Merry Shitmas
For many years now, I’ve celebrated this magical time of year by making my library of hideous holiday music available for anyone who can stand it.
I used to do this over at aprilwinchell.com, but I put that site in mothballs once I started working on Regretsy. Still, I can’t really let the holidays get underway without smearing this shit all over the internet for your already unpleasant family gatherings.
Feel free to make this your holiday playlist, if only to hasten the end of your get-togethers.
Happy Birthday, Jesus (Major Bill Smith and Nancy Nolte)
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Donald Trump and Regis Philbin) MY IDEA OF HELL
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Woody the Woodchuck)
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Sonovox)
Rudolph,the Red-Nosed Reindeer (William Hung)
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Tiny Tim)
Christmas Seals Campaign (Jack Klugman)
Christmas Seals Campaign (Barbara Feldon)
Rocking Disco Santa (American Song Poem Archives)
If Bette Davis sang “Feliz Navidad” (Jimmy James)
R2-D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas (lead vocals by Jon Bon Jovi)
Hark, the Herald Angels Sing (Chinese Children’s Choir)
I Yust Go Nuts at Christmas (Yogi Yorgesson)
Let it Snow (8 Bit) Made from sampled video game sound effects
An Orphan Christmas (Claire Lane)
12 Days of Christmas (Fay McKay)
Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy (Portsmouth Sinfonia)
Dominick the Christmas Donkey (Lou Monte)
Donde Esta Santa Claus (Charo)
Santa Claus, Will You Please Come Tonight? (Doug Lewis)
Little Drummer Boy (Marlene Dietrich)
Little Drummer Boy (Surfer version)
Frosty the Snowman (The Brady Bunch)
Frosty the Snowman (Tuba version)
Walking Talking Christmas Tree (Gene London)
Merry Christmas (Gordon Thomas)
Homo Christmas (Pansy Division)
A Holiday Reminder (William Hung)
Come All Ye Faithful (Inpatient Music Therapy Program)
A Reminder from the Post Office(Jack Webb)
Jingle Chicken (Jingle Chicken)
Christmas Without Daddy (Joe Walega and His Happy Hearts)
Little Town of Bethlehem (Sally Kellerman butchers a Christmas Carol)
Hang Your Balls on My Christmas Tree (Kay Martin)
Night Before Christmas (Jay Leno)
The Christmas Dolly (Little Betty Ashley and J.W. Thompson)
Little Mary Christmas (Unknown)
Away in a Manger (Whistled by Fred Lowery)
Merry Christmas, Neighbor (Cast of “Bonanza”)
Debbie’s Last Christmas (Nancy La Plante)
Santa 9-11 (Unknown) Merry Fucking Christmas
Santa Claus is Coming to Town (The Brady Bunch
Santa Claus is Coming to Town (Wing)
Santa Claus is Coming to Town (John Davidson)
Santa Face is Bringing Me a Budgie (Freddy Davis)
Santa Wants Lovin’ (Albert Collins)
Come All Ye Faithful (Slim Spincter)
A Christmas moment (Sally Struthers)
Tastee Christmas (Unknown) Make sure the cat is outside
Christmas Cookies and Holiday Hearts (The Caroleer Singers)
Three Letters for Christmas (Walter Brennan)
The Christmas Party (Yogi Yorgesson)
All Are Waiting for Christmas (Tommy Christy)
Two Front Teeth (Unknown) Outstanding entry in the “Adult-Singing-As-Lisping-Child” category
Here Comes Santa Claus in Black (Voicedude)
Jingle Bell Hustle (Wayne Newton)
Good King Wenceslas (Woody the Woodchuck)
What’s It To Ya Chorus (Bob Rivers)
AND FOR THE JEWS…
I realize that I’m only half Jewish, but that doesn’t mean I’m not busy trying to control the media. In fact, it’s an even bigger job for someone like me, seeing as my mother is Italian. I hardly have time to wax my mustache, much less run the New York Times.
But I’m taking a break from all that so I can bring you some extra special Jew music! Play these tracks tonight, as you light the candles and secretly wish you were gentile because Santa is just so much more kick ass than praying for 8 days.
We have a little bit of everything here for you; from a surfer cover of Shalom Alechem, to selections from the Klezmer Nutcracker. It’s a stunning blend of traditional Ashkenazi dance music, and the fevered Christmas dream of everyone’s favorite Russian closet case. An arranged match made in heaven!
As we used to say in my house, “Yes, Yoninah, there is a Sanson Claus!”
And then we’d pass the ham.
