See more awesomeness at Payne Sculptures
So these are like human Chicken-McNuggets?
Do they come with dippin’ sauces?
I’ll take two Beatrices with one sweet n’ sour and one barbecue, please.
They’re ‘finger-jammin’-down-the-throat good’!
These… aren’t for to put… in… places…. .. .. are they?
I can’t be the only one that thought the listing said “fleshlight”.
I did. I had to go back and read it again. I was getting horrified at the thought of human and animal hair getting jammed in orifices,
I’m fairly sure they aren’t, but I’m also willing to bet that there are people out there who will, in fact, put them in ‘places.’ Resulting in the world’s most hilarious ER visits.
Tonight on “World’s most Hilarious ER visits” we meet Zippy who made the mistake of ordering one too many fleshlettes while imbibing in Nyquil on tap. AND Crochet Guevara , another Etsy stroller with a dark side–that would be the side away from the main light source.
Holy freaking Hell!!!
These are amazing and completely grotesque all at the same time!
Oh my god I clicked through and saw “Chastity.” Oh my god….
So horribly, horribly amazing
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You can admire the maker here for their great imagination, but you wonder what their nightmares must be like.
Probably looks like this:
I don’t blame him/her. Or anyone else for that matter. Lisa Frank haunts my mind.
I was doing anagrams all day at work and just made the terrible realization that Lisa Frank is an anagram for Anal Frisk.
What kind of frakkin’ awesome job do you have, doing anagrams all day? Jealous!
Sit ton in het job predictions, tub in eth genes
This is far more terrifying than any Fleshlette!
Looks like Toni has tumor toes than your average flesh monster.
Are these named after the people he dismembered to use as models?
I want to get one and leave it on the dashboard of my Mom’s car. She’d lose it.
I’d probably put it in a beat-up old clown shoe and sprinkle confetti around it, like it just did some show on her dashboard right before she got in the car.
“Hi, Mrs. Johnson, I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re probably the most tolerant woman I’ve ever heard of.”
“Well, thank you dear. Are you a friend of Matt’s?”
She’s completely coulrophobic, so we’d leave toy clowns everywhere for her to find when we were kids. She’d scream so loud. It was pretty awesome.
Maybe she would calmly say; “So that’s how they get so many into those little cars.” and then call for you in a deceptively mild voice.
When there are clowns involved, there’s nothing calm about that lady!
True story: When I was little, we were shopping in Woolworth’s and this clown (hired by the store to give out “goodies”) came up behind her and squeezed his horn and said “goody, goody, goody!”. She screamed, dropped her basket, peed her pants and ran out of there, leaving me and my sisters standing there laughing our asses off.
It was kind of mean of her to leave you guys there for the clown to raise though, don’tcha think?
I think he did a pretty good job. When I was six, I was already juggling at a 10th grade level. I could throw pies accurately at people’s faces by kindergarten.
My seltzer-bottle skills were nothing short of prodigious.
You had me at “Red ball nose transplant.”
I hear he was class clown over at Clarabell Day School. Then he was a real cutup at John Wayne Gacy Elementary . . .
Wow. Substitute “Guy in Mr. Peanut Costume” and that was my mother. So we would give my DAD a big jar of said dry-roasted peanuts for Christmas every year. Because we were passively being horrible to her.
How could you exclude the sexy nipple-and-pube fest that is Richanda in this post?
Look at it again…a little “harder”. It appears to also be a penis. I am both deeply disturbed and impressed by this work. I would however not want to be anywhere near one of these pieces of “art”.
Could you imagine the fun of placing one of these lovelies on someone’s pillow? Imagine the fun of watching your loved one waking up to the hairs tickling them on the nose.
A surefire way to get rid of houseguests who’ve overstayed their welcome!
Or pretend to hork it up?
Put one under your arm and say, “Honey, can you check this mole for me?”
Drop it in the toilet bowl for guests to find. Or that date you’ve decided is just going to be a one night stand.
I was wondering what to get my dermatologist for Christmas … thanks Regretsy!
I think an etsy jeweler should buy “Toni” and use it to model her rings.
comment of the day material if ever i read it
hey honey, I bought you a teratoma for christmas. Just like you’ve always wanted!!!
What kind of twisted soul abuses this level of artistic skill to create something this repulsive?
They remind me of those reborn babies (which prompt me to ask that very same question).
