when I was in severe financial straights (BTW April, I think you still have a box full my shit around somewhere because you had your knee surgery right after buying it so you never got around to giving it away).
My boyfriend and I love Sock Puppet Theatre and look forward to seeing where it goes. I’m also a huge Pixar fan so I’ll be hearing you soon.
Good luck, fuck you, and all that jazz. Bitch!
January 31, 2013 at 6:02 pm
Actually, I gave all your beautiful jewelry to my mother.
Well, maybe “give” is too strong a word. She found the box and simply took it all home.
January 31, 2013 at 6:37 pm
I really want to meet your mother. She sounds like a gas.
Being part of the phenomenon that was Regretsy has been hugely awesome for me. When you posted photos of the shit I mailed you, when you took the hat I made to Finland, those things made me feel so good. But getting to know all these amazing fuckers, including you and John — It’s like I’d spent years in the desert, wandering, trying without success to find people I could identify with and stuff. You, and the community you created, provided something I’d been missing for a long time. Thank you for everything, and I’ll see you around, I hope!
January 31, 2013 at 8:56 pm
Absolutely! And we’ll have those grapefruit cocktails again! What were those called?
Thank you for everything, Kniti. We love you.
January 31, 2013 at 10:06 pm
Fuck if I know. If I weren’t so lazy I’d try to google it. Grapefruit, rosemary, and…?
January 31, 2013 at 5:45 pm
I’ll miss this
poor, dear, mutilated anne frank, now in jewelry form!
January 31, 2013 at 5:45 pm
Will miss you so much. Thank you for making laugh so hard that the cat would wake up and leave. Hope the new projects are fantastic.
January 31, 2013 at 5:45 pm
Cheers, twatwaffles!
January 31, 2013 at 8:42 pm
January 31, 2013 at 5:45 pm
This reminds me of the tragic story of the man who sold his foreskin to pay for nipple clamps for his wife but she’d sold her nipples to buy a custom cock ring that fit over his foreskin. So they both got body waxes. And everybody cried.
January 31, 2013 at 5:51 pm
I hate O. Henry. Your story is much better!
January 31, 2013 at 6:05 pm
O. Henry should have stuck with the candy thing.
January 31, 2013 at 5:56 pm
This reminds me of that Scoutmaster who molested all those Cub Scouts. I’m not really sure why.
January 31, 2013 at 6:38 pm
Long live the comedy sensation that is Zippy-Johnson.
January 31, 2013 at 7:39 pm
Hey, I think we all agree that if you must have a Johnson, it’s best to have a
zippy Johnson.
Damn it, April & Bronc. It’s going to be a hell of a lot harder to deal with the horde of idiots that make up much of the American public without being able to sneak a peek at Regretsy on my lunch break! You will be missed. If I end up on the late-night news for a savage glue gun and glitter massacre, you’ll know the pressure got too high.
Be honest – you’re hoping for more material for sock puppet theatre by opening the facebook page again, right? But there’s such a wealth of crazy online already!
January 31, 2013 at 5:46 pm
This site has been one of the biggest joys in my otherwise bleak life. No matter how much pain I was in, I could always count on Regretsy for a laugh. I’m going to miss you! Thanks for the laughs!
January 31, 2013 at 6:03 pm
Bookmark aprilwinchell.com! After a little break I intend to start shit over there.
January 31, 2013 at 6:26 pm
Cool!
January 31, 2013 at 6:40 pm
I can hardly wait. One thousand up-thumbs!
February 1, 2013 at 6:27 pm
Have 1008:
January 31, 2013 at 8:24 pm
Sign me up!
January 31, 2013 at 9:43 pm
And we’re allowed to have penises on aprilwinchell.com? Just checking.
January 31, 2013 at 5:46 pm
majestic finale!
January 31, 2013 at 5:46 pm
When I’m having an Anne Frank hair day I don’t want to leave the house either.
I get it.
January 31, 2013 at 6:40 pm
That made me short-laugh like a congested donkey. Thanks.
January 31, 2013 at 5:47 pm
Good to the last drop.
: D
January 31, 2013 at 6:04 pm
You are the funniest bastard alive. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for adding so much to this site.
January 31, 2013 at 6:07 pm
Thanks April.
I wish you tons of success and happiness.
January 31, 2013 at 6:09 pm
I’m sure it means more coming from the giant lowercase r but I agree – you hilarious offspring of unmarried parents!
January 31, 2013 at 6:41 pm
The forums are still there.
January 31, 2013 at 5:47 pm
Good luck w/ everything!
Thanks for all the ridiculousness!
I rather enjoyed all of it…even the gross parts!
Especially the Pervy parts!
Fades to Black…with G’bye music.
January 31, 2013 at 5:47 pm
ILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOU, PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!
So anyway, good luck and all. See ya in the funny papers!
January 31, 2013 at 5:47 pm
I thought I never had a soul mate in snark and bs’ing the bs’ers. And then I found regresty. Will miss you sorely.
January 31, 2013 at 5:48 pm
I always said that one day I was going to put together an epic flounce, one that could stand, if not next to, at least in the same room as some of our greatest flounces of all time. It looks like that day has come. So, without further ado:
I can’t believe you continue to use the word “butthurt” in such a CARELESS and CAVALIER manner, you unbelievable shitbag whore to ever bigger shitbags. I’ll have you know three people in my family died from untreated butt pain and here you heathen sluts are, laughing at it like it’s some kind of dumb joke, which is the only kind of joke you understand because you’re so dumb. Why aren’t you out in the world helping people whose butts hurt, instead of sitting in your moms’ basements, pretending to be clever? Is it because you’re too fat to fit through the door? I used to like this blog when it was funny, but now I’m never going to read another new post here again.
Enjoy Hell, you beautiful devils.
January 31, 2013 at 5:49 pm
Wonderful, daisyj! Your post is definitely worthy!
January 31, 2013 at 6:08 pm
I’m sorry, your flounce has been rejected due to perfect spelling and grammar. You are not permitted to leave.
January 31, 2013 at 6:56 pm
January 31, 2013 at 6:52 pm
Nuh uh, flounce rejected on lack of poor grammar, caps lock and spelling errors. Also, MOAR SWEARING! Now, crease and desist at ounce and govern yourself accordingly! You fat jealous loser you
January 31, 2013 at 8:36 pm
Your flounce is Pedo-Bear approved!
January 31, 2013 at 5:48 pm
P.S. Thanks for the mammaries.
January 31, 2013 at 7:41 pm
Not to mention the foreskins.
January 31, 2013 at 8:36 pm
And the goatse.
January 31, 2013 at 10:42 pm
And the blue waffle and tubgirl nighmares.
January 31, 2013 at 5:48 pm
High class, as always.
Flounce on, you crazy shining star. Flounce on.
January 31, 2013 at 7:07 pm
@Brainmurk -CRAZY! I just (re)wrote PF’s Shine On as an ode to Regretsy on F-book. Great, strange, weird minds regret alike…
January 31, 2013 at 5:49 pm
In my despondence over the end of days, I’m letting every single hair on my kaleish-smelling body grow, I’m circumsizing every man I see, I’m hiding in my attic, and I’m squirting breastmilk at every goddamned cupcake on the planet.
I love you. Never forgetsy. And thank you, April. For everything.
January 31, 2013 at 5:49 pm
I am sad because now I will never know if I could have made something horrendously crappy and horrible enough to be featured here. Namaste, bitches!
January 31, 2013 at 5:50 pm
Love you Helen and Bronc! I will keep you and all the gang here fondly in my drunken memories. Wish Bronc would get back on FB, I miss hearing of real-life adventures too. Now when I hear “End of an Error” I won’t think of 8 years of tragic presidencies, but some charities I was able to support out of the Internet Ether, people I’ve never met yet cared a great deal about, and why the hell I donated a shitpot of money to a group of random people to go get viciously drunk in Finland.
Happy Memories.
Tearfully,
B
January 31, 2013 at 5:51 pm
Pourin’ one* out for my Regretsy homies.
Namaste, bitches!
*A glass of breastmilk, that is.
January 31, 2013 at 5:53 pm
BEST FLOUNCE EVER.
But really, my day will be incomplete without your fuckery. Best wishes.
January 31, 2013 at 5:53 pm
Thanks for everything. CF4L!
January 31, 2013 at 5:54 pm
More like Anne Frump, amirite folks?
January 31, 2013 at 6:10 pm
*giant hook approaches from offstage*
January 31, 2013 at 5:54 pm
I love you, April. And the Anne Frank joke? Absolutely beautiful. You fabulous, asshole/bitch/loser/cunt/homophobic/Nazi/sexist/Bible-thumper/racist, you.
January 31, 2013 at 5:58 pm
You left out shit-licking fucktard.
January 31, 2013 at 6:01 pm
And muff-snuffing buzzard.
January 31, 2013 at 6:02 pm
And cum-guzzling road hog with flapjack tits and a five-head.
January 31, 2013 at 6:12 pm
Festering pustule on a diseased taint.
February 1, 2013 at 12:45 am
And Nickelback fan.
February 1, 2013 at 9:49 am
OH NOW TAKE IT EASY.
(said in the voice of White-Knight Sock)
January 31, 2013 at 5:54 pm
FINALLY! Now I can make my up-cycled steampunk vagina cozies without someone judging me!
In all seriousness, even though I found this site a bit late and I didn’t post much, I’m going to miss it. Thank you for all the crazy fuckery and good luck with whatever shit you’re working on!
And remember to govern yourselves accordingly!
January 31, 2013 at 5:54 pm
Wait what? Regretsy is really ending? D: I don’t follow the site that closely, otherwise I’d probably would’ve known before…
January 31, 2013 at 5:55 pm
Thank you for the last 3.5 years of Whimsickle Fuckery! I wish you well, Ms. Hapril; Hasta Bananana!
January 31, 2013 at 5:55 pm
This is just a transition to more fuckery, I know it. In fact, Sockpuppet Theatre is evolution, bat-shit butthurt put to glorious music!
Question: Can the forums be renamed Club Fuckery or FJL Forums or something just as whimsicle? It feels kind of weird to keep calling it Regretsy, and this way with new fans of SPT and stuff, it can be multipurpose!
VIVA LA EVOLUTION!
January 31, 2013 at 5:57 pm
I’ll miss you, Lemon.
You made me laugh many times.
January 31, 2013 at 6:00 pm
Hell, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be around the forums and such.
Might even start a blog or something.
January 31, 2013 at 6:04 pm
You could call it “Lemon Blogs”.
January 31, 2013 at 6:09 pm
Or “Matt Johnson’s a Total Douche” also has a nice ring to it.
January 31, 2013 at 6:20 pm
“Total Tools” is a hardware chain store in Australia.
January 31, 2013 at 6:14 pm
January 31, 2013 at 6:24 pm
I will miss seeing your speedy photoshops to go with user comments.
I guess this just means photoshop contests need to happen in the forums, right?
January 31, 2013 at 6:38 pm
They aren’t already?
January 31, 2013 at 8:17 pm
You made me laugh too LeeLoo! You were always very clever with your words! I’m going to miss you and everyone!!
January 31, 2013 at 7:01 pm
Lemon Bombs, I was thinking the same thing — keeping the forums under the same umbrella as SPT and AW.com
I think Club Fuckery/CF4L would be a highly appropriate rename.