Sugar Plum Fairy: Klezmer Nutrcracker (Shirim)
Trepak: Klezmer Nutrcracker (Klezmer Nutcracker)
Shalom Alechem (Meshugga Beach Party)
Afikomen Mambo (Rabbi Joe Black)
Far From the Home I Love (The Barry Sisters) This is just so wrong
Hava Nagila (Johnny Puleo and his Harmonica Gang)
How Much is that Pickle in the Window? (Mickey Katz)
Knish Doctor (Mickey Katz) Trivia: Mickey Katz is Joel Grey’s father
Matzoh Ball Soup (Slim Gaillard)
Pincus the Peddler (Benny Bell)
Satisfaction (Sam Chalpin)From My Father, The Pop Singer
December 16, 2012 at 11:00 am
Meshugga Beach Party is pretty much the greatest thing I’ve ever heard.
December 16, 2012 at 2:30 pm
Totally. I hadn’t really thought of it before, but Jewish music is just made for adaptation to surf guitar.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PwQRApGgj54
December 16, 2012 at 4:34 pm
*plots how to make this the ringtone on as many friend’s phones as possible*
December 16, 2012 at 11:08 am
Jingle Cats caused my cats to circle the computer in a threatening manner.
December 16, 2012 at 11:14 am
It caused my cat to lift his head before going back to sleep.
December 16, 2012 at 12:02 pm
Powerful stuff! It usually takes a can of wet food to make mine do that.
December 16, 2012 at 11:11 am
Great, I think I may have just developed a brain embolism from listening to Jingle Cats.
December 16, 2012 at 7:22 pm
When I was a kid, I had an entire cassette tape of Jingle Cats. I’m pretty sure my mother “accidentally” lost it.
December 16, 2012 at 11:22 am
My bulldog is freaking out. He clearly hares the Brady Bunch.
December 16, 2012 at 12:03 pm
do u blame him?
December 17, 2012 at 5:57 pm
No. He’s an idiot in most areas, but great with music.
December 16, 2012 at 11:32 am
This REALLY needs to be added to the list! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ysfQjKKi70
It is my current favorite song. Christmas or otherwise.
December 16, 2012 at 11:35 am
Hey, fuck you too! <3
December 16, 2012 at 3:25 pm
You sleigh me.
December 16, 2012 at 11:45 am
These need to be included from the A Something Awful Christmas 2009:
We Wish You an Adequate Festive Period by The Happees: http://youtu.be/AA3bZIKqBkk
Ho Ho Ho, It’s Christmas Time by Schweinhund and Jokrswild
http://youtu.be/Lar27rkv5tc
Robot Jesus by Kharmakazy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_HTVUKkc10
December 16, 2012 at 12:03 pm
happy birthday jesus made me die a little inside.
December 16, 2012 at 12:04 pm
I tested some of these out on my family. It works! They left the room when I said “no just one more song!” I am going to use this to drive them out. Thank you!
December 17, 2012 at 7:46 am
I wonder if I could use it as a reason not to travel to Dallas. “Sorry, I just listened to Helen Killer’s holiday music playlist and I’m on my deathbed.”
December 16, 2012 at 12:13 pm
I couldn’t listen to any of these songs in their entirety. Yes, this line-up is guaranteed to rid yourself of uninvited Christmas guests.
December 16, 2012 at 12:19 pm
I detect an awesome Hannukah/crappy Christmas bias! Are you actually TRYING to convert me to Judaism? Is that it?? I have 3 words for you: Oysters Rockefeller Bacon.
December 16, 2012 at 12:25 pm
Laffy’s Carol of the Bells brought tears to my eye.
December 16, 2012 at 12:26 pm
Now I can’t get the chorus to Homo Christmas out of my head. “I want to be your Christmas present, I want to be your Christmas queer…”
Darn you to heck, April! =)
December 16, 2012 at 12:41 pm
I do believe that this needs to be on the list:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfVg1MnUQkI
December 16, 2012 at 1:03 pm
I love it when Regretsy drops its Load of Holiday Crap!
December 16, 2012 at 1:20 pm
This is the best christmas present that someone I don’t actually know has ever given me! This will join “Fairytale of New York” as my fave Xmas music to wash up to!
And to all a FJLMC/H/Winterval of choice!
December 16, 2012 at 1:47 pm
Merry Shitmas to all, and to all a Happy Apple wood dildo!
December 16, 2012 at 1:52 pm
I am kinda bummed that Merry Fuckin’ Christmas by Mr. Garrison isn’t on here, but that’s just because it is my favorite Xmas song ever.
