Well, now I know what we’ll be throwing at my wedding instead of wasting all of that rice…
You nailed it!
No exploding birds at YOUR wedding, bloodlesscoup!
They might still explode when they find out what they just ate.
Just the crunchy topping I was looking for, for my umbilical cord casserole. (hint: cream of mushroom soup!)
Later, at the reception:
“Waiter, there’s something in my . . . oh, yeah, I forgot. Never mind.”
This *might* sound weird?
And the bag is 3/4 full. What’s this, a bag of potato chip – some settling may have occurred during shipping?
No way. I only buy FULL gallon bags of nail clippings.
“I boiled up the funny-looking rice or whatever you had in the freezer but it’s still really chewy. I hope the sauce I made from the liver(?) in the other freezer bag with your kid’s name on it will make it better.”
Well, that would probably stretch the cat food, plus I bet it adds a lot of fiber and it’s free! Gotta do what you gotta do in this economy. Cats don’t feed themselves.
Fluffy sez; “It’s lickin’ finger good! And now I have a taste for humans!”
If it’s not food, it’s water with those cats. Just “me, me, me” all the time.
Yeah, and if you don’t jump fast enough, it’s all Pussy Riot
You don’t want to get in the middle of that meow-mix!
When they’re really pissed they get on the piano and play “We are Siameses if you pluleaze, We are Siameses if you DON’T pluleaze” 4 octaves too high
Then they call their alley-cat friends over to do “Stray Cat Strut” while they beat you mercilessly with chains and tire-irons.
And I used to think it was bad when they’d sing “Memory” and jump onto my balls.
This might make me sound like a serial killer, but, well…alright, I’m a serial killer.
When you invited me over to see your clippings, I didn’t expect…
See, when you say “no bloody nails and no fungus”, that makes it WAY grosser. It doesn’t matter at that point that they’re NOT bloody or fungus-ridden- you’ve already made me throw up in my mouth by mentioning it.
It was already gross enough. You can claim nothing on your body has ever itched or your nose has been finger-free since whenever but I ain’t buyin’ it.
And what’s the deal with him not wanting to separate them? They’re not like twins up for adoption that you want to stay together for bonding reasons or anything, they’re two nasty bags of nail-clippings.
There is this one guy who probably wants only 10 fingernails and 10 toenails (and maybe a back-up set) for his yard debris “girlfriend” and I could see all that sorting and packaging would get tiresome for the seller if small orders like that came in all the time.
You make a good point, Zip.
When asked about this, the seller pointed out; “I may be crazy but I’m not stupid.”
Inside your mind is probably the second scariest place on the internet right now. You’re queued after toenail girl.
Just what I’ve been looking for in these tough economic times to stretch my crockpot meals. Nice filler. Wonder how long it’ll take for him to make up another couple of bags.
Yeah, it seems like you could get a lot more for them by breaking it up into smaller packages instead of giving a bulk discount. This person is just opening themselves up to being exploited by a reseller.
I know SOMEBODY who’s birthday is coming up in May, and just happens to have a pine-cone n’ brambles girlfriend who would be totally complete with the addition of some toenail and fingernail clippings, hint-hint…
But are you willing to buy a new bag every few weeks? For the sake of realism, I mean.
Every few weeks??? I’m not made of toenail clippings! She knew I was poor when she met me!
Hmm, OK. Maybe you should go with the ranch dressing preservation idea after all. Or Italian – that works, too.
Italians are great at preserving things; look at Rome, the Roman Catholic Church and Ray Romano.
I suppose you could have said “Sophia Loren,” who is a more convincing specimen of preservation, but that would have messed up your alliteration.
Do not confuse with the bag of shaved ice when at a party at their house. (though somehow I doubt they are a terribly social person)
MOST AWKWARD PARTY EVER.
There were some real cuticles there, though.
Yeah, I wanted to hang longer, but I was nailed to a time constraint.
Well, what if we want bloody nails and fungus? How else am I to plant evidence at my next crime scene?
I meant to say “Theoretically, how else would one plant evidence at his or her next crime scene?” Because I would never ever do anything like that… because as far as the police are concerned it was David Hasselhoff who left his hair and toe nail clipping behind at a crime scene that could only be described as “grisly, yet surprisingly refreshing.”