The reborn babies are more horrifying.
New here. I need to see the reborn babies! Where can I find pics?
I wondering that too — imagine the realistic prosthetics they could make! But then…nobody in their right mind would wear them.
Hmmmmm, lemme think…. Clive Barker, H. R. Giger, Zdzisław Beksiński, Brom, well and Jonathan Payne come to mind, to name but a few!
I would actually love one of these. This individual should do prosthetic work, if they already don’t.
Going in my faves.
Yeah, the seller’s sculptures are totally something you’d see in a David Cronenberg movie! Someone oughta hook those crazy kids up.
I agree that his skills are amazing, but with his humor prosthetic work could be…treacherous.
“I made a prosthetic to replace the ear you lost in that freak Flowbee accident. It has a vagina, two nipples and some of your own hair!”
I know a man who lost his ear to cancer, and what you describe would actually be an improvement.
You made my day with that comment, thank you!
Man, I am so sick of people objectifying the human body!
But they’re garnished! With real hair!
I prefer to humanize objects myself.
Beatrice looks like a manatee… with some sort of stubby… bits. I can’t stop looking.
No. No, no, no, no. Those look like chopped up body parts from the X-Files episode Home.
Best episode of all time.
This is too much. I… I need to sit down.
Oh! I had no idea American Horror Story was having a prop sale.
All I can hear in my head is, “Put the lotion in the basket”.
Ive just been preparing Pigs in Blankets. Oh to have ‘Cornelia” to put out on the plate with them…
I would love to have some vegetarian friends over for dinner, and put “Tina” at the bottom of a big pot of vegetable soup and tell them, “serve yourselves, bowls are over there – here’s a ladle”.
“Tina” seems to be everyone’s fave! I can imagine her laughing “Hyuk! Hyuk!” At your veggie friend’s discomfiture.
“Tina” looks like Jim Varney’s (the “hey Vern” guy) internal-parasitic twin.
I’d love to put one in my daughter’s toy bag for when I drop her off at Grandma’s for the day.
This is why you should never drop acid if you are pregnant. Does anyone even do acid anymore?
(joke- not for some years now)
I’ve been lurking on this site for a looooong time. This disturbed me so deeply that I had to register and comment. I feel as though if I can only say this, put it out there, I won’t be so horrified.
Nope. Still completely creeped out. What if that toe thing climbs up into my bed and sticks itself in my mouth while I sleep??
Why would it stick itself in your mouth? Cold toes are much more likely to end up on your tummy, or nestled into the small of your back while you were sleeping.
Does anyone else want to replace one of the chocolates in a fancy box assortment with one of these, and then put the lid back on?
You read that Atwood story too? The jilted lover puts her preserved taratoma in the chocolate box and has it delivered to his house the day his wife is having a big dinner party? Revenge lightly dusted with cocoa powder.
I’m forced to keep my mouth shut, because if I don’t, I will start screaming and I probably won’t stop any time soon.
I’m forced to keep my mouth shut because I don’t know WHAT might come out if I don’t. Plus, I ate too many Christmas goodies in the break room this morning.
What the fuck is wrong with this person!!!
I think this person’s infected with a bad case of AWESOME.
While you may not like the subject matter, you have to admit that the craft is impeccable. I mean, it’s no Rattlesnake Rodeo Squirrel, but it’s pretty interesting nonetheless.
And bonus: Tina could wear a little white plastic cowboy hat.
Holy shit. Tina with a lil’ cowboy hat would be amazing. You could glue her onto your shoulder, and whisper back and forth with her in public.
I’m going to get one and put it under my shirt so if the first date isn’t going well I can ask if she’d like to meet my twin brother. I’d say it’s an Arnold Schwarzenegger/Danny Devito situation only more conjoined and I’m Arnold.
You have to admit this takes some serious skills. I personally find them all really repulsive but there’s some major skills here. Especially to make random bits of flesh so life like.
Early, failed Star Trek transporter experiments.
Set phasers to “Hide the Evidence”!
If that’s real hair, does Tina have real teeth too?
I’m still wondering about the skin?!?
Now I feel bad I never named my dermoid cyst.
What a waste.
I’ve got my eye on Eileen, and I think she’s got her eye on me too.
I can confirm that she does Mr Snrub
Is anyone else turned on right now?
If I could make it so, that would be my comment of the day.