January 31, 2013 at 8:29 pm
I think this is the best idea – Linking them all, if possible, would help keep us all aware of each other.
January 31, 2013 at 8:38 pm
CF4L:TNG!!
January 31, 2013 at 8:16 pm
You made me laugh so much lemon_bombs! You and zippy and so many others!!
January 31, 2013 at 9:04 pm
My pleasure and privilege.
January 31, 2013 at 10:54 pm
You included me with Lemon Bombs???? I’m typeless! Starting n
January 31, 2013 at 11:40 pm
Hmm. I don’t think your condition will last too long, if the past is any indication of the future.
January 31, 2013 at 11:54 pm
ow!
January 31, 2013 at 5:56 pm
I’m gonna cry every time I open a new tab, and I see Regretsy in the most visited spot, aren’t I? *sobs*
(Also, as someone who developed heavy anxiety after almost being taken away by the CAS after a call over petty bullshit, that Psycho Breast Milk Lady pisses me off to no end.)
January 31, 2013 at 5:56 pm
I shall miss you all…..
By the way, thanks for the reminder to shave my pits. XD
January 31, 2013 at 5:57 pm
I feel I should print this post out, fold it into a boat and burn it in a Viking funeral ceremony. I’d better go get some Aquavit first. A true Regretsy send-off requires booze.
Thank you, by the way, for coining the term “tragicrafting.” I look forward to seeing it in dictionaries one day.
January 31, 2013 at 5:57 pm
I haven’t commented in forever, but I’m digging back into my old images for this occasion.
I’d forgotten all about duckface Ben mumphs.
*sniff* I feel like I was part of something. Thank you Regretsians!
January 31, 2013 at 7:03 pm
^^^^^THIS!
January 31, 2013 at 5:57 pm
Goodbye, Regretsy, I loved the hell out of this site! Thanks for all the laughs, new vocabulary words, and all that shit.
January 31, 2013 at 5:57 pm
January 31, 2013 at 6:09 pm
You win.
January 31, 2013 at 6:14 pm
Heil say!
January 31, 2013 at 6:16 pm
Fuhrer sure!
God, I’m gonna miss this place. ; )
January 31, 2013 at 8:03 pm
You guys are really reiching, there.
Godspeed, Helen, Bronc, Crochet, and all the commenters here in the peanut gallery! Y’all really did some good for people–through concrete assistance in times of need and grief, by building friendships, or just by brightening up shitty or boring days with your wit. Not bad for a bunch of fat, jealous losers. Imma miss this place.
January 31, 2013 at 8:06 pm
Reiching. Heheh. I did nazi that one coming.
It wouldn’t be a Regretsy thread without a run-on pun, would it? FJLs know a little something about STYLE. ; )
January 31, 2013 at 8:20 pm
Your’e Riech!
January 31, 2013 at 8:37 pm
Hey, at least we’re Goering out laughing.
February 1, 2013 at 10:51 am
I’m Goebbling up these comments!
January 31, 2013 at 8:41 pm
Heil YES!
January 31, 2013 at 9:21 pm
I gestapo-ing now is our only choice since we can’t go on.
January 31, 2013 at 9:25 pm
It really is the final solution. It’s been a gas, you guys!
(I really am going to hell, aren’t I?)
February 1, 2013 at 10:53 am
On the end of a Speer LOL
February 1, 2013 at 11:00 am
ETA: I’m really, really going to miss these Matt/Zippy/Melagrana/whoever punfests.
February 1, 2013 at 8:17 pm
Me zwei!
January 31, 2013 at 5:58 pm
I wish each and every one of you Crafty people a big Good Luck Swastika in all your new Endeavors. And if that makes you feel like marching into France, for God’s Sake don’t shave your armpits!
January 31, 2013 at 5:58 pm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKgUq5dziEk
Thanks for the memories!
January 31, 2013 at 5:58 pm
Whimsicle Fuckery is dead. Long live Whimsicle Fuckery.
Also, the top of Anne’s head needs to be shifted to her right a bit.
January 31, 2013 at 6:00 pm
LONG LIVE THE FAT JEALOUS LOSERS AND THE SARCASTIC ASSHOLE THAT IS THE SPIRIT AMONG US
april, you got me a six month subscription to the best lollipops i have ever had
because i panic-attacked in your inbox wanting time to save up for a hellephant USB drive. i later found a USB drive in the basement and remembered that if i’m not going to college then when will i actually use the thing? but i brought your lollipops everywhere with me and i lived with a girl who had a bit of a temper, i constantly bombarded her with a new lollipop so she would calm down and be happy.
i’m still in love with the tart pluot ones and i got a doctor client of mine{i do fetish wrestling} to promise to buy me a shit ton of those things if i go to dinner with him next week. you’re getting me paid in the best lollipops ever and you’re letting me be a gold-digger.
i’ll always be your lollipop-toting happy jealous loser
that one little girl from delaware
January 31, 2013 at 6:01 pm
This was the only blog I ever cared about let alone read the comments on. I was mostly a lurker but occasionally commented and I’d like to think that I participated where it counted. I’ll always have my tarot deck and made up folktales as well as the emails from HK that I creepily obsess over in a darkened room by myself… too much?
Thanks for the good times, but especially for the flouncy, cryabeetus, FJL, butthurt times. <3
January 31, 2013 at 7:10 pm
Speaking of Tarot decks, Princess Buzzkill still has a few left! Own a piece of Regretsy history, folks. Those decks are amazeballs.
Princess Buzzkill Crying Glitter Eagle’s WePay store
January 31, 2013 at 6:01 pm
I enjoyed reading Regretsy for the past few years, and I was utterly proud one day to see one of my Etsy items had enough whimsicle fuckery to grace your site. Good luck with all of your future endeavors! <3 Namaste bitches!
CF4L
January 31, 2013 at 6:02 pm
http://imgur.com/ez83ynf
January 31, 2013 at 7:12 pm
The link above is this image:
Well-done, k!
January 31, 2013 at 7:56 pm
oh my god, where can I get a locutus balaclava?
January 31, 2013 at 6:03 pm
I WILL MISS ALL YOU FUCKERS AND ALL THIS FUCKERY.
…
Dafuq am I going to read at work now?!
Where will I get information about Sylvester Stalone’s mom’s Ass-psychichry?!
WHAT WILL I DO WITH MY LIFE?!?!?!?!?!?!
January 31, 2013 at 6:29 pm
no really, what am I going to do with my life guys?
dont make me go knit snoods and join etsy….
January 31, 2013 at 7:13 pm
http://forums.regretsy.com
January 31, 2013 at 6:04 pm
This reminds me of something my grandfather told me: Never play hide-and-seek with a Jew. They’re REALLY good at it.
January 31, 2013 at 6:04 pm
Thank you HK and Bronc and Crochet and all of the Regretsy community. Thank you for the laughs, and the friendships and the ability to walk again. I will never forget what you have done for me.
January 31, 2013 at 6:15 pm
Wait, about that last thing…
January 31, 2013 at 6:23 pm
Regretsy helped me get over my fear of heroin. I’m shooting-up at a 10th grade level now! Thanks, regretsy!
January 31, 2013 at 7:14 pm
Zippy, Regretsy folks chipped in to get leg braces for her. The community is pretty awesome that way.
January 31, 2013 at 8:09 pm
Okay, I might have actually started crying with that one.
January 31, 2013 at 8:18 pm
Without context that was a bit of a shocker. I salute all of the FJL’s who attained victory alongside Toomanycats. Congratulations!
January 31, 2013 at 8:53 pm
We covered the spectrum fellow FJLs from helping people to walk to granting final wishes of spending eternity in the TARDIS. And during that journey we had an incredible detour to Tokyo Delves and I raise a saki bomb to the good times and the good people! SAKI BOMB! SAKI BOMB!
January 31, 2013 at 8:59 pm
We’re so happy for you. That was so great, and I loved the pictures you posted.
January 31, 2013 at 6:04 pm
I’ve only been posting in the forums for a while now, but I’m sad that there won’t be anymore posts here. Thank you for everything, April, Bronc, & Crochet.
CF4L!
January 31, 2013 at 6:05 pm
January 31, 2013 at 6:06 pm
Best snark ever. CF4L
January 31, 2013 at 6:06 pm
I read that butthurt as if I were watching an episode of Sockpuppet Theater–even funnier!
Glad you had the Anne Frank joke as the last, to go out with a bang. (If she’d died in an explosion, that would have been a great joke. Damn those Nazis!)
An era is truly ending tonight. I’m glad to have been part of it. My vocabulary has grown to include: bajingo, butthurt, goatse, douchecanoe, and twatwaffle. My previously demented sense of humor reached new & dizzying depths–and I found handcarts full of people just like me, rattling down the tracks to Hell. Regretsy has added dimensions to my personality that heretofore were only possible with serious drugs.
How can I ever thank you? That’s a rhetorical question. Just guzzle some NyQuil & pass out before I post a clip of Jerry Lewis singing “You’ll Never Walk Alone” (he’s such a bastard–NONE of those kids would ever be walking, period).
Thanks for letting us into your lives, and not taking out a restraining order.
January 31, 2013 at 7:16 pm
Mugsy, you are so awesome. oxoxo
January 31, 2013 at 7:20 pm
Right back at ya, Kniti! <3
January 31, 2013 at 7:25 pm
I love you Mugsy!! MWAH!!!!!!!!!
January 31, 2013 at 7:49 pm
*snuggles BGS* <3
January 31, 2013 at 6:06 pm
I haven’t posted in forever. Actually just caught your “last post” bit on Facebook. Just wanted to say thank you, April. This place was a freaking laugh-riot, and we’re lucky to have had you entertain us.
January 31, 2013 at 6:43 pm
Oh damn! I forgot to thank Bronc and Crochet, too.
Stay awesome, y’all. But not too awesome – leave some for the rest of us. ; )
January 31, 2013 at 9:01 pm
This is the first time I saw your avatar and realized it’s not Elaine Stritch.
February 1, 2013 at 6:25 pm
Darn it. I’m just now realizing that all this time I could have used Elaine Stritch as an avatar.
I consider it a lost opportunity. ; )
January 31, 2013 at 6:06 pm
Damn- it’s for real- a combination of a funeral and Graduation Day as the grieving band of only slightly drunk FJL’s is reluctantly unloosed upon an unsuspecting and unready world. And all sorts of fuckery will follow.
Seriously April- I want to thank you as strongly as I can for this. Finding a place where my twisted, pun loving sense of humour was considered normal and appreciated was wonderful. And no matter how stressful or bad things were I could always find something here to laugh at. It kept me sane during some rough times.
Best of luck in all your future projects- you more than deserve it.
January 31, 2013 at 6:07 pm
Regretsy will always have a special place in my sick, dark little heart, and so will all of you. I think I should go tragicraft through booze now.
January 31, 2013 at 6:07 pm
April, thank you for all the laughs these past few years. While I’d prefer if Regretsy kept on going, I guess it’s better to go out on your own terms rather than overstaying your welcome. Your snarky humor will be missed. (And I’m sure you don’t remember it, but I still think it was pretty cool that you commented on a Facebook photo of my daughter’s first lost tooth with “Barfight?”) Best of luck with your future projects.