I would love to email this person and just go back and forth for like 20 emails with really specific questions like “what do the bags weigh?” or “were the nails kept in a climate-controlled environment?” or “what’s the average length of the nails, overall?” and then finally tell him/her that I’m not interested because one of the answers (bag-weight) was a deal-breaker.
I sent in this tip after stumbling on it one day looking for free wood (ha!) on my local Craigslist. As you can tell, we stay classy over here in Harrisburg.
I did think about getting into it with them, but deep down I was worried that they’d turn out to be just as psychotic as the ad led me to believe and track me down using my ISP or whatever the fuck.
Some humbug flagged it and it’s since been removed. Party poopers, all of them.
I love trying to “out-crazy” crazy people. I would be like, “You didn’t store them submerged in ranch dressing inside a vacuum cleaner bag under the couch?? Why not?? Seems like a no-brainer to me!”
And how is it, exactly, that you’re still alive?
Dumb luck, probably.
Our boy Matt probably writes all his psycho trolling from his local Starbucks, so when those psychos track him down they end up with a no-foam, half-caph, skinny latte instead of Matt fingers. It’s brilliant really, but that Starbucks is ruined.
I would never go to Starbucks. Worst. Coffee. Ever.
I don’t have time for “trolling”, either. I’m too busy over here trying to make 3 people laugh (or cry, depending on the quality of my humor that day).
And, unfortunately for everyone involved, I tend to engage crazy people in person, not over the internet.
That was you?!
I’m you, too?
My husband engaged a crazy person once.
Frankly I would rather have the bag of cat shit that was offered a few days ago. Much less gross.
One word: VOODOO
Well quite! One could carry out a controlled assessment of voodoo practitioners, sequentially, obviously. They each get ten random nails and two days to give the owner a condition of your choice (you could be charitable and cast a Bestow Sanity). The most effective gets all your business!
I’d want the voodoo dolls. But I’d probably get shut down for being a reseller if I offer them on etsy. Wait! I can have the priestesses make voodoo FURNITURE. Yay!
And voodoo hats / crowns / headdresses. Those of us with cats can supply the feathers.
Is this just the (finger)tip of hoarder iceberg that this person is about to unleash on an unsuspecting internet?
This may sound weird but I’ve been saving… I have-
8 shoe boxes full of used shoe liners
2 jam jars 1/2 full of earwax
5 milk jugs loosely filled with used dental floss
14 trash bags full of hair
It is not OK to contact this poster unless you are insane.
You had me at “jam jars 1/2 full of earwax”. Now that you’ve got my attention, how low can you go on price?
I think we can arrive at something eQtipble.
You spelled “wierd” wrong.
you forgot used tampons.
I keep only toe jam in my jam jars.
I prefer to display my ear wax in a candy dish.
I don’t know why I haven’t learned to to go to Regretsy when I’m eating.
Because the note you left yourself was misleading?
Google “human ivory” for additional grossing out.
You mean the stuff from that show Oddities? Some of that jewelry she made was beautiful.
at least that stuff’s covered in resin. this is just a bag of… raw fingernails.
Now, it’s great there is no fungus or blood, but are they organic and free range?
How do I know they are genuine nails and have no acrylic or other artificial additives?
Are they USDA organic or just “all natural”, which, let’s admit, could be just anything.
I don’t feel safe buying “nails” of unknown origin off the Internet. That’s just opening yourself up to all sorts of stuff.
And to those concerned that the bags aren’t completely full, some breathing room should be allowed for bulk clipped nails, especially the toe ones…
The disease of mistrust has mani cures.
Now why would you want to just give away perfectly good bags of Toenail clippings for free? if it was Etsy you could charge upwards of twenty dollars or more for your slightly less disgusting toenails.
I signed up just to say I’m from Harrisburg and could not be less surprised by this post. Oy.
I just want to know – how long does it take to get 1.5 gallons of nail clippings? I mean, you don’t get much at a time, so this must represent something like 20 year’s worth.
It really is best if they go together – I broke up a happy pair of clipping bags once by only taking the toenails and they were pining for the fingernails for weeks.
Someone should buy these and sell them on to etsy sellers as craft supplies.
I can see them being claimed by an etsy craftard. Bet they’d make excellent cupcake sprinkles, and hey, free supplies maximizes profit potential!
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