I would like to purchase Eileen for a very unpleasant woman I know… named Eileen. I would hide it in her bag of cheap foul smelling rolling tobacco as a surprise!
Which one of you fuckers bought Chastity?
I did. But it was a misunderstanding. I thought I was getting my virginity back.
I remember when “Toni” was only 5 and quite a bit more handy, when still called “Thing”.
Er… well… I guess it’s not a vulva, for a change.
Why did I have to look at the site?
Looks like someone came on Eileen.
That is some kind of backwoods hillybilly wackadoodle asstastic fuckery right there.
Oh yeah. This gets *my* vote for comment of the day. I’m picturing Eileen, Toni, Richanda and the rest lined up on the shelf in a log cabin with some axes and shit and some poor sucker realizing he chose the worst place in the WORLD to have a car breakdown.
If you ‘collect ‘em all’ be sure you *don’t* put them at the points of a six-sided star with a candle in the middle on a night with a full moon while playing “Head-to-Toe” by Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam or you’ll only have yourself to blame for what happens.
Now I want to do this.
Tina looks like a vulva with teeth.
“How long have the meatballs been out here on in this chafing dish?”
This was the post, the one that made me finally regret what my eyes had seen on Regretsy and made me want to flee to avoid any future nightmares and brain searing imagery.
And then I saw the squirrel on the cobra and was immediately drawn right back in. How could I have lived having never seen a squirrel with a cowboy hat on a bucking snake? That would have been criminal.
That’s why we have two sides to our brain; to make it easier to tear apart! Thanks Regretsy!
These are great. These are exactly the sort of props I’d want as Halloween decorations – On pedestals, under glass domes with little museum cards. I’d decorate my house like some creepy little Wunderkammer. For the quality of craftsmanship, these prices are really good too. Absolutely faving this shop.
Why did you have to shave the tribbles? WHYYYYYYYYYY???
Reminds me of the fantastic sculptures by Australian artist Patricia Piccinini. http://www.google.com.au/imgres?q=patricia+piccinini&um=1&hl=en&client=firefox-a&sa=N&tbo=d&rls=org.mozilla:en-GB:official&biw=1252&bih=579&tbm
Try again. http://patriciapiccinini.net/natureslittlehelpers/shows/10The_Surrogate/hires/35Surrogate_%28for_the_Northern_Hairynosed_Wombat%29.JPG
I’m SO tired, and now there is absolutely no way I’ll be able to sleep tonight…due to imagining these things dragging themselves all over my face as I slumber.
Now I want caramel corn.
I know I’m a bit late to comment, but, WHAT THE FUCK?!
I am not coming out of my fort again.
just…go away! GO AWAY!
Oh God. I’ve been coming to Regretsy 2-3 year and, while I have seen much to make me afraid, scream, and/or hate humanity, this is the first item I’ve ever seen that truly makes me want to vomit. Mummified cats, asst. dead things, pieces of animals as clothing, and crafts made from body parts, plus a river of vulvas and a mountain of peini, and I have taken all in stride; but on this one I surrender. I must be getting old and weak, but I cannot click that link.
What the hell is Cornelia (thru the link)? I can’t tell if it’s supposed to be a tongue, or a vulva . . .
And why do they all have female names?
Ok, the infant torsos were for the wreath, now I have some new ornaments for the tree.
You know what would be the best way to display 7-8 of these? On pedestals? No. On your nightstand? No. Hood of your car? Not so much.
Picture them…. as a dream catcher……..
Toni obviously takes pottery. Those NAILS!
I just bought Toni with a 7-finger discount!
Sometimes, an item featured on Regretsy causes me to issue a bark of laughter. Sometimes, a groan. I have been known to make the occasional snort, and very, very rarely, I am left utterly speechless.
This time, none of those things happened.
I have been whimpering quietly to myself since sighting the first image.
Off to curl up in the fetal position now I guess…
Original reaction: ARRRGH! No! Scrolldownscrolldownscrolldown…
Later reaction: Our bathroom vanity is a potential goldmine.
You have all made me a happy man today. Merry Christmas!
Your Etsy store was already on hiatus by the time I saw this, but do you also sell Tonya? I haven’t seen anybody mention it but that’s amazing!
Has he been peeking in my nightmares?
Did any of you actually go look at this dude’s blog? He has quite a few really interesting sculptures in there. Quite the talented artist.
Excellent wedding gift idea!
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