Kris
January 31, 2013 at 6:07 pm
Oi! A thought: where are us FJL’s gonna congregate now?
January 31, 2013 at 6:21 pm
The forums!
January 31, 2013 at 6:25 pm
Fantastic! See you there.
January 31, 2013 at 6:08 pm
Thank you, April. Thank you, FJLs.
When I lost my job, about the time you started this site, coming here was often the only thing I could do to be happy. It’s been a wild ride!
January 31, 2013 at 6:09 pm
Hey, CF4L’ers! This is Tashi (washandtashi.blogspot.com) the one who asked you all last year to help me find/make a TARDIS shaped urn for my husband, Wash.
I don’t have enough space to really thank you all here, but thank you. From the bottom of my heart, you reached out to give a dying kid/young adult some measure of comfort before his death.
He loved every card, and every kind wish. The TARDIS card signed by the Doctor Who cast was something he looked at every day he was alive.
There are lots of laughs here, lots of jokes. But you have done some wonderful things as well, things that have changed people’s lives.
You Fuckers are amazing.
Thank you for everything.
[I like to think he's happy inside of it now, on adventures]
January 31, 2013 at 7:02 pm
Oh shit, there you go making my eyes leak and shit!
(((((((HUGS)))))))
January 31, 2013 at 8:57 pm
Shaddup, KB, you heartless bitch .. and pass the Kleenex. *sniff*
January 31, 2013 at 9:14 pm
Send ‘em over here when you have a second.
January 31, 2013 at 9:17 pm
Save a few for me. When people asked me what April’s Army was, I always told them the story of the urn and the card and every time, I teared up. For a group of folks who got called every name in the book, we sure worked hard and got a lot done for some really awesome and deserving people.
January 31, 2013 at 9:33 pm
This is the greatest tribute that can be given, Aproposohno. It’s funny to think how much joy and peace Regretsy brought to a lot of people. Considering we’re often assholes in normal life.
January 31, 2013 at 6:09 pm
On the reals, Regretsy was the first time I, like many others, felt comfortable letting my freak flag fly. I desperately needed this outlet, and what came out of it was a passion for children’s literature, ironically enough. I’m about to have several short children’s stories published in a nationally syndicated magazine (for the first time!), and I feel like I owe that to Regretsy, in a way. Again, Regretsy gave me a place to work out all my bitchiness and feel like it was okay. And from there, my mind almost became a clean slate to create…for kids! Who’d have thunk it! Thank you, April. You were an inspiration. Hell…you are an inspiration. Thank you.
You bitch.
January 31, 2013 at 7:37 pm
Damn it face, stop leaking.
January 31, 2013 at 8:40 pm
The leaking is magical. GOD DAMMIT NOW I’M LEAKING TOO.
January 31, 2013 at 6:09 pm
Thanks to everyone; staff, commenters and assorted whackadoos who made me laugh until I cried (or at least made that unattractive snorting sound) on countless occasions.
January 31, 2013 at 6:11 pm
While I’ve been a longtime Regretsy reader, I have never actually commented on anything. Regretsy always gave me so many reasons to yell “WHAT THE HELL YOU HAVE TO COME SEE THIS” at my husband, it was fantastic, I loved to see the horror on his face.
And so many comment writers made me laugh, where will I ever find a more witty group to read?!
So long Regretsy, and thanks for all the fish!
January 31, 2013 at 7:39 pm
“…where will I ever find a more witty group to read?!”
Stick with us, Kid, we’re goin’ places:
forums.regretsy.com
aprilwinchell.com
sockpuppettheatre.com
January 31, 2013 at 9:07 pm
http://winningateverything.com/
January 31, 2013 at 9:09 pm
Guess I should posting more over there.
January 31, 2013 at 9:30 pm
Damn skippy
January 31, 2013 at 9:38 pm
Every day without seeing a new Winning At Everything is the opposite of that.
January 31, 2013 at 10:20 pm
Oh, I feel bad about not mentioning WAE in the above post. I’m sorry.
January 31, 2013 at 7:56 pm
Nooooooo……
As a husband who is familiar with this phenomena, the true horror is now my wife will have to troll for this kind of wonderfully horrific feces. I’m not looking forward to Wing, the Star Wars Christmas special and other web torture, not filtered with April’s twisted sense of humor.(kind of like getting used to the horrible puns in her crossword puzzles)
January 31, 2013 at 6:11 pm
Dang. I’ll miss the site, but will keep stalking April’s other projects.
January 31, 2013 at 6:12 pm
Fare thee well, you jealous fat losers. I’ll miss you.
January 31, 2013 at 6:13 pm
Aww. Sad times!
Because of Regretsy, I got a cool box of stuff from a guy named Yngve from the Norwegialand. Because of Regretsy, I gave my mom a pair of shorts that looked like they’d been peed in. Because of Regretsy, I bought a book that made me laugh and laugh.. and laugh, til I almost peed my pants (which I could’ve then sold on Etsy!!!)
But most of all, because of Regretsy, I know how truly awesome and generous people can be while still maintaining their wit, sarcasm and snark – my favorite traits!
WE LOVE YOU REGRETSY, 4-LYFE!
<3 Robin and Pancreatic Cancer Boy (Jason)
January 31, 2013 at 6:13 pm
Thanks for all the fun and fuckery. I’m going to miss the updates, but I’m proud to know I was a part of something special. Also, something “special.”
I don’t have a special farewell image to post, so I’m just going to post the Blingee KKK again. Close enough to Nazis, right?
January 31, 2013 at 6:16 pm
CF4L, FJLs. It’s the end of an era.
January 31, 2013 at 7:41 pm
No… it’s the dawning of a new era!
January 31, 2013 at 6:16 pm
Well April, you daughter of a Nazi Hammas agent….
I hope you don’t get your hand stuck in some god awful ventriloquists dummy. That’s what you do right? Or something with Army boots? I don’t know.
I mean…outside of kicking puppies and drinking the blood of kittens…you media controlling bitch.
In seriousness…
Thanks for everything.
And who am I kidding…I really kind of do hope you get your hand stuck in a ventriloquist dummy. That’s comedy gold right there. They gave someone an Emmy for that, didn’t they?
In summary, CF4L.
January 31, 2013 at 6:17 pm
I am really going to miss you mocking the seller profies. Nothing is more hilarious than a huge weirdo who thinks they are talented or interesting simply because they’re weird as fuck. Give me a little hope on this dark day, Helen, that maybe someday in the distant future, if you see something keen enough, you’ll throw us a teeny tiny Regretsy-style post on your new website….? Please?
January 31, 2013 at 9:04 pm
It could happen.
February 1, 2013 at 6:00 pm
phew.
January 31, 2013 at 6:17 pm
To the Forums, chucklefucks!
http://forums.regretsy.com/
January 31, 2013 at 6:18 pm
I’m going to cry big hellephant tears into my Regretsy tarot deck. Farewell, sweet Regretsy. <3
January 31, 2013 at 6:20 pm
Nooooooooooooooo!:’(
January 31, 2013 at 6:20 pm
i’ll miss regretsy. your pill-swilling, booze-chewing sense of humor fits mine like some puzzle metaphor or something. i mean, i don’t give two shits about crafting, and yet i know what the fuck a swarovski is! YOU HAVE CHANGED ME.
best of all possible futures to you, your family, and all your future fuckery.
love, rat
January 31, 2013 at 6:20 pm
This fuckery, whimsicle it is not. And I guess this means no GOT recaps?????? Wahhhhhh. Thank ya’ll though for the laughs and much luck to be you having in the future.
January 31, 2013 at 7:47 pm
Perhaps with sufficient encouragement, John will decide to start something new, or expand WAE. April and John aren’t going away, they’re just doing new things. And really, after Baligate, there really ISN’T anything left to say about Etsy.
January 31, 2013 at 6:20 pm
To quote Rodney Dangerfield, who might have appreciated your site immensely, “I was such an ugly baby, my mother NEVER breast-fed me. She told me she only liked me as a friend.” Though something cynical and snarky should be inserted at this juncture, I just want to say thanks for many needed laugh-until-I cried posts on Regresty. You left nothing sacred (thank god!)
January 31, 2013 at 6:22 pm
I’m going to pour some good booze into my Regretsy flask and then pour some out in commemoration. Not very much though. That would not be in keeping with the teachings of Our Lady of Fuckery. I hope all the good you did comes back on you a hundredfold, you awful cunt.
January 31, 2013 at 8:28 pm
Where are my manners? I hope the good all of you did through O.L.of F.comes back on the lot of yaz a hundredfold.
I love you guys.
January 31, 2013 at 9:06 pm
“May all the good you did come back on you a hundredfold, you awful cunt.”
I’m going to need that on a sampler.
January 31, 2013 at 11:06 pm
And I’m going to need a picture of that sampler for the dust jacket of my unauthorized biography “April Winchell: The Craft Whore Years”. So somebody better fire up the knitmatic.
February 1, 2013 at 12:00 am
Or the Crochetmatron. I have no idea what I’m talking about.
February 1, 2013 at 7:21 am
What about the cross-stitchararium?
January 31, 2013 at 6:23 pm
helluva way to exit, Helen, helluva way to go. just drop that glitter covered mike on the stage and walk off.
*slow claps*
January 31, 2013 at 6:23 pm
Tell us you’re not really going to crease and desist?
A sunray-pleated future to you all.
January 31, 2013 at 6:23 pm
I kind of wondered if you were going to move on, when you brought in Crochet Guevara to cover posts and announced the creation of Sockpuppet Theatre. I guess all good things have to come to an end. Regretsy will be missed.
January 31, 2013 at 7:51 pm
Turn out the lights, the party’s over…
January 31, 2013 at 8:58 pm
All good things must come to an end; it’s the things that suck that go on and on and on.
January 31, 2013 at 6:24 pm
LAAAAAAAAAAMMMEEE. Going to be so boring without regretsy
And just to spite you all I’m going to go breastfeed my circumcised son formula straight from my tit while I neglect to shave half my body. Probably the left side, just to fuck with you while I do my makeup like the best show girl in Vegas.
January 31, 2013 at 6:26 pm
Jumping on the bandwagon of useless comments, I’m just here to write how much I’ve loved reading regretsy this years and how inspiring you are April, for using your readership to positively affect people’s lives via charity and the like
You’re awesome!!
January 31, 2013 at 6:28 pm
Thank you Helen and
Bronc and Che and all of your assorted friends who made Regretsy such a wonderful place to visit every day.
Good luck to all.
I will stalk you Helen.
Also I will be over in the forums. thank you Keymaster for that and so much more!
January 31, 2013 at 7:54 pm
If it weren’t for Regretsy I wouldn’t have met Jean. She’s a righteous bitchfatjealousloserwhore if ever there was one.
January 31, 2013 at 6:29 pm
Regretsy has been beautiful and hilarious place to be, and I wish you all the best in your future endeavors.