December 16, 2012 at 1:56 pm
Christmas seals? Like the animals in the water?
December 16, 2012 at 2:21 pm
Here’s another Tiny Tim gem:
http://youtu.be/XU8IQqcq270
December 16, 2012 at 3:23 pm
Sorry to tease, but I have Barbra Streisand singing “Ave Maria” (Gounod) circa 1962 (the joke writes itself, no?), AND “Silent Night”. Which Maurice Chevalier also performs on one of the other records in the set. I will get around to digitising, soon.
December 16, 2012 at 4:50 pm
Mele Kalikimaka brings back horrific memories of the Christmas or rather “Holiday” shows in elementary school. It was their attempt at bringing “ethnicity” to our ethnically-diverse-in-theory-but-never-in-practice school. I think I’ll go drink those memories back into oblivion now.
December 16, 2012 at 5:25 pm
OMG, you too?? I thought I was the only one who suffered thru this nonsense!!!!!
December 16, 2012 at 5:04 pm
I just shared the Tiny Tim Rudolph on Facebook, let the unfriending begin!!!!
December 16, 2012 at 5:13 pm
http://www.regretsy.com/audio/xmas/Homo_Christmas.mp3
How do i get this as a ringtone? lol
December 16, 2012 at 7:29 pm
Use the ghetto method:
1. Turn up the volume on your computer.
2. Point your cell phone’s microphone at your computer’s speakers.
3. Press record on your phone.
4. Press play on your computer.
December 16, 2012 at 5:22 pm
ok I take it back the inpatient music therapy group wins
December 16, 2012 at 5:27 pm
Christmas Tree by Lady Gaga needs to be on the list. “Light me up put me on top, let’s fa la la la la la la la la.” Seriously, check it out. Thank me later.
December 17, 2012 at 9:17 am
And then there is this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CUgBFoo4t08
December 16, 2012 at 5:36 pm
Tastee chrismas just became the best hold music ever for getting rid of someone you NEVER want to speak to.
December 16, 2012 at 7:12 pm
I would like to nominate Mel Blanc’s chiritmas tune please:
http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=EV_PPtfTzXg&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DEV_PPtfTzXg
December 16, 2012 at 7:34 pm
I have no snark, only gratitude! Oy Tunes has gotten me through many a day at work. Thank you for bringing about its resurrection!
December 16, 2012 at 9:57 pm
The existence of God has been both proved and disproved on this day. That pisses me off so much I’ve become Antagonostic.
December 16, 2012 at 10:07 pm
I believe! You!
December 16, 2012 at 10:36 pm
Testify, my Regretsy Brethren and Sistren!
December 16, 2012 at 11:41 pm
*moved by spirit to wave hand in air*
December 17, 2012 at 8:51 am
So Wave We All.
December 17, 2012 at 5:48 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
December 17, 2012 at 8:49 am
Outrageous hyperbole is cathartic, 6eisha-san. Almost anyone here thinks that seller deserves a dope-slap and to have their Etsy shop closed because that jackass deliberately went out of his way to appall people who were coping with a horrible tragedy. Nobody really wants to rape him or do any of the fun, imaginative, fake tortures we listed. It’s just venting.
December 17, 2012 at 8:58 am
A thousand thumbs up for “outrageous hyperbole is cathartic,” Z.
That’s wonderfully precise.
December 17, 2012 at 9:26 am
That’s a crazy amount of thumbs, Mel. Did you harvest them from the butts of Congress?
December 17, 2012 at 9:55 am
A lot of them came from my own state legislature, and a bunch from decision makers who interviewed me for jobs.
I’ve got plenty set by for these situations.
December 17, 2012 at 8:18 am
Would it be considered crass of me to include a link to my own Christmas song? It sets to music a poem by Ogden Nash, and it’s called “A Carol For Children.”
Give a listen, all you give-a-listeners: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWKCJjEbjTM&feature=youtu.be
December 17, 2012 at 11:20 am
“I laughed, I cried, it became a part of my life” – Selma Hacker aka Selma Diamond.
December 17, 2012 at 5:45 pm
I grabbed these the first year they were posted and Santa Face is the boy’s favorite ever. Since then he’s been getting toy budgies in his stocking every year. This is our go to Christmas song list!
December 18, 2012 at 7:15 pm
Let it Snow (8 Bit) Made from sampled video game sound effects
—- this one is actually great! But you need to love retro video games and recognize what games the sound bits are from to enjoy it