January 31, 2013 at 6:29 pm
I’m involved in the atheist/skeptic community, and I see such horrible infighting, over feminism, how some women are bullied and harassed, and how some women call other women “victim blamers” and have big dramatic meltdowns and block them on Twitter…and I come here and nobody gives a fucking shit who calls who a cunt. There’s been battles, and I was besieged once over a horribly misstated comment that came out all wrong…oy. But when all was said and done, it was a solid community, and even if I was on the fringes, I liked it. So long, and thanks for all the fuckery. I’ll always laugh when I see a California milk commercial, and think of you as a friend.
January 31, 2013 at 7:10 pm
And just to throw that out of there…it’s probably the UNluck of the draw, but every anti-circumcision activist I’ve ever talked to in person (only a handful, and only the ones who identified as such), were fucking nutcases. One claimed to remember being circumcised when he was three DAYS old. (There’s always the possibility that I unknowingly spoke to perfectly nice sane ones.) Breastfeeding is something people get worked up over, and body hair…sheesh…the Unshorn Sisters of the Apocalypse will never give you peace over that. Y’know, do what’s cool for you, but don’t give me shit, OK?
February 1, 2013 at 7:29 am
The unshorn sisters of the apocalypse? That’s actually a thing?? Heh. Sounds like comedy gold to me.
February 1, 2013 at 10:15 am
It’s from an old “Bloom County” strip. I recall a joke on that strip about “a fine head of hair on those legs” and then a spokeslady for the Unshorn Sisters of the Apocalypse showing up, with legs like a Wookiee, and a dead-serious expression, snarling, “Stereotypes, the language of hate…” Cracked me up, still does. And I’ve seen it, where an unshaven woman shrieks at a shaven one that she’s following societal rules, wants men to find her attractive, etc., and won’t even begin to take into consideration that the shaven lady is perfectly empowered and informed and shaves because she fucking chooses to. It’s tribalism, pure and simple.
January 31, 2013 at 6:29 pm
You will be sorely missed, Regretsy. But dang, what a post to end with. XD
January 31, 2013 at 6:31 pm
This site was an amazing source of head-shaking hilarity, as well as an inspiration to all of us who could never quite manage to be as scathing as we thought we should. Thank you for everything, April. I will treasure my copy of your book forever, especially now that it can be considered an epic piece of history, and my future children shall know of you and all the whimsicle fuckery.
January 31, 2013 at 6:32 pm
Club fuckery for death!
January 31, 2013 at 6:32 pm
I’m so very sorry to see the site go dark. There have been so many, many times when lurking or commenting on the posts here have gotten me through some incredibly dark days. I’ll miss your humor, your insight, and your drunken cookery experiments.
January 31, 2013 at 6:40 pm
Remember that fabulous flag cake she made one July 4?
January 31, 2013 at 8:11 pm
going to miss you, mugsy
January 31, 2013 at 8:46 pm
Aw, thanks! *hugs RevW* Aren’t you going to be in the forums? I haven’t been there for a long time, but I’m definitely going back.
January 31, 2013 at 9:53 pm
I was almost pissing myself over that flag cake post. The photos, the narration. If Martha Stewart had that kind of comedic timing she’d have a bigger network than Oprah. (and would probably still be in jail.)
January 31, 2013 at 6:33 pm
Life hasn’t been the same the past month since the fb site has been down–now the end of the blog. I will miss the daily helping of snark.
January 31, 2013 at 6:33 pm
Thank you for being awesome and cheering me and my wife up on many dreary days in Seattle! And thanks for showing me this: http://www.regretsy.com/2012/04/02/5-more-women-with-stupid-shit-on-their-heads/
I added the crocodile head dress to my favorites on etsy, and my wife bought it for me for Christmas! I’m wearing it to our ReWeddinging in April, where we will become legally married 2 weeks before our 7 year wedding anniversary! And, I will not be shaving my armpits for the wedding, again, (trimming, yes), but don’t worry, that doesn’t mean I’ll ever post my hairy euro dyke pits on etsy when I’m trying to sell something. Well, maybe if I label it CF4L I might…And thank you all, the community has been awesome! Where else could I have found someone to knit snake head socks for my wife’s funky buniony feet? Namaste Bitches!
January 31, 2013 at 6:33 pm
I blame Regretsy for catapulting Molly Soda, hairy pits and all, to fame.
January 31, 2013 at 6:36 pm
I also blame Regretsy for adding the words bajingo, vagoo, and vajazzling to my vocabulary. Ditto flouncing. Ditto whimsicle fuckery.
January 31, 2013 at 6:34 pm
Okay, seeing as how it’s the last one, let’s start some shit. I submit that circumcision prevents many common infections, and in general is beneficial to the health of a male human throughout its lifespan. It also aids in hygiene and is, in general, a much better idea than the nose-ring he’ll get when he’s 17.
Breastfeeding is… well… natural. Formula, too, is food. Both keep a micro-human from dying. I think cow’s milk is delicious.
As for body hair, both genders are free to do what they want, but if you have some whack-ass shrubbery that looks like a tarantula creeping out of your crevices, scale that shit back a bit, men AND women alike.
There you go. Trolls, assemble!
January 31, 2013 at 7:59 pm
HN5:
1. Uncut penises are sexy.
2. Boobs are delicious.
3. I’m too lazy to shave except for special occasions.
January 31, 2013 at 8:03 pm
Awesome. ; )
January 31, 2013 at 6:37 pm
Where the fuck are the glitter tears for Anne’s haircut?
^This is the only place I could say that sentence.
January 31, 2013 at 6:37 pm
I sincerely hope someone takes this opportunity to do some Regretsy-End-of-Days Tragicrafting. All wounds heal with glitter.
NEVER FORGET!!!
January 31, 2013 at 8:02 pm
Get thee to the forums. There’s a thread about doing just that, maybe selling the resulting items to contribute to April’s general fund.
January 31, 2013 at 6:38 pm
You once listed my rustic beeswax candles in a “things that look like turds” post. Your loyal fans visited the fuck out of my etsy shop (mdesignboutique) and I am forever grateful. More than any other achievement I am proudest that Regretsy acknowledged my turd-like candles. Also, I think I did pretty well in the hat contest, which I sold in my Etsy shop to a guy who bought the shittiest chainsaw sculpture known to man from my ex-boyfriend like 15 years ago. His collection of crap would dazzle the most discerning turd lover. Adeiu, dear Regretsy. The world is better that you exist. Stay gold.
January 31, 2013 at 8:04 pm
I adore the posts I’ve been seeing from featured sellers who enjoyed the attention and didn’t get butthurt, or if they did, they got over it.
January 31, 2013 at 6:40 pm
So long, Helen Killlller*
I can’t believe your site is gone so soon.
It makes me want to swoon,
so soon, so soon, so soon.
I’ll remember Helen Killlller,
all of those days of fuckery from dusk to dawn
I never laughed so long, so long, so long.
Tragicrafting may come
And Tragicrafting may go
and now we’ll never hear your point of view.
When my glitter tears run dry,
I’ll stop a while and think of you.
I’ll remember Helen Killlller,
all of those days of fuckery from dusk to dawn
I never laughed so long,
so long,
so long.
NAMASTE BITCHES!
*(you need to scoop a little on “”Killer” to make the count turn out right)
January 31, 2013 at 6:43 pm
Oh April, Bronc, Crochet and the fabulous community of FJL’s on the forums, how I will miss you all. I may not have ventured into the big wide world of commenting much (having only commented once), but you guys were a solid rock of laughs and fuckery whenever I needed to get away from it all and renew my faith in humanity. You all made my day so many times and saw me through so many dark days that I lost count years ago…all without even knowing it! So, on that note, thanks for the laughs and April, thanks for everything. You give hope to many and laughs to all. Snark on!
January 31, 2013 at 6:44 pm
by an odd coincidence, my hair looks exactly like anne frank’s today.
thanks for all the hilarity and friends.
January 31, 2013 at 6:45 pm
Thank you for the pie, Karen.
January 31, 2013 at 6:45 pm
You guys know what this means, right? FLOUNCE CATS. AND GIF PARTY. Or “partay”. Your choice. Seriously though, thanks for everything, you crazy kids. HKpril, Bronc, Crochet, and all the FJLs (lurkers and all): you all have made me laugh so much these past few years, especially when I needed it the most.
I did not create this one, but love it so much.
CF4L, losers.
January 31, 2013 at 6:54 pm
Well, I forgot how large those first two flounce cat images were, so posted the wrong code. Oops.
January 31, 2013 at 8:34 pm
I never got to flaunt my username, mostly because I am great at lurking and awful at snarking. But I will love flounce cats until the day I die.
January 31, 2013 at 7:51 pm
@DeathbyCupcakes -Great array of images. My S.O. just guffawed at Alphabet Soup Shit Argument Cat, and might have snorted his beer.
PLZ!! Remind me how to successfully post an image here? So I don’t have gibberish and no pic (clearly you are dialed in with this, so I bow and scrape in this request). Thank you!
January 31, 2013 at 8:35 pm
I just use the code link on Photobucket for forums and such. Flickr has one too that’s easy to use. You use the code with the and NOT [ ] for here. An easy way to post a pic is
but make sure there isn’t a space between the ” and the image location. I hope this makes sense. My head is fuzzy right now from weather and allergies.
Also, drinking while reading anything on Regeretsy is not wise. Your monitor may not like you.
January 31, 2013 at 8:47 pm
just stole that alphabet soup image… I will find an appropriate time to wield its awesome and will think of you FJLs
January 31, 2013 at 6:45 pm
I’m going to be a jerk and stick this here so it’s archived forever, along with my technicolor legs ;P
And now I’ll go sob quietly into a bottle of oxycodone. See you in the forums, you sick bastards.
January 31, 2013 at 8:02 pm
They are just the goddamn best.
January 31, 2013 at 8:07 pm
Damn, that picture just warms my heart.
January 31, 2013 at 8:18 pm
That is a beautiful picture.
January 31, 2013 at 9:09 pm
Great picture – thanks!
January 31, 2013 at 9:10 pm
HOLY SHIT THAT’S HOT
January 31, 2013 at 9:16 pm
I feel like I want to frame this, display it in my house, and pretend that I’m related to them… WHAT?
Fastastic photograph, Misery!
January 31, 2013 at 9:59 pm
My heart (or something) just grew 3 sizes this day.
January 31, 2013 at 10:44 pm
I’d come between ‘em, if you know what I mean.
February 1, 2013 at 12:25 am
Awww, this gives me warm fuzzes! You are just the best people. I’m so glad I got to meet you both. This site has changed my life, seriously, and for the positive. I can’t wait to see the next chapter! XOXOXOLove you guys so much!
January 31, 2013 at 6:46 pm
I FUCKING LOVE ALL OF YOU CRAZIES.
Except you. Just…ugh. JUST STOP.
January 31, 2013 at 6:47 pm
CUNT! What the SHIT??!
January 31, 2013 at 6:51 pm
I’m crying into my wine, I can’t believe that I will have to be a FJL somewhere else now
January 31, 2013 at 6:51 pm
DAMMIT. WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK???
Say it ain’t so
January 31, 2013 at 6:52 pm
That.is.beautiful.
Thanks for introducing me to whimsicle fuckery!
Namaste Regretsy
January 31, 2013 at 6:53 pm
I don’t have the time to read these comments to see if someone already made this point, but WHAT ABOUT HOBO WEDDINGS?!?
January 31, 2013 at 6:53 pm
OMmFG, I’m so so saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!!!!! Now I’m not going to have anything to show Geek when he says “Stop fucking cackling, you’re going to wake up the kids and you’re frightening the damn cats.”
January 31, 2013 at 6:55 pm
And, farther down on the list: Poverty-themed weddings. Tacky cultural appropriation of Native Americans. Tragi-crafting with heavy copyright infringement. Crafts made of bodily secretions and human organs.
Ugh – no more Regretsy? – I guess I’ll have to find other things to do in my spare time, like making placenta soufflé, polishing my granite countertops and taking those tantric spinning lessons on a seatless bicycle. Oh well – I’m sure gonna miss all you wonderful FJLs. it’s been a great “ride,” as they say.
January 31, 2013 at 6:55 pm
I was going to link I will always love you buuuuut this is Regretsy so
/hold up boombox
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppOu3ogzL-M
January 31, 2013 at 6:55 pm
Thank you for all the laughs and tears and laughs thru tears. It’s been such an absolute pleasure.
January 31, 2013 at 6:56 pm
IF YOU WANT TO TAKE AWAY SOMEONES RIGHT TO SUCK ON A TIT, I WANT TO TAKE AWAY YOUR RIGHT TO BREATHE.
January 31, 2013 at 10:02 pm
LeTitsNow!
- Bing Crosby
January 31, 2013 at 11:48 pm
You got downthumbed, Z, but I made it right. Just before closing time.
January 31, 2013 at 6:59 pm
Aw, shit. I’d just stepped away for a minute, and now it’s all over?!
Thanks for the laughs, nightmares, and one crazy evening of drag queens, Chinese food, and lap dances.
MMMMWAH!
January 31, 2013 at 7:00 pm
You all have made me laugh, so hard that my dogs have looked at me funny.
Occasionally you made me cry (one time you made me sob like like a newly circumcised baby in front of my computer).
I haven’t commented much (or ever- I’m a lurker), but it’s been wonderful to see how awesome all you fat jealous losers are.
Helen (April), I will miss this site and the hilarity that it’s brought me.
~a
January 31, 2013 at 7:01 pm
Glitter tears… I’m going to miss Regretsy. I spent many a night rolling through these posts, waking my family up at 2am laughing hysterically. Job well done, HK! I’ll miss reading all of the comments as well. What a great community this has been! Thanks for the laughs and glitter tears.
January 31, 2013 at 7:01 pm
It’s been a long while since I last commented, though I’ve still be reading the posts. I had to login again to add my voice to the final hurrah. April, you truly opened my eyes to the horrors in the dark recesses of Etsy, and fuckery in general.
Thank you for making this wonderful place!!! CF4L!
January 31, 2013 at 7:01 pm
*Raises his own bottle of off-brand NyQuil*
Namaste, fabulous bitch-queen of whimsickle fuckery! Thanks for all the laughs and the unforgettable horrors. All my love and well-wishes, from the bottom of my snarky black heart.
January 31, 2013 at 7:02 pm
I just realized Regretsy lasted far longer than most blogs, or TV shows, for that matter. It’s like The Dark Side of the Moon of comedy blogs.
January 31, 2013 at 7:29 pm
@Lemon_B -Jeebus, I am having serious Floyd upwellings. Nice ‘shop work.
January 31, 2013 at 8:12 pm
COTD
January 31, 2013 at 7:02 pm
Oh hell, I’m just going to thumbs up everything while I’m here, no matter how suck.
January 31, 2013 at 7:07 pm
Hahaha! I was in the middle of doing the exact same thing.
January 31, 2013 at 7:03 pm
April, just KEEP IT TIGHT AND BRIGHT!
dammit, where’s my Nyquil? I got the sniffles.
January 31, 2013 at 7:05 pm
I discovered Regretsy (thanks, Dylan) a week before my dad died, which was three months after my mom died and the same day a customer called me a fucking cunt on the phone. Catharsis is where you find it. I will always take pride in having a family epithet included in the swear like a sailor glossary and a comment garner 200 likes. Bless your twisted and blackened heart. Namaste, bitch. And thanks for giving me opportunities to donate to deserving folks. Its a lesson not forgotten.
January 31, 2013 at 7:05 pm
i love you helen, you crazy bitch. i live practically alone, save for my emotionally distant cat and even more emotionally distant craphouse of a husband and laughing at these posts was the highlight of…. aw fuck i can’t even finish that sentence.
here’s a picture of said husband with doing a goatsie in lidl… do you have lidl in the US? you should. it’s what ‘people of walmart’ in 3D would like if you were on acid.
January 31, 2013 at 7:29 pm
No Lidl in the States- and from the look of their website I think people would pay to keep it that way…
Where’s the People of Lidl website-so we can compare the finer points of the chav lifestyle on both sides of the Pond?
January 31, 2013 at 7:06 pm
Thank you…HKpril, Bronc, and all you crazy fuckers who have made this so much fun. The rest of the world is going to have to absorb my leftover snark now!
January 31, 2013 at 7:17 pm
I wish I could remember what led me here, how I even found out about Regretsy. The first post I read was Calling All Craftards back on Oct. 1, 2010 and this site was on my daily rounds from then on.
April, you’ve made my days better, plain and simple. You, John, Crochet, and many many of the commenters here have made me laugh so hard I thought I might crack a rib. Or at least fart really loud.
Some CF4L posts did explode coffee from my nose.
Thanks for the joy and the charity sales; I loved buying from those and those items all are treasured fuckery in my office now.
I’ll miss Regretsy terribly but I love SPT and am looking forward to aprilwinchell.com and all its glorious fun and fuckery.
Thanks again.
January 31, 2013 at 7:20 pm
*salute* Fare thee well, April, our most honored curator of whimsical fuckery. I wish you well on Sock Puppet Theater and all of the other awesome shit that I am sure you have planned.
This place has made me laugh so hard that my insides hurt.
Love,
a FJL
January 31, 2013 at 7:25 pm
To somewhat quote workaholics: Hate to see you go, but love to watch you butt as you walk away.
This says it all.
CF4L
January 31, 2013 at 7:26 pm
I feel like somebody just broke up with me. Dumped.
I won’t be able to look at my Regretsy souvenirs for a while.
I’ll take the CF4L sticker off my car.
Dammit, why don’t you love us any more?!
You’ll always be on my radar, April WInchell.
January 31, 2013 at 7:26 pm
Well… shit.
All good things come to an end, so do snarky twat parades like this one.
Thanks for everything April, John and everyone else as well both on the .com and the forums. I’m glad the forums will stick around at least, and hopefully we can still share a few laughs, drinks and shitpouts.
January 31, 2013 at 7:27 pm
YOU MONKEY’S BUTT HOW DARE YOU GO AND DO YOUR “OWN” PROJECTS INSTEAD OF STAYING HERE AND ENTERTAINING ME DON’T YOU HAVE PRIORITIES YOU FAT JEALOUS LOSER YOU’RE VIOLATING MY FIRST AMENDMENT I’MMA SIC MY LAWYER ON YOU AND TALK SHIT ABOUT YOU ON TWITTER IF I HAD A TWITTER WHICH I DON’T YOU EVIL WENCH I HATE YOU HOW DARE YOU LEAVE ME WHARRGARBLE!!!!!!!!!!
*sob* don’t go, please don’t go . . .
January 31, 2013 at 7:27 pm
THANK YOU!!! You brought me many hours of entertaining fuckery and while I am sad to see you go, I know all good things must come to an end. CF4L, yo. CF4L.
January 31, 2013 at 7:30 pm
I am really fucking crying over this. I will miss you so much April. You already know how much the help you so graciously gave me meant to me…you helped me and how much I love you for that and for YOU…The laughs, the hysterical laughter and the belonging I felt here. I LOVE YOU APRIL!!!!
January 31, 2013 at 7:44 pm
Oh wait!! What I am suppose to do with my huge folder of Regretsy images!!! Here is one I hope you’ll always remember…
January 31, 2013 at 7:31 pm
Thanks Regretsy for the laughs, April’s Army and two Christmases of the most amazing craziness I’ve ever experienced.
You let AngeliaChristineBridal place sharp sticks with sparkles in the hands of drunks, you helped me get my mom to cancer treatments and celebrated when I told you she was cancer free and I cannot tell you how many letters and photos I’ve cried over with the Santa letters.
Thanks to Regretsy I got to tell small children they weren’t getting a puppy for Christmas or to quit doing that thing that grosses mom out without sounding like a huge ass, even though I was being the most famous asshole in the world.
Regretsy is on my son’s resume as a volunteer activity and he loves explaining Regretsy in interviews.
And most of all, you’ve given me tittersmilk. Tittersmilk is my go to sassy word now.
TL:DR: Thanks for tittersmilk and shit.
January 31, 2013 at 8:18 pm
“You let AngeliaChristineBridal place sharp sticks with sparkles in the hands of drunks”
This actually made me snort-laugh in such a way that I ended up with spit on my chin. I was there. But I swear I didn’t impale anyone.
January 31, 2013 at 11:36 pm
That I make you slobber all over yourself without having to flash you fills me with a gloating warmth; not in my neither regions but my cold, bitter heart.
January 31, 2013 at 7:31 pm
I’ll have you know that I just went to bookmark your website and spell check turned your last name to “win hell” I thought you would like that. Thank you for all the truly laugh out loud moments. You are the best.
January 31, 2013 at 7:33 pm
The first post I ever saw was the one of the Twilight sneakers on September 27, 2009.
What a ride.
Thank you.
Good night, good night
Until dawn’s first light
Then let us be on our way
In the light of the new day
January 31, 2013 at 9:17 pm
That was the very first post! You’ve been here from DAY ONE!
January 31, 2013 at 10:11 pm
I thought Al Gore created this internet shit all together at once in the 90′s in “The Big Bung”.
February 1, 2013 at 6:02 am
Oh wow, I didn’t even realize that was the earliest post. I remember coming across a link someone posted, saying “You gotta see this!” The rest, as they say, is history.
February 1, 2013 at 8:05 am
Holy shit, that’s my birthday. This site started on my birthday???
January 31, 2013 at 7:33 pm
It has been one hell of a long, strange trip that created an amazing community of like-minded people here on Regretsy. I’ve enjoyed all of it mostly as a lurker, pissing my pants laughing at the crazy comedy that was both the blog posts and comments.
Helen and Bronc, you go gurls. The two of you built something amazing, and it is wonderful to see that you’re both busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
So long and thanks for all of the Namaste, bitches!
CF4l!
January 31, 2013 at 7:43 pm
Well, I was going to post one last image, and call it a night.
However, as I was uploading it to tinypic (I learned what happens when I point Regretsians at an image hosted on my own site) I got this as a captcha, and thought it was so much better than what I was going to post that I just had to upload it, instead.
Even tinypic knows.
January 31, 2013 at 9:18 pm
love.
January 31, 2013 at 7:43 pm
“By now you probably know…”
WHAT? NO. WHAT?
I FUCKING TURN MY BACK FOR ONE SECOND (okay some days)
AND THIS HAPPENS
OH GOD
REST IN PEACE YOU BEAUTIFUL BASTARD
January 31, 2013 at 8:25 pm
Okay after my outburst
I would like to go back and say some real words that aren’t yelling:
I kind of figured out that this was coming up eventually, but I hadn’t thought it would be anywhere near now. Thank you for letting us know what’s going on, and going out spectacularly instead of fading out and leaving us to wonder. And thanks for leaving up the site, and the forums.
More importantly, thank you April and Bronc SO DAMN MUCH for the laughs, the jokes, the memes, the charity work, the community. You are a brilliant creative force; I’ll always keep a spot for you in my heart and an eye on your projects. An appreciative and only kind-of creepy eye.
I wish you all the best of luck
and I salute you
you classy fucking fuckers <3
January 31, 2013 at 7:45 pm
So, I went to an art exhibition a few days ago. I can’t say I was too interested in it, I mean it was just a bunch of paintings of dead people… Well, they weren’t dead when they were painted obviously. That’d be much more interesting. And I came across this painting.
I was immediately reminded of this post http://www.regretsy.com/2011/11/28/look-at-me-damn-it-3/ and had to laugh. The text accompanying the portrait commented on how unusual it was to have a portrait of the person not looking at the painter. Hipsters have been around forever, protesting against mainstream portrait poses.
The moral of this story is that Regretsy has totally permeated my life. In a good way. I can’t go to an art gallery or drive past the car down the road (it’s number plate has “FJL” in it) without thinking of this site. So thank you for everything.
January 31, 2013 at 7:46 pm
1. every time i pass any kind of letters in a craft store, i consider rearranging them to read CF4L, but in true FJL fashion, i am way too lazy to actually do so.
2. I said thanks and whatnot yesterday, but no really, thanks. you’re freaking hysterical.
3. you’re also awesome. this post is awesome. your totally inappropriate anne frank joke is awesome. psycho crazy lactivists are awesome at being psycho crazy. your mom is awesome.
4. can’t wait to see more stuff from you on your personal site and/or sock puppet theater. <3
January 31, 2013 at 7:48 pm
Oh, I’m totally gonna keep rearranging the letters. Just a little “s’up?” to other FJL’s out there. ; )
January 31, 2013 at 8:33 pm
Our own Secret Tag!
January 31, 2013 at 7:47 pm
I’m going to let the baby finger paint the dog with non toxic kid safe paint in your honor and then zap him once with the garden hose like he likes and have a white sheet ready for him to roll around on which is of course his favorite thing to do when wet and then I’m going to let her get glitter happy with it and then sell it… be on the lookout for “a girl and her dog…the painting” or something to that effect. Happy trails honey you’ve had an awesome site!
January 31, 2013 at 7:48 pm
really… it’s not like she didn’t pet him last week with paint on her hands, lol, love my kiddo and my super awesome tolerant doggie
January 31, 2013 at 8:35 pm
If she invited a friend over, you could call it “2 Girls, 1 Pup”
January 31, 2013 at 7:48 pm
I may as well go to hell with ya! I’ll miss you … please put your weird music site back up!
January 31, 2013 at 7:48 pm
I’m not okay with this.
January 31, 2013 at 8:24 pm
You really do need to use surgical precision if you’re going to attempt an Anne Frank joke. Otherwise you just come off as an asshole.
January 31, 2013 at 9:21 pm
Someone needs to use some surgical precision to fix Herr Frank’s asshole.
Me, I’ve got shaky ass hands.
January 31, 2013 at 8:26 pm
I am.
January 31, 2013 at 7:49 pm
I thought I heard a reference to this earlier but couldn’t confirm it. Why is the site closing? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!
January 31, 2013 at 10:31 pm
To everything there is a season….
January 31, 2013 at 7:50 pm
Glittery tears are running down my feathered face as I pick out just the right quilts to ruin for my wedding decor and ponder the profitability of furniture made from toxic boatwood…while Varga’s beautiful music plays in the background.
It’s been fun. Thanks for the memories.
January 31, 2013 at 7:54 pm
I just I have no words … I lied I have lots of words.
Regretsy you great awesome Bitch in the sky. You were the one who guided me from my innocent naive idiot teen larva into a full blown massive bitch moth from Hell, I love you and will miss you with all my heart.
All the snark all the wit taught me that just because people say I should care about them does not mean I have to.
Your comments showed me how to not take anyone’s shit.
Showed me the difference between talking shit about someone and talking shit about someone who deserves it.
Most importantly your unending snark helped me turn my back on the manipulative son of a bitch that utterly ruined my first three years of college.
Thank You
I will never forgetsy
CF4L!!!!!!!!
January 31, 2013 at 7:54 pm
Sad times indeed. So long and thanks for all the upcycled fish!
January 31, 2013 at 7:54 pm
I will fondly look back at my years in grad school as my CF4L period.
Except for my PhD program. I guess that will be my Sockpuppet Theatre period.
January 31, 2013 at 7:55 pm
It was lovely meeting all of you and coming together for all the funny things our spouses don’t get. I applaud anyone who has the good sense to put an end to an internet phenomena while it is still funny–this would be the first occasion I’ve ever seen it happen.
The folks in this community are truly heartwarming, and I’ll have to stop back by the Forums from time to time to see how things are going.
Namaste, Bitches, Namaste.
January 31, 2013 at 7:56 pm
This is horrible! Where are we going to go to make fun of all the Tragicrafting that will be made when Abe Vigoda finally goes tits up?
January 31, 2013 at 7:59 pm
I wonder if he already has his tombstone carved:
Yes, now I really AM dead!
January 31, 2013 at 7:57 pm
I wanted to simply throw in a “cunt, what the shit” but someone already had! So instead, I’ll take this moment to reflect on my first moment of seeing regretsy first person (instead of Bunnymuffin’s chortling replays over the phone of “YOU’VE GOT TO SEE THIS YOURSELF!”.
So, it took me a while and I eventually shuffled out here and I’ll tell you, it was right straight smack into a wall of unvajazzled vajayjays. Life has never been the same, since. Ever. At all.
Thanks for the laughs (ok, and even the EWWW, WTF moments). See y’all on the flipside if the flipside is remaining live in the forums?
And Bunnymuffin got it right again… where the hell else can you hand sharp pointysticks with bling to a bunch of volatile drunks? Namaste Bitches!
January 31, 2013 at 11:25 pm
We can have our own pointy stick drunk parties and all the cool kids will be there. (We’re still cool right?)
January 31, 2013 at 7:57 pm
January 31, 2013 at 7:59 pm
January 31, 2013 at 8:01 pm
^^^^^ AWESOME!!!!
January 31, 2013 at 8:27 pm
OMG, can I get you to make some of these for the Vegas shindig???
January 31, 2013 at 8:00 pm
You know, sometimes things end horribly, and jewish you could end things on a good note. You guys did it right.
I’ll miss coming in here, spying on the posts and ghosting the comments. Good luck on future endeavors, and good luck with Sockpuppet Theatre. Love it so much.
January 31, 2013 at 8:01 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
January 31, 2013 at 9:24 pm
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Oh man, Josh. I love that you got thumbed down into oblivion.
Thank you for coming to that book signing and auction in NYC with your family. I’ll never forget you three driving all the way out there to watch me be an ass.
xxx
February 1, 2013 at 6:55 am
Mission accomplished.
January 31, 2013 at 8:03 pm
Whiiiine, snifl. Thanks again for this wonderful trip that nobody who missed it is ever going to believe.
January 31, 2013 at 8:03 pm
Finally.. I can post things for sale on Etsy without fear.
Just kidding. I’m too lazy for that kind of shit. I have a store set up but nothing in it.
RIP Regretsy, it was a hell of a ride.
January 31, 2013 at 8:04 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
January 31, 2013 at 8:29 pm
Once an asshole, always an asshole. Buh-bye, bitch.
January 31, 2013 at 9:09 pm
The important thing is that you found a way to make it all about you.
January 31, 2013 at 8:06 pm
I’m gonna miss this place too. I kept on hoping that some of my art would get featured here. I was proud to be one of your fans.
I’ve got nothing snarky to say. RIP Regretsy. See you over on your other blog!
January 31, 2013 at 8:06 pm
Calling people fat, making fun of their personal hygiene — OK, ha ha. But insulting a lady’s hairdo? You really did tread into taboo territory with that one. I wish you luck in the witness protection program.
January 31, 2013 at 8:11 pm
I’m crying glitter tears!
Cf4l
January 31, 2013 at 8:12 pm
April and John, you guys changed my life. I could never thank you enough for the laughter, the tears, the good times and even the bad here and in the forums. I missed you guys while I was away, and I’ll continue to miss you without Regretsy. But I’ll follow where you lead. Especially if it’s somewhere sticky or there’s booze. All my love to you both.
January 31, 2013 at 9:29 pm
ADMIRAL!!!!!!!!!
January 31, 2013 at 9:34 pm
PANTS!!! Girl, I have missed you.
January 31, 2013 at 10:04 pm
Hi, Admiral! I’ve missed you!
January 31, 2013 at 10:27 pm
Hi darkly. It’s been a while. I’ll eventually make my way back to the forums. Hope you’ve been well, love.
January 31, 2013 at 8:12 pm
The best part of the Internet will die at midnight.
May the whimsicle fuckery rise up to meet you
May the fat, jealous losers be ever at your back.
May the Goatse shine warm upon your OOAK, upcycled, multipurpose, steampunk octopus sampler framed with barn wood
And the glitter tears fall softly on your ironic mustache.
And until we meet again,
May hellephant hold you in the hollow of its ear.
January 31, 2013 at 8:12 pm
Smoke ‘em if ya’ got ‘em –Amish Craft Mafia on breaktime
January 31, 2013 at 8:13 pm
-Mangled Irish farewell.
January 31, 2013 at 8:14 pm
My boyfriend needs to be stabmurdered because he talked to me while I was trying to post the farewell above and distracted me to the point where I fucked up the attribute twice. Damn him. I need vodka.
January 31, 2013 at 8:15 pm
I might weep a little I love all you fat jealous losers so much. Farewell Regretsy! It’s been fab
January 31, 2013 at 8:18 pm
I am so beyond sad that this is the last post. This was my favorite distraction during the day, and I will miss the fuckery so much! Best of luck to you
January 31, 2013 at 8:18 pm
Regretsy touched my family’s heart when we needed it most. Helen is amazing. I’ll cherish the friends and enemies I made here and wish everyone not connected outside of the comments the very best. CF4L.
January 31, 2013 at 8:19 pm
NOOoooOO!
*Sniffle* Goodbye Regretsy!
-Thanks for the raunch,the fun,the butthurt,the glitter and everything else you fucking losers! HUGS
January 31, 2013 at 8:21 pm
Thanks for everything. I’ve enjoyed all the posts and the comments. I’ve read the site regularly, shaved my underarms less so.
Best of luck with what ever you do next.
Kind regards,
Clare
January 31, 2013 at 8:23 pm
You shouldn’t have shown everyone where to find Anne, but thank you and goodbye!
January 31, 2013 at 8:39 pm
Your avatar perfectly illustrates your comment.
January 31, 2013 at 8:32 pm
Well, it’s been a wonderful run, and as a non-crafting onlooker, it has been the incredible writing, the enormous hilarity, and the community that has been the draw – so it’s great to know that there’s a future for us HK fans over at aprilwinchell.com. And congrats on going out on a high note – Anne Frank. Wow.
January 31, 2013 at 8:34 pm
Awe fuckity.
January 31, 2013 at 8:36 pm
NOOOOOO
I <3 you all.
Bye…
January 31, 2013 at 8:36 pm
Thank you for the party and bullshit!!!!!!
January 31, 2013 at 8:41 pm
GOD FUCKING RIDANCE. I CANT BELEIVE I WATED 3 YEARS OF MY LIFE READING THIS RACIST, SEXIST, CLICKISH DRIVEL. I WOULD ENROURAGE YOU ALL TO FINALLY GO GET A FUCKING LIFE, IF I THOUGH IT WOULD ACTUALLY DO ANY GOOD. BUT IT WONT SO I DONT CARE JUST STOP FUCKING BOTHERING ME GOODBY.
January 31, 2013 at 9:10 pm
Not bad. Not bad. I give this flounce a 6.
January 31, 2013 at 9:26 pm
meh
January 31, 2013 at 9:59 pm
Ah, just slightly above average – story of my life. If only you knew how it made my teeth itch to misspell all in caps. But totally worth it, to have earned a “meh” from the mehster. I did it all for you! My life’s work complete, I will now travel to the North to live out my days drinking cheap tequila, rubbing Sriracha in my eyes, and become a Brony.
February 1, 2013 at 8:23 am
well, now i know it’s really over. you said “meh” and no one even noticed. i haz a sad.
January 31, 2013 at 8:42 pm
April, I love you, in a way only people who have never met, one being an internet/voice actor celebrity and the other being a no-name ne’er-do-well, can fall in love. Yeah, pretty stalkerish.
I’ve been following and reading every post since your first post when I discovered you through stumbleupon. You’ve provided years of entertainment and diversion, which is more than I can say for most everything else in my life.
Thanks for the good times, A. Thanks so much.
January 31, 2013 at 8:43 pm
You see what you’ve just done? Jacqui Stallone has won.
January 31, 2013 at 8:47 pm
I will really miss the comments. At other sites, no one gives a damn. The quality of the site is only matched by the intelligence of the commenters.
Please, come to the forums.
Helen & Bronc, Kniti had a killer idea about combining the forums for this and the SPT and AW.com. Could this be a thing?
January 31, 2013 at 10:38 pm
I defer to Lemon Bombs for mentioning it first, but it seems like a good thing to do.
February 1, 2013 at 1:03 am
I missed it – THANKS LEMON BOMBS.
Fabulous bitchez, all.
January 31, 2013 at 8:48 pm
So much of my brain has been permanently marked by Regretsy. Bajingo wash, reclaimed Bali boat furniture, even simple CLOTHES PINS for fucks sake!! Thanks for the mammaries!! I loved this site like a family member. Who will make sure I govern myself accordingly??
January 31, 2013 at 8:48 pm
JUST A REMINDER
http://forums.regretsy.com/topic.php?id=38949
Welcomes/Regretsy Irish Wake/Afterparty
(BYOB)
The forums are staying open, folks. See you there.
February 1, 2013 at 5:35 am
@ Matt, Zippy, Lemonbombs, Muggsy and so many others. I hope you will rock the forums. I need something to battle the daily cupecakery that goes on around me at work.
RIP Regretsy. epitaph: “You were a snarky FJL and a great drinking buddy, CF4L”
January 31, 2013 at 8:50 pm
This site has had me in stitches more than once. We’ll miss you. I just about laughed myself out of my chair at that last one. I’m going to hell for sure, but we’ll have good company
January 31, 2013 at 8:55 pm
Six minutes left…
Just, thank you. All of you. For all of it.
January 31, 2013 at 9:05 pm
REPRIEVE
April is in California!
January 31, 2013 at 8:59 pm
…don’t go… we’ll behave…
January 31, 2013 at 8:59 pm
So long and thanks for all the fish. Seriously, I’ve loved reading this site and sorry to see it go.
January 31, 2013 at 9:00 pm
Now I have to re-learn how to spell whimsical.
January 31, 2013 at 9:03 pm
no you don’t
January 31, 2013 at 9:03 pm
I am a sad. And also mutilated. (TMI?)
January 31, 2013 at 9:03 pm
Whenever I read about circumcision I am reminded of a joke told to me by by 80 year old step-grandmother:
A woman had recently had twins, a boy and a girl, and the doctor went to give the mother an update on the health of the babies. He walks in the room and tells the woman that the children are healthy except that the girl has no eyelids, but he has a solution. Because they are twins he can circumcise the boy and use the skin to make eyelids for the girl. The mother thinks it over and gives him the ok. The next day the doctor performs the surgeries and when done goes to give the mother an update. The mother looks at him concerned and asks how it went. He looks her in the eye and says “The circumcision went fine, but I’m sorry. Your daughter is now cock-eyed.”
Ba-dum chee!
January 31, 2013 at 9:13 pm
http://i1337.photobucket.com/albums/o674/f3f2pilot/anne_2148996b_zpsad7b8a41.jpg
I will never have another forum where I can use this username. I will always regretsy fondly. CF4L, bitches.
January 31, 2013 at 9:15 pm
January 31, 2013 at 9:18 pm
I still haven’t figured out how to post pictures… I has 2 sads now.
January 31, 2013 at 10:22 pm
Hellephrank!
January 31, 2013 at 9:17 pm
Every time I watch Hoarders, and mummified cat is pulled out of the rubbish, I’ll say “OH HAI, I has a thirsty” and think of you.
January 31, 2013 at 9:24 pm
So, it’s over. Done. Finished. Farewell, April, Bronc, and Crochet. You’ve done more for me than I care to admit. You’ve provided an outlet for my heretofore unacceptable comments, given me cherished friends I’d never have otherwise met, and made me laugh until tears ran down my legs. There’s nothing for it now. I can’t go on.
January 31, 2013 at 9:28 pm
Thanks to Regretsy, I got to befriend Petja and have him mail me swag. I got to donate lots of cool stuff to the AA sales, not to mention the badass stuff I got to buy. I got support and advice whenever I needed it from the awesome people at the forums. I made pancakes with sausages inside and smothered them with gravy. I got weird looks from people working at the Social Security office while I posed with a CF4L sign by a Worcester monument. I got a Nic Cage blanket. You have brought joy and fuckery into my life, Regretsy, and I will always have a special place in my heart for you.
January 31, 2013 at 9:34 pm
April, John, and the still unknown Crochet, thank you for everything. The contents of the giant box of fuckery you sent me because I raptured my inlaws is still looking at me in my study (except for the tiny rubber fetus, which my daughter stole for her dorm room), and if it weren’t for you, I’d have never EVER attempted a collaborative project with 24 other FJLs from here or published an actual book.
This has been the best cult I’ve ever joined.
I will never forget the dinner in NYC with everyone and Ive got the autographed boobs to remind me.
I’m up way past my bedtime already, so good night and good luck!
January 31, 2013 at 9:41 pm
My first cult… and my last
Never forgetsy. *glitter tear*
January 31, 2013 at 9:48 pm
*snuggles yecats* I know you never got your packet of Kool-Aid when you joined, but I have enough for two.
January 31, 2013 at 11:55 pm
Gee thanks Mugsy
Wow, when I first commented here I was amoungst strangers, but now y’all are friends.
Could never have guessed that.
January 31, 2013 at 9:47 pm
Goodbye, Regretsy. We will miss you, your snark, and the place fat, jealous losers could go to be with other fat, jealous losers. Goodbye, Helen and Bronc. Best of luck and love! xx
January 31, 2013 at 9:48 pm
Good night and good luck. And thanks a million.
(See you on ALC, John?)
January 31, 2013 at 9:52 pm
OK, 2 hours and 9 minutes before midnight on the West Coast and the archivation (whatever) of Regretsy.
April & John: Planning a big flounce when the clock strikes 12? I wish I had champagne to toast the end of an era.
January 31, 2013 at 9:54 pm
april thanks to you I can count so many amazing people as my friends. GRIMMY and MUGSY and CRISTANKA. theres gooey and chefann and poops and beeby…the erin, resonanteye and oohgoboom…so many more, too many to count…
these people support and make me laugh daily and, well..I won’t ever be able to express to you properly how much this site has meant to me, so I’ll just say thanks. cf4l
January 31, 2013 at 9:59 pm
Hi, Melissa!! *waves at Melissa* I’m so glad you found us on FB!! *tacklehugs Melissa*
January 31, 2013 at 10:18 pm
MUGSY I MADE A SECOND POST FOR YOU <3
now you have to take me to newsies. in the big city. the windy apple.
January 31, 2013 at 10:41 pm
You’re right, now I have to entice you to the big Windy Apple and take you to Newsies…can’t wait!!! <3
January 31, 2013 at 11:31 pm
Newsies? I wanna go, too!
Think they’ll remake “Bugsy Malone” as a musical next?
January 31, 2013 at 9:55 pm
I’ll miss you! Thanks for years of laughter!
January 31, 2013 at 9:55 pm
It’s been fun. Thanks for the laughs, and for my husband’s favorite swear words. We are, vocabularily speaking, all the more colorful thanks to you guys.
January 31, 2013 at 10:04 pm
Well, as this is Regretsy, I must admit to a few regrets:
- Missing PetjaPalooza due to the Bank of Cunt.
- Not being as funny as I could have been.
- Not seeing NanaB’s boobs.
But I do appreciate the acceptance and the ability to get my limits stretched by some of the fattest and most jealous Losers ever. I’ll do my best to stay connected.
Thank you, Helen. Thank you, Bronc.
And we’ll always have Vicodin …
January 31, 2013 at 10:16 pm
Well, shit. I thought it was Club Fuckery 4 *Life*. I knew the goatse tattoo was a bad idea.
January 31, 2013 at 10:21 pm
So Long and thanks for all the fish.
Can we finally make it public that I was your favorite?
PS-when I worked the maternity ward I assisted in several circumcisions and helped women find the correct formula if ,for whatever reason, they eschewed breast feeding.
I am a total bastard that way–excuse me while I grow my pit hair out.
January 31, 2013 at 10:34 pm
Thanks for all of the laughs. I’m going to miss all of you fat jealous losers!
January 31, 2013 at 10:40 pm
Party on, you magnificent bastards. I will miss your twisted, evil, sardonic, and fabulous humor. It’s not often you see wimple getting called out in their sanctimonious bullshit so effortlessly. You introduced me to some fantastic, and not so fantastic stuff. I still regret missing out on the Regretsy Tarot Cards, but c’est la vie, eh?
Shine on, you crazy diamond.
CF4L!!!!!!!!
January 31, 2013 at 10:42 pm
Wimple? WTF autocorrect? PEOPLE DAMMIT!
And with that, I go down in flames. W00t!
January 31, 2013 at 11:04 pm
There are still tarot cards to be had–contact Princess Buzzkill Crying Glitter Eagle. Her shop is linked to her user name. Don’t fret if you don’t see the cards there–just send her a message.
January 31, 2013 at 10:44 pm
And speaking of the Regretsy Tarot cards, do they actually work?
January 31, 2013 at 11:26 pm
Yes. Yes, they do. I asked them how long this blog would last and got the Death card.
(That was weak. I know. Pass another bottle of rum. I’ll get funnier or pass out. Win either way, right?)
January 31, 2013 at 10:46 pm
Dearest Regretsy,
If I had balls, I’d clap them together in one last round of applause for you. But since I don’t, my hands will just have to suffice.
Thanks for the whimsicle fuckery. Thanks for Finland. And thanks for all these fuckers right here that give a shit about shit that matters.
The internet won’t be the same without you… but it never was once you came along. Live long and vittu, bitches.
Love and litter cupcakes,
BTB
February 1, 2013 at 12:18 pm
You could have purchased Dick Clark’s blue balls and clapped those together.
January 31, 2013 at 11:02 pm
I will miss you guys. I get all melancholy when I think about all the fun times we had in the facebook threads.
“Fuck this quilt!”
“Foreskin is moreskin!”
*screams and faints*
There’s a good chance that I’ll be watching Sockpuppet Theatre, though, so I will see you on the flip side.
January 31, 2013 at 11:12 pm
I guess you could say I am a “Regretsy person.”
I lurked here since nearly the beginning. I bought the book at the Seattle book signing (I was the one with the Not Remotely Steampunk Cat necklace I made the night before). I also bought the tarot deck, Fabricated Finnish Folktales, and two Goatse Xmas cards I intended to give away but couldn’t part with. My Etsy shop name was inspired by Regretsy, and I always secretly hoped and feared I would be featured. I learned how to make jewelry because I had to have my own steampunk octopus necklaces. I dressed up as an Etsy Cupcake hipster one year for Halloween. Regretsy came to mean a lot more to me than just a humor blog I enjoyed reading every day; it’s part of who I am. Maybe I was being naive, but I honestly believed HK and Bronc would come back and Regretsy would go on for a long time.
Club Fuckery, Towel Mike, Dancing Dror, Petja, April’s Army, Level 4 Cat, Compare and Save, WTF Alchemy Requests, Tragicrafting, Glingers, …
January 31, 2013 at 11:12 pm
… Bronc Drywall and Helen Killer, all you fat ugly jealous losers… I will never forgetsy.
Keep on talkin’ shit and doing good. Namaste, bitches… and CF4L.
January 31, 2013 at 11:54 pm
Oh, and I’m just gonna leave this here. I didn’t have it done in time for the blingee 9-11 contest a while back, but I always thought it needed to be seen.
January 31, 2013 at 11:12 pm
April and John, thanks for the snarky wonderfulness that is you and that we got to know through Regretsy. It’s been so much fun.
I wasn’t working much the summer of 2011, so that was My Summer of Club Fuckery. The first CF4L craft store guerilla fuckery pic you ever posted was mine. After that, I spent the entire summer doing guerilla fuckery and sending the pics to you. I screamed like a fangirl whenever you posted one of my photos. Best summer ever.
Then I discovered the forums, and made the most amazing online friends. Thanks for keeping the forums up. It really means a lot to us.
I was bummed when April Winchell dot com went away, so it will be great to have it back. I love your taste in bad music.
So on we journey. Further up and further in!
January 31, 2013 at 11:17 pm
Now that I have lost my chance to be on Regretsy, I’m going for close enough, with some overpriced tragicrafting. Or rather, some weird stuff I had been meaning to put on etsy, but now is clearly the perfect and properly sad moment. Sad to see it end, happy it’s for a good reason.
I give you all Flounce Cat Hair Balls, from my cat Tragedy. Thank you!
https://www.etsy.com/listing/122318817/flounce-cat-hair-ball
January 31, 2013 at 11:19 pm
Long-time lurker, first time poster here. I’ve been quietly but loyally following Regretsy since its first month of existence.
Too many good posts to recall. Two in particular, the original fish in a squirrel suit post and the original level-whatever cat, are on that ethereal level of funny where they made me almost piss my pants and are burned into my memory until I die…But it’s been good all around.
Much love.
January 31, 2013 at 11:21 pm
I forgot to mention something earlier. Back in the early fall, my house was robbed. The only thing taken besides electronics and jewelry was my autographed copy of Regretsy. I was almost as amused as I was angry.
January 31, 2013 at 11:21 pm
Who knew people were so sensitive about their boobs, dicks, and hair, amirite?
All y’all have mentioned so many great things about Regretsy already…I mean, helping someone to walk again, giving a person an amazing gift to cherish in their last days, then giving that same person the greatest last resting place ever….
It’s that sort of heartfelt bullshit that has made this place more than just another blog, but an actual community. April and Bronc, you deserve many thanks for creating and curating this place as a spot where so many weirdos can get together.
And now, before my own eyes start leaking, I’d like to post a link to one of the most memorable videos this site ever introduced me to. I’m still having nightmares.
http://www.regretsy.com/2011/06/07/what-the-literal-fuck/
Vittu tätä paskaa!
January 31, 2013 at 11:30 pm
Gah! I was able to exit before that video started. I’d forgotten all about it…until now. *shudders*
Well, that was Regretsy–the good, the bad, and the WTF?
February 1, 2013 at 5:29 am
My son LOVES this video. I am glad he is as disturbed as me!
January 31, 2013 at 11:33 pm
Now seems like the moment to ask Crochet to remove his mask and let us see him in all his glory, so to speak. Pretty please with glitter on top…
February 1, 2013 at 9:59 am
I like to imagine he was Towel Mike.
January 31, 2013 at 11:44 pm
Thanks for giving this fat loser one last completely inappropriate laugh. One time Jiffy Lube fucked up my oil change and I let them know I wouldn’t be back – “Never again! Just like the Holocaust!”
I’ll cherish the mammaries forever. <3
January 31, 2013 at 11:57 pm
The end…?
February 1, 2013 at 1:13 am
Holy shitballs, that photo is fantastic.
February 1, 2013 at 12:01 am
Goodbye world.
February 1, 2013 at 12:21 am
I’m sad to see Regretsy closing up shop – this website has been really great and accomplished some terrific things. Thank you, Helen and Bronc for giving me, and all of these other fat, jealous, losers such a great place to hang out – thank you for introducing us to the fabulous Hetja, and for making me laugh through some of genuinely shitty days.
February 1, 2013 at 12:29 am
Stay gold, Ponyboy. Stay gold.
February 1, 2013 at 12:36 am
so sad right now, i have no words.
wait, yes i do: thanks for 3.5 years of snark, fuckery & general FJL hijinx. this site has brought immeasurable glee to myself and the many friends whom i’ve introduced to it.
i’ve decided to forgo the traditional black arm band; instead i will stop shaving my pits as a symbol of mourning.
February 1, 2013 at 12:38 am
and…SCENE!
February 1, 2013 at 6:13 am
At least I have my Holeday card and book of Finnish Fairy Tales as reminders of all of the good times. Some weeks I was a daily visitor, others not so much, but I could always count on you to show me all the shit I would otherwise be missing and making me laugh.
I will miss the brilliant, crazy, hysterical comments and head scratching controversies. The eye-opening people are bat-shit crazy, uh, fetishes and whatnot.
I will miss shedding my somewhat respectable facade and slipping into something bedazzled and covered with glitter.
I regret not changing my name to Clittyglitter.
C4FL
February 1, 2013 at 6:55 am
Awww.
this means that the vagina pillow link with the obnoxious description I sent Crochet on my BIRTHDAY won’t be featured like promised. *pouts*
http://www.etsy.com/listing/110992759/hand-knit-vagina-pillow?ref=sr_gallery_9&ga_search_query=vulva+pillow&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=ZZ&ga_ref=auto1&ga_search_type=all
February 1, 2013 at 7:28 am
MEMORYYYYY
All alone in the CRAAAAFT ROOOOOOM
Gluing shit to some OOOOLD SHIIIIT
Adding glitter to taste…
I remember the time I knew WHAT BAD-CRAFTING WAAAAAS
Oh, REGRETSYYYYYY… I’ll miss you.
February 1, 2013 at 8:23 am
April, I’m going to really miss your wonderful snarkiness. And thank you so much for taking a leaf out of George Costanza’s book and leaving us on a high note.
February 1, 2013 at 8:37 am
Awwww. I went to bed early last night because I didn’t feel well and I missed all the fanfare. I see how it is. *sniff* It took me three hours to get all caught up on the comments but I finally did it. Whew!
I’ll miss ye, Regretsy, but plan to add my own brand of crazy to the forums for a long time to come.
February 1, 2013 at 9:18 am
Anne Frank greeting card – what a beautiful way to end the Regretsy era. Thank you for all that you guys have done!
February 1, 2013 at 9:40 am
I fell asleep last night before I could post a serious thank you.
Thank you April, Crochet and Bronc, for giving me a much-needed place to feel at home and be silly during a time in my life that has been otherwise difficult and stressful. You have no idea what it meant to me.
Thank you to Zippy (Bruce) for being a funny and intelligent motherfucker and a true comrade in this place. You have a gift, my friend. Everyone else who accepted me in what was already an established “thing” (Princess, Mugsy, Lettuce, Melagrana, Mockingbird, Angel, and tons of others who I’m sure I’m offending by not mentioning)- you guys really made me feel happy on a daily basis.
Thanks, and I’ll see you again somewhere.
February 1, 2013 at 10:18 am
Although the pay for this job of coming up with stupid comments, absurd non-sequiturs and atrocious puns was terrible, the rewards were infinite.
February 1, 2013 at 11:08 am
I hereby leave this skantelope for posterity.
February 1, 2013 at 12:03 pm
What a wonderful ride it’s been. Ever since my sister-in-law turned me on to Regretsy, it’s been a daily read. Will follow you to the ends of the earth – good luck in all your future endeavors.
February 1, 2013 at 12:13 pm
(No, you’re not having deja vu, I replied on the wrong post.)
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!….ohh, sorry for that outburst.
When I read that the posts were ending, I thought maybe it was a February Fool’s Day joke and Apes would come back today and say “Just kiddin’ puddin’!”. Fuck me with a rake covered in glitter. OK, not really.
Well, I might as well save all my personal stuff from my work computer to my Petja flash drive and start packing. This site is what kept me sane and happy at work. Now I’ll just be another monkey, turning the wheels in Corporate America. I’ll never make it, I’ll be fired by month end. I’ll give it a few days before I make out my management hit list and see where the forums and ApesWinch.com take me. It better be to my happy place dammit or heads will roll (here, not there)!
Back to lurking. Carry on.
February 1, 2013 at 12:40 pm
I will not cry. I will not cry. OK, I’ll cry a little.
Where the hell else am I going to use my FlounceCats???
February 2, 2013 at 4:57 pm
Thank you. I’m pretty sure you aren’t going to see this, but thank you for the laughs and so much more.
All in all the 31st was a shitty day, no more Regretsy posts and I got rearended. (No, not buttsex) I wish I had been around on the 31st to participate in the flouncing, glitter tears, photo posting, bad puns, good puns and the much deserved praise for you insanely funny caring people.
Your generosity of time and spirit are fantastic, my eyes have gotten dust in them so many times here, and I am grateful.
February 10, 2013 at 8:54 pm
Just wanted to take this opportunity to thank everyone for some fucking awesome threads. I know I wasn’t much of a regular here, but I’m definitely going to miss you crazy bastards.
Guess I should start lurking on the forums to see what that’s all about.
Namaste, bitches!